Mood, depression and getting older

My issue is attitude: if I have negativity within my spirit, any age I am is the wrong one.

I got her latest book - Mindfuless Survival Guide but if they are both about mindfulness there's probably not that much difference between them. Mine's got quite a bit in about the pandemic. I find guided audios helpful because then I can just sit and listen and dont have to keep referring back to a book.

I've been practising mindfulness since about May last year. I usually use the breath but since I've been practising and got more in the habit, I find now for example if I'm on a walk or listening to music, I can zone in more and focus on one thing such as sound or texture. But I have to remind myself to do this. What i'm trying to say is, it doesn't matter if you use the breath, or music, or anything else. It's about diverting your attention from your thoughts in whatever way. Then once you get used to it, you can apply this to other senses. Ruby says, and it's true, it's like a mental gym workout. It's like using weights at the gym and the more you do it, the fitter you get.

I'm not saying it's the answer to everything. But for me, it's a tool I've got in my tool box and also I think it's about chipping away at anxiety. You can't just rid yourself of it overnight but you can learn to manage it using different techniques so you can live your life better. Says me. I've been in a right state past few weeks haha!

Thanks! I think I will give this a try- I like the idea of focusing on music rather than breathing (I tried breathing exercises before and I sometimes felt like they made me more nervous/anxious). Thanks!! 

I have only read 'A mindfulness guide for the Frazzled' but recommend that to anyone, not just autistic people.

Mindfulness can make a big difference, but not for everyone it seems.

Her technique works better for me, focus on something external like music, rather than your breathing which is a common mindfulness method.  But as your brain will refocus to thoughts/feelings after a few seconds, you have to keep focusing back on the music.  Our brains can't focus on our senses AND our thoughts/feelings at the same time, so you can't respond to them and they pass by - this can give you a break for a while and you might feel better, less brain chemicals sloshing about.  I will fade, and thoughts return, but if you keep doing it for about 15 minutes a day for weeks on end then it can make a big difference.  For the past few years I had waves of anxious thoughts and feelings of dread, but once I started doing the mindfulness it reduced and the anxiety/dread has faded way.  I've had to work on thinking better as well using CBT techniques, so not just mindfulness.

Would you recommend a specific book by Ruby Wax? I had a look and I saw that she wrote several. I have never really tried mindfulness- do you find it helpful? 

Yes! I think the weather thing is easier than identifying an actual mood.

Like doing a gym workout with your brain.  The stronger the thoughts the bigger the weight. 

Yeah, very much better to observe your moods and thoughts rather than be hijacked by them - its a journey, but one very much worth making.  That is the purpose of mindfulness, when you focus away from thoughts and feelings your brain can't latch onto them, and so they are just in the background and cannot affect you.  Your brain keeps bringing the focus back though, so you have to keep refocussing - that makes it a challenge, but the more you do it the easier it gets and you start feeling the benefit.

Thanks! I am over halfway through watching it and it has raised some interesting ideas already. I really like this idea of viewing your mood and thoughts like the weather: They explained that if it is raining we usually don't spend ages trying to figure out why it is raining (though there are reasons for it and we could probably spend ages trying to work it out) but instead we get out an umbrella and go on with our day. Sometimes practical solutions work very well. 

That looks excellent - I will definitely watch that. Thanks for sharing it

Thanks for that, I will watch it in full when I'm better able to focus on it.  Ruby Wax is brilliant, and done great things with respect to mental health..  I bought her mindfulness book and that really helped me, brilliant just the bits about how the brain works - which she chose to study to help understand her own issues (and her mother I guess).

I want to share this with everyone again. I watched it a few weeks ago and think it's fantastic.  Ruby Wax in conversation with a Buddhist Monk and a Neuroscientist: youtu.be/QDnuQVoRxX8 

A lot of what you say resonates with me, especially the bit about recovering and feeling bad you aren't back to normal yet.  When I was having my anx episode a few years back and also been recovering from covid,  I think I was putting pressure on myself that I had to be back to normal and sometimes I thought I was but I wasn't. I often look at people at work who ring in sick for the slightest thing...I think cos I'm so used to fighting through things because of the 'spergers, I'm just used to it. Ive always said I feel I have a higher tolerance than others for putting up with stuff (not physical pain...just stress of normal life).  

It's good you want to get a handle on things. That's the first step of progress...recognising you aren't right and need help.

I too like religious music. I was on holiday in Scotland a few years bsck and felt really moved in the abbey while we sang. I'm not religious at all! It was a really emotionally charged evening and I didn't realise at the time but i think I was picking up on everyone's vibes. 

