Mood, depression and getting older

Depression, strange moods, anxiety - they are all common in autism because autistic people tend not to manage our thoughts/emotions, emotional regulation they call it.  Hence triggers causing meltdowns, or shutdowns, or stuck in thought loop.  Depression isn't just sadness, which most people think it is - it can vary, and be complex.

I'm not sure autism gets worse with age, but you can certainly struggle to mask as you get older, or you decide not to hide your autism anymore.  Autism burnout seems common amongst elder autistic adults, its complex - its not just fatigue from having to mask for decades, it may also be due to years of triggers, constant anxiety, chronic over-thinking, or bad things happening in life.

Anxiety is draining by itself, and also increases depression - both of those can also disturb your thinking/moods, and that all feeds into making life really difficult.  Life is just happening to you, you aren't really living.

I am late 40's now, and its only in recent years that I have learned about managing thoughts/feelings.

There isn't much support out there for adults with autism, I've used self-help books to improve how I think, and that has stabilised my moods.

I can recommend a few books that have really helpd me.

'Overcoming Anxiety and Depression on the Autism Spectrum: A Self-Help Guide Using CBT' by Lee A WIlkinson, helps you.  

Another good book is 'A mindfulness guide for the frazzled' by Ruby Wax, she has suffered from mental health issues but decided to study how the brain works, why we suffer, and ways to help.  Mindfulness can be difficult for some, but its worth trying - having a break from thoughts/feelings now and then can really help, and after a while you can use it daily to think better and make better decisions - because your brain isn't fried.

You can't fix executive dysfunctioning, sadly, but it can be worse when we are not thinking/feeling well, so working on those will help.  Find ways to help remind you, organise you - there are things online and apps, best to find what works for you.

Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I've never considered depression coukd be not just sadness.

I do think I had a period of burnout a few years ago ( burnout anyone would experience due to life events but autism adds another layer).  I have felt in a perpetual state of anxiety since September really. It hasn't ever fully gone away. I think the low mood is also coming from not being able to process how I feel properly...this has happened before.

You're right, there isn't much support but I'm absolutely trying my best with what's available from the professionals and my own self help. It's a case of problem solving as much as I can rather than just moaning about it. 

I'll look into the Wilkinson book. I did get one by Beardon which basically said avoid everything that triggers you but this is totally unrealistic. CBT has taught me to be more tolerant of anxiety (it was slightly adapted as I'd done regular cbt before without success) but like I said above, it can get to the runaway train stage. 

I'm practising mindfulness everyday. It's just being absorbed more into my life now and I do meditation and breathing etc. It does take the edge off and I do this anytime, not just when anxious, although sometimes it's hard to disassociate "relaxation" with "anxiety".

I love Ruby Wax. I've got her most recent mindfulness book which has been really helpful. Again it's practising it like you would with the gym. But also not getting hung up on it either. She's very accessible and I love the science bits too....I need that otherwise it just seems mumbo jumbo.

I think it's about having a tool box of things we need as and when, but it feels like mines an untidy mess at the moment and I can't find what I need.

Yes - I am trying my best too to find ways of reducing my anxiety - as is my son. At the moment we are just not doing that well - more existing than living at the moment as we both feel so overwhelmed by various things that are happening at the moment (in our family and in the wider world). We had a family member who died recently and also serious illness in the family. Sometimes I’m just too anxious to meditate or practice mindfulness. It’s a bit of a vicious circle. I think I’d like to sleep for a month or two! Just get a massively long rest where I don’t have to think at all and give my mind a thorough rest. That would be lovely. 
We often look back on happy times from before the pandemic and I feel such a longing to feel like that again - where you didn’t have to worry about viruses and going into places. I miss being that carefree (although of course we did have worries then - but it was different). 
pits such a beautiful sunny day today and that does help. I’m so glad that spring is about to appear

I've really enjoyed reading everyone's comments you seem a lovely bunch and we have things in common (I love gardeners world too!)

Breathing techniques made me worse too as did relaxation in yoga (when i was high anx) What I do now is focus on the breath however it is. I don't try to change it. I use this video most days m.youtube.com/watch sometimes I can be doing it and it takes at least ten minutes to start to focus. I also used to use insight timer app which has some good free stuff on. My new yoga teacher actuslly said last week guided breathing (like where you're counting etc) can make you worse and it can provoke anxiety or panic!)

Ohh yes walking helps but I tend to find my brain needs at least 45 minutes to switch off by which time im on the return part of the walk! I have found building up with mindfulness is helping in life but it's a slow process. Ive only been able to do this since I got space in my head.

I achieved that space through cbt and learning to tolerate anxiety better but it depends where you go and who you get. I'm doing an online cbt treatment at the moment and it's actually making me worse  (this has happened before with generic group cbt....it isn't one size fits all!) 

