Published on 12, July, 2020
I’ve just joined this community because my partner and I are working through living life with his diagnoses ASD. I have trouble approaching him for sex because I’m worried that because he becomes fixated on the one thing he is doing at the time that he will end up becoming anxious if I spontaneously approach him for sex and he will end up having a meltdown and i can’t help but sometimes feel hurt even though I fully support and understand him. Does anyone have any tips? I’m also very shy so have trouble being direct about what I want when it comes to these situations and know he needs direct speech to understand.
And I’m so sorry I meant Nessie, it was auto correct
Not to do with sex, but this has been the case if he is busy on a Game, reading, if something goes wrong and He gets thrown off etc so it gives me anxiety to even try with some things. That’s interesting, What is alexithymia?
Jessie, thank you so much. So far in our 8 year relationship/ one year since diagnosis we have just gone with the flow without any advice for our relationship. That is honestly the best advice I have got thus far and I really admire your advice. Thank you
*talking
LOL, yep. Conversations don’t always have to follow seamlessly, though:
Natural lull, take a sip of tea, “Anyway, is it okay if we talk about...”
Have you had situations with him in the past that have gone badly that make you worry like this? I'm an ASD-diagnosed man, and my wife has been referred for diagnosis too. We both score highly for alexithymia too.
Nessie said:segway from taking about Boris Johnson to talking about your need for intimacy
That made me smile! I imagine that would take some skill to do smoothly (no disrespect to anyone!).
Hello Bethanie,
I think you both need to take smaller steps to first establish a pattern of clear and open communication because sex can be awkward to talk about for a lot of couples.
He will probably respond well to a regularly scheduled time to talk about things, but you will first need to find an appropriate time to even suggest this to him.
For my fiancé and I, we have agreed that our Saturday morning routine is to get up late, have a full English brunch and then chat about anything and everything, including relationship stuff that has come up for us that week.
It means we have a scheduled time to raise issues, worries or questions when we are both rested and relaxed and thus most able to have a calm and sensible conversation.
Give him a heads up too, so he’s aware that anything can be discussed at this time; not just who takes the bins out and what you think of Brexit, but intimate worries too, like about sex. That way he won’t be completely blindsided when you segway from taking about Boris Johnson to talking about your need for intimacy.
It will then be an opportunity for you to come up with a plan together and give you at least a weekly opportunity to review that plan and make sure it works for both of you. It might be he would prefer a set time/day each week for a “date night” rather than spontaneity, but you will need to talk about and try different things to make sure you both find a workable solution. Just make sure he knows that your plan is not set in stone and can be discussed and adjusted if either of you find it isn’t working. As aspies, we can get quite fixated on schedules and sometimes to our detriment.
Tread slowly and gently and I’m sure you’ll find a way through. You sound like you really care about him and understand his needs, which is great and will give you a solid foundation for your conversations.
Hope that helps a little?
Nessie