Published on 12, July, 2020
I've got a much needed new friend. How do I avoid overwhelming him?
He's NT, he seems really well adjusted, he's straightforward and good at communicating when and when he can't meet. He seems glad too, I think he's kinda got caught up with family n kids, and friends with kids who are busy, so glad of a chat. I've told him I'm autistic and he was amazingly gentle with it. I'm really relieved to have a well adjusted, uncomplicated male friend who's a similar age. It's gone really nicely, but I can be quite intense and that started to come out today. So what do I talk about to keep things lighter?
I've tended to make friends by having deep 1-1 chats. I've read of other aspies who do friendship quite intensley, asking probing questions, showing care, getting people to open up. It ends up with me being everyone's therapist. I'd like a more mutual relationship, and to stay lighter, and also he's well adjusted and doesn't need deep and meaningful. But today I started to go there anyway cos I'd run out of stuff to say. NT conversations about beer, football, tv, popular culture, kids or whatever else they talk about don't do anything for me but leave me bemused and silent.
So, how am I gonna take this friendship forward. I'm seeing him next just after christmas for a 2'30" run, which is a lot of talking time.
No, save me from that I've helped and listened to people all my life with little support given in return. People seem to think I'm a wall or something with no needs of my own. Now it's time for me and my wants and needs, that's what I'm going to do I've just found how to add these lovely emojis! I love emojis.
yes so we all know what to do
maybe u should be --- ok just being silly now tough job really
Maybe...but it happens to me all the time. I am not a counsellor. It is not my job to sit there and be lectured by someone without being able to get a word in. I want an equal friendship where I can have a normal back and forth conversation, and some fun and laughs...
she must have seen something good in you to have told u so much
Oh I so wish our society made it okay to declare friendships and relationships. I think I'd have done well in the 19th century where everything was more formal, and if you wanted to be friends with someone, you visited their house and left your calling card. There was a lot of etiquette and rules and those would suit me.
Thanks.
I'm learning (in my 50s!) that talking about a subject til I feel I've exhausted it is not the way to attract friends, however lonely, scared and desperate for a social life I am. It's very hard if you're struggling, not to pour it all out to a kind acquaintance.I think what really decided it for me is when I went for coffee with my yoga teacher at her house. I'd known her for a year at yoga classes, she seemed nice, funny, sorted out. But when I went to her house, she just poured out everything that had ever happened to her, from being adopted at birth to recently moving her 90 year old father into a home. It was overwhelming, I now know all the major things that have ever happened to her and there isn't anything else to talk about or know about her. She also didn't want me to leave after 4 hours, by which time I was tired and hungry.So I thought 'OMG is that what I do to people?' and resolved to change it. Not saying you do that but it's what happened.
So I decided that he's just a better choice of friend than I normally go for. He's grounded and sorted and doesn't have complex needs and has the capacity to "hold" whilst most of my friendships it's me doing the holding. So I'm unmasking and in a different role to normal, which is all good! It's unsettling, but good!
He's also displayed a few autistic traits which I can also find unsettling due to the sense of ease that releases in me.
So I'll keep on eye on my traits and neurosis and go slow n steady rather than make a declaration that he's my new special interest. I often want to clarify with new friends "So, do you want to be friends then?" And then make a MOU about what the friendship expectations entail;>).
That's a good point, cheers.
I'm good at turn taking, but yes I do want to talk until I've exhausted a subject and got to the bottom of it. And if that's an issue I'm havng then I do want to stay there. It can take me forever to start or get around to a topic, but then want to do it fully. I think that is an element of the dynamic, he's unusually caring so i am tempted to blab it all,but i barely know him.
nice contribution
I've found out that people don't like it if I talk too much about the same subject. I used to have lots of problems and talk about them a lot to anyone who seemed to be a friend, I used to talk about them until I was 100% sure that they'd understood the problems completely. But I've learned that isn't the way. Now I just mention something briefly and move on. As I become greater friends with the person, then I can mention the problem a bit more as time goes on. I just have to be patient.
This also works with subjects like hobbies and obsessions: if I go on and on about them, it puts off friends. It's best to just mention things briefly and move on.
Also, I make sure to take turns talking, I stop if I've been talking for too long and try and take turns. Other people are often not good at this though, so it's hard.
I hope this helps
awooo
blimey
My rubbish sleep patterns right now might suggest i am!
I would rather be a werewolf
are u a vampire ?
Good point!
are you a vampire ?
no?
then he is safe with you :P
YIKES, I've realised what's going on, I'm unmasking when I'm with him, and that's what's making me feel vulnerable!
(I also realised I'm hardly seeing anyone, inc not going into work, and he's probably the only person I'm seeing regular with the capacity to offer any emotional support).
yes, I do not sent 2nd if there is no answer, unless they are sort off together :P
suprisingly at first, they answer sometimes 5:05am :)
english one suffers from insomnia, so he is not sleeping yet often at that time