Approaching my partner for sex

I sympathise. We think my wife may have an undiagnosed ASC (traits diagnosed as OCD resemble PDA with which our  eldest child has been diagnosed). I have tried to find a way round the problem you describe by us developing ways to plan ahead. This does rule out spontaneity (which we used to have more when we were younger). Having a euphemism helps me feel less awkward initiating hours beforehand and lets her know I'm especially in the mood. Of course there's plenty of time for one or both of us to get too tired, stressed, etc., but generally it gets us past the problem you describe. (re direct speech, I get it; once we established the euphamism, it worked like direct speech because it's what we said when we meant 'have sex'.) One drawback is taht if I miss the window for initiating because something is distracting my wife, it's hard to initiate later. but it sort of works. good luck! 

I agree with CaliforniaDreamer95 that it's important to work out what you both like. It took some time for me to get to a stage where I wasn't overthinking it, and where I knew what I liked/didn't like.

Speaking of enhanced senses, I have a problem with light touch, but firm touch is absolutely fine (everyone's different, so it's still worth asking him about this). If he gets hot, it might be worth getting rid of the duvet (if you're comfortable to do so) to help him stay cool. You could also try removing distractions (e.g. shutting the door to prevent the dog from coming in) and asking if there's anything that would relax him (e.g. having music or TV on in the background, so that he's not hyper-aware of every little sound).

I think it'll just be a case of taking things slowly, learning each other's likes and dislikes, and talking openly with one another. 

Hello Bethanie96,

I have never had a romantic, never mind a sexual partner, so you CAN tell me that I know nothing.

However, have you found out what each other likes? How you both like to be touched, sensations that you both like etc.

Remember, those with Autism tend to have enhanced senses.

EDIT; We have tried sex a few times since I posted this but we seem to have another problem that has risen. I have found the confidence to approach him for sex, but I'm wondering does anyone get distracted during sex? I'm not sure it would be sensory overload since he says its not the feeling of intercourse that is overwhelming. We always stop half through, a lot of the time because he is too hot. Some of the time he worries the dog will come in, and he recently was able to open up and explain to me he has constant worries in his head like "What should I be doing", "How should I move", "Should I talk dirty" etc and his Asperger brain seems to just over take. How can I keep his focus back on what we are doing. This is a little bit of problem since we are not being sexually satisfied but also we plan to conceive!!! Don't know how to edit the original post. 

Amazingly I've never googled "sex and alexithymia" but it sounds like it would be a good thing to look into!

We done the test together and he scored high 

This is excellent advice I was trying to think of some suggestions myself, but yours sound brilliant.

There are some good tests for alexithymia around - e.g. this one: https://www.alexithymia.us/alexithymia-questionnaire-online-test

No worries!

Very personal subject and we are all different. Each side has their own take on matters

As an autistic person I do like things to be predictable routines, so that is what I favoured, with exceptions well advised in advance. Not sounding at all spontaneous

Brilliant idea! Thank you so much.

Oh that's interesting to hear, I think it might be helpful to see if that's how my partner feels. Thanks for your input.

Could you have some sort of code? Like maybe he has a red card and when he doesn’t want to be approached for sex, he has the red card next to him. If the red card is nowhere to be seen then he doesn’t mind? Nice and simple.

I'm sorry to hear that, my partner is very affectionate  but has a lot of trouble understanding things. 

Oh ok, my partner has a lot of trouble understanding his feelings, how to get them out, how to explain his feelings and notice them a lot. That makes total sense! 

I am autistic and I was sexually abused as a young boy, so I find being intimate with someone very difficult.  I am very affectionate but I have certain fears about sex.  It is probably best to take small steps 

Yes I can relate to that a bit. 

Alexithymia is a reduced ability to "feel" emotions, or be able to work out what emotions you're having when you notice sensations in your body. Basically being able to notice, identify and explain feelings. So it doesn't help with sex life as it cuts off the emotional angles.

My  husband has given up initiating sex with me. I have to be in the right frame of mind so he leaves it up to me to plan and initiate. Sex is such an overwhelming physical sensory experience I find it so hard. It takes a massive amount of brain power to overcome the heightened senses and feelings that occur during it. 

It does help me to get into the mood if I watch something where people are romantically involved (not pornographic!!) Just normal tv shows where couples do it. It helps my brain see that it's normal and enjoyable. Don't know this would help with your partner.

You’re very welcome.

No problem, I have issues with auto correct on here too!

I’m glad I could help a bit. Best of luck with it. I’m sure you’ll find a way forward. Xx