Published on 12, July, 2020
I've got a much needed new friend. How do I avoid overwhelming him?
He's NT, he seems really well adjusted, he's straightforward and good at communicating when and when he can't meet. He seems glad too, I think he's kinda got caught up with family n kids, and friends with kids who are busy, so glad of a chat. I've told him I'm autistic and he was amazingly gentle with it. I'm really relieved to have a well adjusted, uncomplicated male friend who's a similar age. It's gone really nicely, but I can be quite intense and that started to come out today. So what do I talk about to keep things lighter?
I've tended to make friends by having deep 1-1 chats. I've read of other aspies who do friendship quite intensley, asking probing questions, showing care, getting people to open up. It ends up with me being everyone's therapist. I'd like a more mutual relationship, and to stay lighter, and also he's well adjusted and doesn't need deep and meaningful. But today I started to go there anyway cos I'd run out of stuff to say. NT conversations about beer, football, tv, popular culture, kids or whatever else they talk about don't do anything for me but leave me bemused and silent.
So, how am I gonna take this friendship forward. I'm seeing him next just after christmas for a 2'30" run, which is a lot of talking time.
Texting at 5am to add something to a conversation is exactly what i worry about doing! We talked about running times and i just looked up his marathon time and am well impressed and want to text, but he hasn't replied to my last text yet. I'd text anyway, but i know that's not how you're supposed to do it.
Mark (NicheMarket) said:i guess the boundaries of any friendship get negotiated over time.
I concur, I do not know how to lie, I tried to learn it, but it always ends with me stammering, so I can only go natural, but I would do it like that anyway, and at pace it goes on its own.
Though i text them sometimes 5am to add something to the last conversation :P
Thanks. It was good to be reminded that he might not mind me being overwhelming; and i guess the boundaries of any friendship get negotiated over time. I think he's a healthier, more balanced form of friendship than lots of my other friends, and the dynamic beyween us is new to me, and that's a bit unsettling.
so throught the stomach to the heart, and then something incommon to talk about :P
I can tell you how I made friends, they both divorced with kids, and not autistic
one is 2 years older, and english and we work same place, I made him come over for a dinner once, and we found out that we have common interest - conspiracy theories - and that is neverending story, so since then is easier, and more relaxed.
second one, 5 years younger and polish, I met on my 2nd day in UK, we knew same people, and ended up drinking together, we found out that we are both very honest, to honest for regular people, and we value each other for that, so relief that we can at last talk honestly made us continue meeting over drink every now and then for years, and now he developed another hobby - learning, we have more to talk about, whathever interesting we read about recently.
but for the overwhelming part, no advice, what to do, it looks like my friends do not mind it
This new frienship is going well, but ...
I can see I'm anchoring on him a bit in my head for emotional support. This is really unusual for me. I normally listen to everyone else's drama and find it quite hard to get support, even now that I want it and try to get it.
He's more sorted, stable and I think content than my other friends, so I can see why it would make sense. He's also a dad so will have learnt some looking after skills, and I think he's got 'secure attachment' which i doubt any of my other friends have. Basically I feel emotionally secure around him which i think has only happened twice for me and both those were romantic relationships. So it's def progress to make this type of friend. I think I'm changing which is enabling me to be more vulnerable, but I don't want it all to woosh out on him!
Statistically, and i trained as a statistician, dice have a higher probability of success for the most important life decisions than human decision making!
But yeah, I've been thinking that. Mr NSI is not the type of friend I'd normally make, but feels really healthy, so I've been wondering how to expand my field of friendship making.
I'm naturally optimistic, but I do wonder whether my best strategy is to optimise a life assuming I won't meet someone instead of constantly chasing false leads. I'm happy enough alone until that tranquility is shattered by someone like MGG.
Covid busting my christmas is wobbling me today, but really i could do with someone even if only for a few weeks fling.
NO to becoming a recluse ,,,, u are quite a nice guy, with bags of energy so keep going.
u will meet the right person eventually.
change how u select people ie use a dice,, so that try out people you wouldnt normally even look at ..... like i said i shouldnt give you advice
Yeah, I've been wondering if i should invest in becoming a recluse. I think I could learn to do it, at least a bit. I'm sort of letting go of MGG, which is really sad. I really miss him, and I'm sure I'm on his mind too. I'm not going to meet someone lime that again. I've always had good perseverence, but I'm feeling more often on giving up on people generally. Which is also sad. But then becoming friends with Mr NSI is nice.
but you keep at it
Yeah. I've seen recently I need to be more at ease with silence.
I should probably frame the question above differently. The real issue is probably that I make friendships by digging deep, but in the long run that does me no good. I'm learning how to be lighter touch cos I'd like to be for myself.
Cheers for the advice, I can def ask about family, christmas n stuff more and enjoy that.
T'aww. Yeah it's hard.
And this is Mr NSI above. MGG is still awol:( and probably will be for a long long time.
i am a walking disaster when it comes to making friends
Well, just treat him as a friend. Talk with him if he wants to chat, and find a balance between letting him speak and talking yourself. Whether that's about his family, christmas, work, whatever, engage in the conversation even if you're steering it towards topics you find more interesting.
If he's running with you he may be happy having some quiet time and physical exercise, in which case you're being a friend purely by being a companion. Don't undervalue that, for him and for you too.
Friendships tend to develop organically. If he likes the person you are, he'll be happy to spend time with you. If he doesn't, it'll hurt you to pretend to be someone else anyway. So just accept that he's going to be a friend or not, and otherwise enjoy the time you spend running together.