I also learned that I was never any good at coping with anx and also with the AS adding another layer that when the big stuff happens that's when it just blows you apart. I do definitely think how we process things has got a lot to answer for tho!

I find podcasts on my interests helpful too. Also I know you said you are self employed (I think) and WFH but you might really really need time off. I didn't listen to my body and didn't understand what was going on till one day I was in work with my mgr sitting beside me while I waited on the phone for the doctor...I didnt realise it had got so bad. It didn't help that I couldn't associate the physical feelings with classic anxiety symptoms because they felt different to how they were described.  So I actually thought I was goung mad. 

We need to help each other.  My partner is incredibly supportive but it does feel lonely sometimes not having anyone who truly truly gets it. I had my assessment just over a year ago and so far it's proving difficult to get help. It's practical help I want for the day to day as opposed to talking therapy. Counselling is no good for me anyway it's too unstructured. I've applied for access to work but it's still going through. I've been told I can get work coaching which I'm hoping will help me manage and recognise work stress better. YouTube helps too...I quite like Yo Samdy Sam.

Also, I don't know if I should be saying this but on the times I've had "mushrooms" I have found this helps with looping thoughts. It puts you in the present with no effort.

It's such a lovely weekend. I've been sowing rudbekia and cosmos seeds and I've got dahlias on the go too. What about you?  And what sort of art do you do?

That’s great advice - thank you. I can relate to what your saying - I also don’t seem to benefit from breathing techniques - they make me more tense sometimes! So I’ve been looking at other things. I’ve found sewing quite calming - I was inspired by people doing interesting visible repairs on clothing and had a go and really enjoyed it. At one point I was darning socks with brightly coloured yarn and that was really relaxing too. But I ran out of stuff to repair! I’ve recently been embellishing clothes with small bits of hand printed fabric and have enjoyed that too. 
I’m glad that you’re in a much better place - happy for you and also it gives me hope that I’ll move on too to brighter times soon. 
Thanks for your suggestions - it means a lot that people are kind enough to want to help.

I agree - it’s so good to find support on here - there isn’t much to find elsewhere (as far as I’ve found anyway). I can relate so much to what I’ve read on here - which feels really lovely. Sometimes we feel so isolated (my family I mean - we all get on wonderfully well but don’t have much outside support). I love Oxford  - we haven’t been there for a while because of the pandemic and I really miss it. Hope to go soon. We always get there really early when it’s almost deserted - and we have cooked breakfast at a lovely cafe called The Vaults which is right near the Radcliffe Camera. I miss it so much! 

Yes, you have to try things out and if it doesn't help or makes things worse then move on, try another thing.

I tried the Calm free trial but just offered what I had already tried so left it.

I tried breathing techniques for relaxation in the past but they actually increased my anxiety, never could find out why.

Sorry that you have PTSD, it probably is a big factor affecting you right now - just try and have breaks from the bad things.  I did look into PTSD for my own issues, but probably wasn't, more likely just severe anxiety, depression, dread, that I didn't manage and it got worse and worse - but it did give me ideas like mindfulness, and CBT techiques, distraction, and I'm in a much better place.

Enjoy family moments each day, and think about family memories when you aren't together, things like that.  Also, try new things, go somewhere new, that can help.  

I love The Killers. Love his voice - it’s so full of energy.

I think planning trips is one of the nicest parts of it. Your plans sound amazing - I hope your health soon allows you to get back to that because it sounds great. I like that saying too (and ‘aiming’) it’s a good way to look at it. Sometimes when I feel more vulnerable I feel I’m just reacting to things in defensive mode and it makes me feel very disempowered. It feels much better when you can actually be proactive and plan good things into your life. I need to plan some trips too. It’s so easy to start withdrawing from things in order to feel safe (I do this a lot). 
It’s so good to talk on here - thank you for all your ideas and support, it means a lot. X 

I love shorter walks and hikes too :). I have found in the past that having a big hiking trip to plan, prepare for and look forward to can be extremely positive :) 

I love your saying of "aiming towards something rather than things aiming towards you".

I am so happy I found this forum, thanks so much to everyone!! 

There is walking, and then huge hikes, impressive. Goals help - aiming towards something rather just things just aiming towards you

Just reminded of the Killers song 'Can you read my mind?' the first couple of lines:

On the corner of Main Street
Just tryna keep it in line

Aiming for something means managing things that try and knock you off course.

I think "time off"  for me is not only defined by where I am and what I am doing physically but also based on my mental state. You can be at home  but still not be having "time off".

This has been an important realisation for me. For a few weeks prior to being forced to take a proper break from work, I tried to take things a bit easier and would have the occasional "day off", however I realise now that my mind was still constantly occupied with work or I was trying to work from home, be productive in another way or if I wasn't doing any of these things I would feel extremely guilty about it. The issue for me is that it can be super hard/impossible to switch off those thoughts - right now though I think I am doing the best job at "having time off" ever (I usually just do not/cannot stop...). 

