Published on 12, July, 2020
I wrote in my diary last week "in a strange mood but I don't know why, often get like this".
This week I'm wondering if I'm depressed but I don't feel sad or worthless. I sometimes have difficulty picking up on how I feel. I just know I've felt flat for quite a bit. My head is crammed full but otherwise I feel flat. I can't stop eating.
Interspersed with this are odd days of enjoyment and feeling in the flow.
In the mix is also anxiety without worry but I have felt ok today.
I feel things are getting harder as I get older in my mid thirties but it's not like I have got any commitments in life apart from a partner, house and job of 4 days per week.
It was noticeable things were easier for me in lockdown and I'm still adjusting back to normal. It sounds pathetic but it's the little things which put demand on executive function, on their own are nothing but added up make a big thing. Such things as remembering to get my dinner ready the night before or having to put make up on or wash my clothes for work.
I have read before AS gets worse as you get older but I'm only mid thirties.
I found things got easier the older I got. I did not do 'being young' at all well, between about 12 years of age and 25 was the worst. I started feeling more comfortable in myself by about 30, but only became reasonably happy in my own skin after about 40.
Glad you are finding it easier! I definitely feel more comfortable in my own skin at this age. It's more general adult life I struggle with but it's not like anything in my life is seemingly difficult. It just feels that way.
Yes - ‘general adult life’ - that’s what I struggle with too. All my life I’ve fantasised about ‘escape’ in various forms because I’ve found so many aspects of everyday life so difficult.
I also don't cope with adult life... I am turning 25 and I always thought I would figure it out eventually, but I haven't really...
My 'escape plan' was hoping to train as a hiking guide- I love the mountains so much and when I go on hiking tours life is simpler. There are no complicated decisions (at most, I have to decide between 2 routes). Every day is predictable and has a routine (leave at dawn etc). There is the option for time alone in nature, but equally it is easy to meet people with similar interests in the hut in evenings.
Though I guess being a guide might not be the same as you have to take care of clients.... I was actually considering giving this a go and doing the training however my escape plan was put to a halt by injuries/poor health :(