Published on 12, July, 2020
I've got a much needed new friend. How do I avoid overwhelming him?
He's NT, he seems really well adjusted, he's straightforward and good at communicating when and when he can't meet. He seems glad too, I think he's kinda got caught up with family n kids, and friends with kids who are busy, so glad of a chat. I've told him I'm autistic and he was amazingly gentle with it. I'm really relieved to have a well adjusted, uncomplicated male friend who's a similar age. It's gone really nicely, but I can be quite intense and that started to come out today. So what do I talk about to keep things lighter?
I've tended to make friends by having deep 1-1 chats. I've read of other aspies who do friendship quite intensley, asking probing questions, showing care, getting people to open up. It ends up with me being everyone's therapist. I'd like a more mutual relationship, and to stay lighter, and also he's well adjusted and doesn't need deep and meaningful. But today I started to go there anyway cos I'd run out of stuff to say. NT conversations about beer, football, tv, popular culture, kids or whatever else they talk about don't do anything for me but leave me bemused and silent.
So, how am I gonna take this friendship forward. I'm seeing him next just after christmas for a 2'30" run, which is a lot of talking time.
Well, just treat him as a friend. Talk with him if he wants to chat, and find a balance between letting him speak and talking yourself. Whether that's about his family, christmas, work, whatever, engage in the conversation even if you're steering it towards topics you find more interesting.
If he's running with you he may be happy having some quiet time and physical exercise, in which case you're being a friend purely by being a companion. Don't undervalue that, for him and for you too.
Friendships tend to develop organically. If he likes the person you are, he'll be happy to spend time with you. If he doesn't, it'll hurt you to pretend to be someone else anyway. So just accept that he's going to be a friend or not, and otherwise enjoy the time you spend running together.
Yeah. I've seen recently I need to be more at ease with silence.
I should probably frame the question above differently. The real issue is probably that I make friendships by digging deep, but in the long run that does me no good. I'm learning how to be lighter touch cos I'd like to be for myself.
Cheers for the advice, I can def ask about family, christmas n stuff more and enjoy that.