Not sure if this is helpful, but just thought it might be helpful as in the past, I would think I was giving myself a break (and concluded it wasn't so helpful), when in fact I have now realised that I wasn't actually doing so. 

I have such a huge list of hikes I want to do but I think the next big trip would be to the Alps- the Tour de Monte Rosa looks good. I would also want to go back to the GR20 in Corsica eventually but the list is endless :). Though it will probably be a while before my health allows me to do this. 

Autistic people have to support other autistic people really, as there isn't much mainstream support and advice/help from people who aren't autistic can be patronising, obvious, unrealistic, etc. and make things worse.

Great to share ideas, things other people do that might make a difference.

I've walked a bit of the Ridgeway but way east on the edge of the North Wessex Downs looking towards Oxford - great view (apart from Didcot power station).  I haven't done much proper walking by myself, apart from local ones, so working towards making that happen.  Good for the mind, and get inspiration for art etc.

I really appreciate your supportive comments - thank you  in a way I do have ‘time off’ because I’m an artist and work from home, and also a carer for my autistic son - so I am at home. I realise that’s a luxury in many ways (and has felt like that in the past) but since my (physical) illness my mental health has been poor (basically very severe anxiety) and being at home is actually difficult in many ways as my thoughts and anxiety are so intense. I can’t escape them wherever I am. It’s been so difficult. The other day my GP referred me for therapy for PTSD but I’ve no idea how long that will take - as I understand it mental health services are swamped with referrals right now, 

Like you say too - when you get the support it can also be a mixed bag. My son is having NHS CBT therapy over the phone but so far it’s just him chatting with her and he says she doesn’t really help him much - she mostly just listens. 

I’m so glad to hear that your break from work is really helping you - that wonderful. My husband goes out to work and his mother died recently and I feel he needs a longer break from work than he can have. Sometimes we just need that don’t we? For everything to stop so that we can properly rest and recover. Ultimately we need to look after ourselves and we need time to be able to do that. I hope your mental health team properly listen to your concerns and respect how you feel about that.

The last two years have been so difficult and for certain we are not alone in struggling and needing help. Practically everyone I know and everyone in my wider family are struggling in one way or another. Even people who I thought were great at coping with life have talked about struggling to cope in recent months.

It’s so lovely to hear that you’re starting to feel better - it’s hopeful and the way I feel it’s good to hear of others who are finding ways to feel better, Recently I’ve wondered if I’ll ever feel better - I’ve felt so totally overwhelmed. So it’s good to here that others - such as yourself - are making progress and finding ways to move forward. Do you have in your mind the next big walking trip you will make when you feel better? 
I’d quite like to walk along the Ridgeway that goes near to Avebury.  It’s not particularly adventurous but I like the look of it - lovely rolling English countryside. 

What helps me sometimes is listening to audiobooks- it doesn't completely shut off all those never stopping thoughts but it does give me something to focus on and can tone down some of the constant obsessing and thinking. 

I'm so sorry it is so hard for you at the moment. Can you possibly take some time off? You mention wanting to just sleep for a month or two... maybe this is exactly what you need! I know that it can be difficult to sort out from a practical and financial basis... but is there any way you could get some time away from everything? 

For me at this point, time away from work is being life-chaning. 

I am also going through some form of burn-out at this point (I suspect I am autistic but waiting to be assessed)- the best thing that happened to me is that my GP gave me sick leave. I have to admit that at first I felt worse (I cannot cope at all with being unproductive usually), but now in week 4 of being away from everything I am starting to feel more energised (though still have a long way to climb) and I have come to realise that this is exactly what I need. I am also in a difficult situation where I know that I need more time to recuperate but am not sure how I can make this happen on a practical basis.

My strategy over the years has been to escape into my special interest (science usually), however this has backfired badly at this point and I think for me being forced to be unproductive is the best thing that ever happened to me. I always keep going by getting hyperfocused on a goal and I never really stop... my body forced me to stop this time. 

Not sure if any of this helps... I am also seeing a mental health team but feel quite misunderstood by them. I am anxious that they will encourage me to start doing more again too soon (tends to be advice for depression to get people involved in things again). I'm still trying to figure it out but my gut feeling is that time away is the best at this point. 

I really hope you feel better soon and figure out what works best for you!!! Sending you lots of strength. 

I love Gardeners World too. So soothing.

Yes - sometimes thoughts feel so overwhelming and it’s helpful to be able to try to distance yourself from them by thinking ‘they’re just thoughts’. Easier said than done though sometimes! I think my mind is very exhausted at the moment so this is very difficult for me. My mind needs a long (loooooooong!) rest in order to become a bit more resilient again. 

