Published on 12, July, 2020
I wrote in my diary last week "in a strange mood but I don't know why, often get like this".
This week I'm wondering if I'm depressed but I don't feel sad or worthless. I sometimes have difficulty picking up on how I feel. I just know I've felt flat for quite a bit. My head is crammed full but otherwise I feel flat. I can't stop eating.
Interspersed with this are odd days of enjoyment and feeling in the flow.
In the mix is also anxiety without worry but I have felt ok today.
I feel things are getting harder as I get older in my mid thirties but it's not like I have got any commitments in life apart from a partner, house and job of 4 days per week.
It was noticeable things were easier for me in lockdown and I'm still adjusting back to normal. It sounds pathetic but it's the little things which put demand on executive function, on their own are nothing but added up make a big thing. Such things as remembering to get my dinner ready the night before or having to put make up on or wash my clothes for work.
I have read before AS gets worse as you get older but I'm only mid thirties.
I can identify with a flat feeling. I coped in the first lockdown as socialising outside of home was not allowed. I enjoyed walks as there were few cars on the road. I enjoyed making masks and a garden project of trying to grow new plants from seed.
Last year was harder with things opening up whilst still a lot of Covid cases. The large amount of dull days were hard too. Then this year arrived and it was like anxiety fatigue. I find it hard this year to find things to look forward to with all the uncertainty. I have odd days that are better usually when I get to do something in the sunshine.
I have begun to do things carefully but it is quite exhausting.
I’m finding it much harder this year too. Like you we found the first lockdown to be actually really good - we enjoyed it. We were together, my husband could work from home which he loved, and my son found not going into college a huge relief (he’s autistic and has selective mutism so he finds college hugely stressful). However now we are all struggling really badly. I was seriously ill at the end of last year and am still struggling with the impact of that and have PTSD. My son has depression and ocd and my husbands mother just died. We are totally worn out! And the situation with the Pandemic is very unsettling as people are behaving like it’s over - which is concerning because it obviously isn’t over. So many other things seem ‘wrong’ in our society at the moment too - I feel the country has gone a bit pear shaped in so many ways,
My youngest son, (my eldest lives abroad) husband and myself are totally exhausted and we feel we need to focus on getting our heads in better shape. The other day my son said ‘maybe I need to go to a spa’ and I know what he means! He’s never been to a spa tbh and I don’t think he would actually like it - but in essence I think he’s got a point! Some sort of peaceful retreat and escape would be good!
Like you I am finding the sunshine to be really helpful at the moment - the winter seems to have gone on for ages. I’m so keen to see all the bright green new leaves appear on the trees
I found the first lockdown was actually really good for me and my family as we were freed from so many of the demands on us (work, college and people etc.) . We really enjoyed being at home together and going on quiet local walks together in the countryside. When things opened up more we found it more difficult as we were so worried about the virus (my husband has asthma). Then late last year we caught Covid and I got it really badly. Ever since I’ve had the most terrible anxiety. Life feels so insecure now - things feel unstable and unsafe. There’s the virus, the economy, a govt that spdoesnt seem to care about people - and now a war and global instability. I’ve never felt so anxious. My son is experiencing anxiety and depression too and can’t face going into college (he’s autistic too). I’m not enjoying life at the moment as I’m so stressed all the time,
What is it you feel uncertain about?
It's never been anxiety about catching covid for me. It's been anxiety because life is returning back to the faster pace.
My yoga teacher said in one of our meditations "I go through the world at my own pace". I really liked this but I feel sometimes I'm having to shoe horn myself into a pace which isn't right for me.
Yes I think I've had anxiety fatigue too. Hope you find a way through. Spring is on its way.