Published on 12, July, 2020
I wrote in my diary last week "in a strange mood but I don't know why, often get like this".
This week I'm wondering if I'm depressed but I don't feel sad or worthless. I sometimes have difficulty picking up on how I feel. I just know I've felt flat for quite a bit. My head is crammed full but otherwise I feel flat. I can't stop eating.
Interspersed with this are odd days of enjoyment and feeling in the flow.
In the mix is also anxiety without worry but I have felt ok today.
I feel things are getting harder as I get older in my mid thirties but it's not like I have got any commitments in life apart from a partner, house and job of 4 days per week.
It was noticeable things were easier for me in lockdown and I'm still adjusting back to normal. It sounds pathetic but it's the little things which put demand on executive function, on their own are nothing but added up make a big thing. Such things as remembering to get my dinner ready the night before or having to put make up on or wash my clothes for work.
I have read before AS gets worse as you get older but I'm only mid thirties.
I can identify with a flat feeling. I coped in the first lockdown as socialising outside of home was not allowed. I enjoyed walks as there were few cars on the road. I enjoyed making masks and a garden project of trying to grow new plants from seed.
Last year was harder with things opening up whilst still a lot of Covid cases. The large amount of dull days were hard too. Then this year arrived and it was like anxiety fatigue. I find it hard this year to find things to look forward to with all the uncertainty. I have odd days that are better usually when I get to do something in the sunshine.
I have begun to do things carefully but it is quite exhausting.
I found the first lockdown was actually really good for me and my family as we were freed from so many of the demands on us (work, college and people etc.) . We really enjoyed being at home together and going on quiet local walks together in the countryside. When things opened up more we found it more difficult as we were so worried about the virus (my husband has asthma). Then late last year we caught Covid and I got it really badly. Ever since I’ve had the most terrible anxiety. Life feels so insecure now - things feel unstable and unsafe. There’s the virus, the economy, a govt that spdoesnt seem to care about people - and now a war and global instability. I’ve never felt so anxious. My son is experiencing anxiety and depression too and can’t face going into college (he’s autistic too). I’m not enjoying life at the moment as I’m so stressed all the time,
Yes it was the quiet that I enjoyed the most. Even things like no planes in the sky. I remember, it was at the beginning of September last year when all restrictions were lifted, I got really bad anxiety. It was like all of a sudden there was so much noise outside - I was quite sensitive to this. I think a lot of people don't notice the general hum of the world (I live in suburban area but with semi rural areas in short walking distance). Also it was a signal to me - lockdown is over and its never coming back. I remember when the first one was announced almost 2 years ago that I knew nothing like this would ever happen again so to make the most of it.
A counsellor last year told me we can get stuck in a bubble and its not the real world. This cheesed me off. Just because something has been a certain way (the relentless pace of life) it doesn't mean it's the right way (for everyone) or that it needs to go back to this.
I'm lucky I got my diagnosis in lockdown as it's helped me see which parts of normal life are difficult.
I also think because EVERYONE had to follow rules, this made going out the house and social interactions more certain...I can't explain what I mean but it's like I felt more comfortable that we had these rules (I don't mean comfortable as in keeping us safe...I just mean...you knew where you stood).
I am sorry you and your son are feeling this way, it must be difficult. I know from my own experience anxiety can be like a runaway train. I've learned where the brakes are but sometimes I can't reach the pedals.
Yes - ‘lockdown nostalgia’ - that’s a good way of putting it. I also have so much nostalgia for the time before the pandemic. Sometimes it’s so intense that thinking of happy, carefree times before the pandemic actually makes me cry. It feels almost like another world now.
I also experience lockdown nostalgia and I find myself wishing there would be another lockdown. It is nice to be able to voice these feelings and to know that other people feel the same.