I sowed my wildflowers (in the front garden too!) this afternoon. I'm keeping everything crossed. One thing I do struggle with on gardening is I feel personally responsible if something doesn't survive. Or that im not doing something the right way. Also I don't know where to start with a project. Im also overly mindful of wildlife and it can be to the detriment of getting on with things (Monty says keep a patch of your grass wild...I did and now it's smothered in dandelions. ...they say don't clear up your leaves too early...I haven't but it looks a mess!) Also all the pots I seem to accumulated stress me out and I feel elements of gardening are quite wasteful (like when they suggest making a seasonal container or using fresh compost all the time) I'm trying to reduce the amount of pots I have and to put more in thr ground. I'm learning not to overthink as much and just "get on with it" and that I'll learn by mistakes which is hard cos I don't like making any.

It must be so lovely to do a job you can be completely absorbed in and enjoy at the same time. It definitely will come back to you when you've got more capacity. It sounds like you've been through an awful lots and I think our short term brains can only handle so much so focus on getting yourself more well first then the rest will follow. I've learned you can't do everything and  wellbeing needs to be priority.

My partner is very rational. I used to find this difficult at times till I discovered I was AS then got a diagnosis.  He actually offers a very level headed perspective of things which is really helpful. 

Hope you and your family enjoyed your walk! 

This is all so interesting - thank you for sharing your experience. Reading this and the other comments it’s really struck me how hard autistic people work at coping with life - and how much commitment and determination we put into solving our problems. It’s actually really impressive and we should give ourselves credit for that. Often when I struggle I feel like a failure (my son does too) but reading these comments reminds me that what we are trying to achieve is actually really challenging - and we are showing strength by continuing to try to improve our lives and work on the things we find difficult. This is especially impressive as we don’t get much help a lot of the time. 
You’re right - we need to help each other. It’s been so good to talk on here (and I’m in quite a dark place right now so that’s actually huge for me). 
It’s funny that you mention mushrooms as I was saying the other day that maybe what I need is some weed! However firstly I don’t know anyone to buy it off, and secondly I gather it’s so strong now that I would be worried about taking it. I would so LOVE to have an easy way of relaxing - I used to have one or two drinks every evening but since I’ve been ill it just doesn’t taste nice anymore. It’s as if my body is saying ‘this is not good for you right now’. 

I’ll look into the YouTube things you mention - my son watches lots of YouTube and he finds it really helpful. 
What happened to you at work sounds really distressing - that must have been really hard for you. It’s good that someone there tried to help you though and supported you. Years ago I had a sort of ‘breakdown’ - I remember calling my husband and asking him to come home from work because I was so frightened. Like you mentioned I have a background level of anxiety all the time and it only takes a series of crisis if various kinds to make it massively elevate to a point where I am really struggling. That’s where I am now. I want to get a handle on it and get back to enjoying my life again.  
Your garden is going to look amazing when all these seeds come to fruition. What have I been doing? Not enough probably! We’ve had some very dull issues with our computer that we had to sort out - and some other issues over a blood test - not pleasant things that have taken far too much of our day. I was just listening to some beautiful choral music on the radio (I think it was the Sunday Service on Radio 3)  which was very calming and I really enjoyed that. I’m not religious (in any conventional sense anyway) but I love religious music, especially very early music and psalms. So peaceful. 
My art - which I’ve not been doing for three months now which is so unusual for me - is figurative but very imaginative (lots of imagery that’s connected to the natural world ) - I work on paper with water based mediums. They’re as much drawings as paintings in many ways. I hope to get back to it when I feel more myself again. It feels so odd not to be doing it (I’ve always drawn so much from being a child) but i just can’t focus at the moment. I’m sure when it’s the right time my inspiration and desire to work again will return (I really hope so anyway). My illness last year was very severe and it’s really knocked me about - physically and psychologically. The hospital told my husband last week that I am still in the very early stages of recovery - and in a way that was comforting because I often feel bad about the fact that I’m so not back to ‘normal’ yet. I need to be patient but I am such an impatient person! 

we are going to go for a walk now on a nearby farm. It takes so long to get my son to get ready to go out of the house (thankfully he is the one thing I am patient about - because I love him so much! ). 
I have learnt so much from being his mother in so many ways (and so much from my other son too). My eldest is super rational and analytical- so when myself and my son are freaking out and emotional we Skype my eldest and he approaches any problem we ask him about in a completely rational way and it’s so incredibly helpful! He puts a totally different perspective on things which is so helpful. They are so different and I get so much from them in such different ways. 

So yes - we’ll go for a walk - when he’s got his walking gear on. 

I've really enjoyed reading everyone's comments you seem a lovely bunch and we have things in common (I love gardeners world too!)