Thank you for sharing this - I will try this. I bought the ‘Calm’ App but I find some of it actually quite irritating! I think it’s finding that thing that works for you - everyone is different. Like you I find all the breathing focussed things not that great. I also tried using a mantra (like transcendental meditation) but also found that quite difficult. I think when my anxiety is really bad focusing is just so hard. I have PTSD and I think that is probably why these things are especially difficult for me at the moment. I will persevere though - as I’ve read again and again just how helpful these things are to help restore a sense of peace and contentment. I have a very loving family and at the moment they are the one thing that is really keeping me going. 
Thank you so much for your suggestions - it means a lot to feel there are people on here who understand.

I too have found planting seeds helps. I like to watch Gardeners World. It is a relaxing pace as well as useful tips. 

These are great suggestions - thank you so much!  It’s so kind of you to share your ideas - I massively appreciate that as I’m so mentally exhausted i am finding it hard to find ways to cope. I’ll try the things you suggest. 
It’s  true that recently when I go for a walk in nature (that usually helps me so much) that I’ve found my worries ‘come with me’. Instead of feeling happily immersed in nature (as I used to) I just find my mind returning to the same ‘groove’ of my worries. This makes me really sad as nature is usually my sanctuary.

I’m so glad that spring is coming - it feels like it’s been a really long winter. I noticed tiny bright green leaves on the hedges yesterday - it was such a relief to see them! When I was younger I really loved the autumn as I thought it was very romantic but now I really crave the brightness and the sunshine of spring and summer. I need that more and more to lift my spirits. 

Thank you for what you’ve written here - I really appreciate it! I’m feeling quite lacking in hope at the moment and your words are optimistic that things can get better - it’s lovely to read your take on that and hear about your experience. And yes - the idea of attempting to be mindful when your massively tense does seem almost impossible at times! I will take comfort from your experience though and try to persevere with it. I was very (physically) ill last year and my GP has referred me for therapy for PTSD - so it’s not surprising that I’m struggling at the moment really. 
You’re so right that problems in the wider world are mostly beyond our control - therefore worrying about them and focussing on them is not very helpful. I’m trying to reduce the amount of News and current affairs programmes I watch as otherwise I find it increases my anxiety levels. I get angry too about politics and  injustice. It’s quite toxic though to focus on these things too much. 
I love gardening too - we only have a small garden but I’m so grateful for it. What seeds have you planted? 
last summer I got really into succulents and alpines and I’m amazed how resilient and hardy they are - and really easy to look after which I like. I hate to see a plant die. We planted loads of wild flower seeds on out front garden last autumn so I’m hoping they’ll appear when the weather is warmer. I often don’t have much look with wild flower seeds which I can never understand. I think maybe the soil I’m planting them in here is too rich perhaps, My youngest son is also autistic and he loves Cordylines and once spent a lot of our holiday in Cornwall taking loads of photographs of them. He loves the sound they make in the breeze, 

kestrels are beautiful aren’t they? I love birds of prey - especially owls. We have tawny owls that nest at the back of our house. I particularly love to see a barn owl - they are so special! I so rarely see a barn owl but when I do it’s such a wonderful, magical sight. 

Thank you for what you’ve written here - I really appreciate it! I’m feeling quite lacking in hope at the moment and your words are optimistic that things can get better - it’s lovely to read your take on that and hear about your experience. And yes - the idea of attempting to be mindful when your massively tense does seem almost impossible at times! I will take comfort from your experience though and try to persevere with it. I was very (physically) ill last year and my GP has referred me for therapy for PTSD - so it’s not surprising that I’m struggling at the moment really. 
You’re so right that problems in the wider world are mostly beyond our control - therefore worrying about them and focussing on them is not very helpful. I’m trying to reduce the amount of News and current affairs programmes I watch as otherwise I find it increases my anxiety levels. I get angry too about politics and  injustice. It’s quite toxic though to focus on these things too much. 
I love gardening too - we only have a small garden but I’m so grateful for it. What seeds have you planted? 
last summer I got really into succulents and alpines and I’m amazed how resilient and hardy they are - and really easy to look after which I like. I hate to see a plant die. We planted loads of wild flower seeds on out front garden last autumn so I’m hoping they’ll appear when the weather is warmer. I often don’t have much look with wild flower seeds which I can never understand. I think maybe the soil I’m planting them in here is too rich perhaps, My youngest son is also autistic and he loves Cordylines and once spent a lot of our holiday in Cornwall taking loads of photographs of them. He loves the sound they make in the breeze, 

kestrels are beautiful aren’t they? I love birds of prey - especially owls. We have tawny owls that nest at the back of our house. I particularly love to see a barn owl - they are so special! I so rarely see a barn owl but when I do it’s such a wonderful, magical sight. 

I love Gardeners World too. So soothing.

I too have found planting seeds helps. I like to watch Gardeners World. It is a relaxing pace as well as useful tips.