How to avoid overwhelming a new friend?

I've got a much needed new friend. How do I avoid overwhelming him?

He's NT, he seems really well adjusted, he's straightforward and good at communicating when and when he can't meet. He seems glad too, I think he's kinda got caught up with family n kids, and friends with kids who are busy, so glad of a chat. I've told him I'm autistic and he was amazingly gentle with it. I'm really relieved to have a well adjusted, uncomplicated male friend who's a similar age. It's gone really nicely, but I can be quite intense and that started to come out today. So what do I talk about to keep things lighter?

I've tended to make friends by having deep 1-1 chats. I've read of other aspies who do friendship quite intensley, asking probing questions, showing care, getting people to open up. It ends up with me being everyone's therapist. I'd like a more mutual relationship, and to stay lighter, and also he's well adjusted and doesn't need deep and meaningful. But today I started to go there anyway cos I'd run out of stuff to say. NT conversations about beer, football, tv, popular culture, kids or whatever else they talk about don't do anything for me but leave me bemused and silent.

So, how am I gonna take this friendship forward. I'm seeing him next just after christmas for a 2'30" run, which is a lot of talking time.

  • Oh thanks for that @aidie and See it didn't work for me with aidie Thinking Oh there you are! I just typed too fast, you have to type slowly.

    Thanks for saying who you mean in replies. I always get confused because I'm never sure if people are replying to me or someone else.

    Yes. In other places, if I ask too many questions people think I'm being deliberately annoying when all I want is a clear answer Rolling eyes

  • Yes, hopefully this forum will be supportive. I joined another autism one and within a few days I got a private message from some sleazy guy! That happens to most of the women I know online Rolling eyes

  • Yes, where i wrote @kikicat your name should have popped up and then you'd have got a notification i'd replied to your comment.

    The threads were getting complicated with more than one person replying so i wanted to say which repky was for who.

    Wowser it's so refreshing to be on here where people just say what's in their heads and what they mean!

  • it just means someone tried to find u using a search ( using @ ) you didnt return in the list. It happens all the time. Nothing to worry about.

    if u key in @aidie in any discussion text like a reply,   you should find me ( i had to check Slight smile )

  • What does it mean 'my profile doesn't pop up'? I have no idea what that means...

  • So, this is all going well folks! I've relaxed, we're chatting about lots of things, I'm not repeating my usual patterns, he handles my quirks really well. I don't feel at risk of overwhelming him! Yay!

  • Haha, I was just stuggling with the same, where's the replies. This part of the conversation had been hidden away from me and didn't show up withthe purple line. Sometimes new replues don't, othertimes it's purple line highlighted and i've seen it, othertimes the top icon says 2-3 people have replied but i only find one ...

    overall tho i'm glad to have the forum.

  • Yes  I can see online dating is easier for this, I'm waiting for lockdown to end to try it again.

    And yes, I've got to be clearer myself and say things like "do you want a date." Lovely guys emerge through my networks once a year or so but it's all too ambiguous!

  • Thanks @kikicat (hmm your profile doesn't pop up). I think I've twigged my autism gets in the way and that'll help in future. I'll be bolder, and i'll check in with friends quicker!

  • Excellent! Your self control will be worth it as time goes on. Keep doing that. I started with one friend, then worked my way up to two friends! Can't believe it.

    Ugh I find this forum so confusing!! I can't clearly see who has replied to me and where I should reply back and who replied to me last. It's like hunt the reply Slight frown

  • I'm so glad I'm not dating any more! I had loads of moments like this but I realised that being a walking oblivion was just making me miserable. 

    I did online dating because that was its obvious that we were looking for a romantic partner and not another friend, I was also very upfront about being autistic and asked if that was an issue (at the first face to face usually, not on my profile). 

    I don't know how to tackle someone who you already know and have an idea might like you. I'm not very good face to face so I'd probably text and ask if I'd misread signs and explain that I'm autistic (you might want to use cushioning language like "high functioning" or "mildly" if you think it will put him off but then think about long term, do you want a long term relationship with someone who doesn't accept your autism?), and explain that people with autism miss subtle social cues.

    Failing that, you could always just ask them out on something that is clearly a date? It's a minefield. 

  • For some reason, when I saw the title of this post, the first advice that came into my head was, 'Don't lick their face.' I don't know why. I've never licked anyone's face, it's not a habit I have, but still, that was the only advice I could think of... 

    I struggle with a similar thing when I make new friends, well, I seem to have two different modes, either I'm not 'whelming' enough, or I'm overwhelming. 

    The only thing I do seem to know is, don't lick your friends, especially your new friends.  

  • Oh dear, you've reached the end of my knowledge, sorry. I don't know how to be clear because people always think I'm being rude when I am being clear Joy

    Hopefully someone else will arrive with ideas.

  • I definitely got the idea it was a date as I understand that is what is supposed to happen. If someone asks someone out to a party or occasion, it is a date. No one else has ever asked me out to an occasion so it was pretty surprising. I just understood he was concerned that I would say no to being picked up on a motorbike and he'd have to find another mode of transport. My mum and my friends were very disapproving of travelling on a motorbike but I didn't see any danger in it.

    Maybe because you're thinking about these men, you're sending out signals that are attracting them, somehow!Bulb (that is a lightbulb= idea)

  • Oh I see! I thought that was all the text said.

  • The main thing is, I have to find ways of being clearer with guys, and earlier, before I've totally fallen for them and then scared of scaring them off.

    I also have to find a way of meeting out gay men, rather than attracting all these closest ones which makes it all very ambiguous and ambivalent.

  • I meant being asked to a birthday and riding on a bike wouldn't have made me think relationship possibility, but I guess there was more context.

    The motorbike guy texted me this morn out of the blue after 3-4 months! Then whilst running I saw a guy who made a move on me 15 years ago that i bungled (he's now married); and then i saw the guy i'm totally infatuated with that i messed up. Weird!

  • The text did have more in it. I seemed to have focussed on the detail and not seen his question in context. She said there were 8 positives in the text, and 1 "negative," but she said people typically frame clarifying intent in a defensive way. I can see generally I can't put things in context. So someone sitting really close will just be someone sitting really close, but not in oo we flirt a lot and now they're sitting close.