Breathing techniques made me worse too as did relaxation in yoga (when i was high anx) What I do now is focus on the breath however it is. I don't try to change it. I use this video most days m.youtube.com/watch sometimes I can be doing it and it takes at least ten minutes to start to focus. I also used to use insight timer app which has some good free stuff on. My new yoga teacher actuslly said last week guided breathing (like where you're counting etc) can make you worse and it can provoke anxiety or panic!)

Ohh yes walking helps but I tend to find my brain needs at least 45 minutes to switch off by which time im on the return part of the walk! I have found building up with mindfulness is helping in life but it's a slow process. Ive only been able to do this since I got space in my head.

I achieved that space through cbt and learning to tolerate anxiety better but it depends where you go and who you get. I'm doing an online cbt treatment at the moment and it's actually making me worse  (this has happened before with generic group cbt....it isn't one size fits all!) 

I also learned that I was never any good at coping with anx and also with the AS adding another layer that when the big stuff happens that's when it just blows you apart. I do definitely think how we process things has got a lot to answer for tho!

I find podcasts on my interests helpful too. Also I know you said you are self employed (I think) and WFH but you might really really need time off. I didn't listen to my body and didn't understand what was going on till one day I was in work with my mgr sitting beside me while I waited on the phone for the doctor...I didnt realise it had got so bad. It didn't help that I couldn't associate the physical feelings with classic anxiety symptoms because they felt different to how they were described.  So I actually thought I was goung mad. 

We need to help each other.  My partner is incredibly supportive but it does feel lonely sometimes not having anyone who truly truly gets it. I had my assessment just over a year ago and so far it's proving difficult to get help. It's practical help I want for the day to day as opposed to talking therapy. Counselling is no good for me anyway it's too unstructured. I've applied for access to work but it's still going through. I've been told I can get work coaching which I'm hoping will help me manage and recognise work stress better. YouTube helps too...I quite like Yo Samdy Sam.

Also, I don't know if I should be saying this but on the times I've had "mushrooms" I have found this helps with looping thoughts. It puts you in the present with no effort.

It's such a lovely weekend. I've been sowing rudbekia and cosmos seeds and I've got dahlias on the go too. What about you?  And what sort of art do you do?

That’s great advice - thank you. I can relate to what your saying - I also don’t seem to benefit from breathing techniques - they make me more tense sometimes! So I’ve been looking at other things. I’ve found sewing quite calming - I was inspired by people doing interesting visible repairs on clothing and had a go and really enjoyed it. At one point I was darning socks with brightly coloured yarn and that was really relaxing too. But I ran out of stuff to repair! I’ve recently been embellishing clothes with small bits of hand printed fabric and have enjoyed that too. 
I’m glad that you’re in a much better place - happy for you and also it gives me hope that I’ll move on too to brighter times soon. 
Thanks for your suggestions - it means a lot that people are kind enough to want to help.

I agree - it’s so good to find support on here - there isn’t much to find elsewhere (as far as I’ve found anyway). I can relate so much to what I’ve read on here - which feels really lovely. Sometimes we feel so isolated (my family I mean - we all get on wonderfully well but don’t have much outside support). I love Oxford  - we haven’t been there for a while because of the pandemic and I really miss it. Hope to go soon. We always get there really early when it’s almost deserted - and we have cooked breakfast at a lovely cafe called The Vaults which is right near the Radcliffe Camera. I miss it so much! 

Yes, you have to try things out and if it doesn't help or makes things worse then move on, try another thing.

I tried the Calm free trial but just offered what I had already tried so left it.

I tried breathing techniques for relaxation in the past but they actually increased my anxiety, never could find out why.

Sorry that you have PTSD, it probably is a big factor affecting you right now - just try and have breaks from the bad things.  I did look into PTSD for my own issues, but probably wasn't, more likely just severe anxiety, depression, dread, that I didn't manage and it got worse and worse - but it did give me ideas like mindfulness, and CBT techiques, distraction, and I'm in a much better place.

Enjoy family moments each day, and think about family memories when you aren't together, things like that.  Also, try new things, go somewhere new, that can help.  

I love The Killers. Love his voice - it’s so full of energy.

I think planning trips is one of the nicest parts of it. Your plans sound amazing - I hope your health soon allows you to get back to that because it sounds great. I like that saying too (and ‘aiming’) it’s a good way to look at it. Sometimes when I feel more vulnerable I feel I’m just reacting to things in defensive mode and it makes me feel very disempowered. It feels much better when you can actually be proactive and plan good things into your life. I need to plan some trips too. It’s so easy to start withdrawing from things in order to feel safe (I do this a lot). 
It’s so good to talk on here - thank you for all your ideas and support, it means a lot. X