How did you 'come out' as autistic to your family following diagnosis?

First of all, give yourself time to take it in. I'm sure that your family will be fine with it. After all, they have known you for 42 years. All that has actually happened is that you have been given an explanation into what makes you a unique person. Be proud of the diagnosis, and feel free to express any questions as and when you need answers.

NAS63557 said:

I feel almost a fraud because nobody is interested,and that I've struggled alone all my life,and finding out my diagnosis isn't going to change it,I'm sure as everything in family life is individual everybody's experience is going to be unique,but for me I wish I had kept it to myself because their reactions have added to my upset that I have unknowingly been struggling with this for a lifetime and nobody could see it.

Many of us here understand this, in ways that some people close to us off the forum can't. For them it's just a bit of news & then they get on with their lives: for us it's a significant step. Many people here sending you good vibes!

I remember the summer after I did my A levels I spent reading a giant book on Africa and learning all the capital cities. 

Also - it means they will walk you through the VIP lane in security - no queues - very useful.

That's really helpful, thank you. 

Don't be sorry, it is important to share our stories even if they are sometimes not as positive as we want. I am hesitant to share with my family as I don't think they will understand what autism means and I am not confident to explain it well. Perhaps you could talk to your daughter about your granddaughter and how she is coping with life> I expect you will be able to give her some good insights, which might lead to the conversation opening up to how you are coping. 

No luggage is VERY liberating - when you're spending thousands on a holiday, $10 for 3 T-shirts is peanuts - just consider it as consumables.

If you speak to disability assistance, they will give you a green lanyard with sunflowers on it - it denotes to all staff that you are disabled but not obviously - hidden disabilities are well catered for in airports now.

What you have said is so true - I have already reached burn out last year, which led to me leaving my job, I have managed to scrape through life with my masking abilities but whether it's my age or just finally exhaustion with all the pretence and trying to fit in, the mask just doesn't work any more and I have unravelled. Hopefully this diagnosis is the beginning of a more positive chapter, but as you say, first I need some time to find out who the real me is.

I'm trying not to dwell too much on the past, although I can now smile at some things I have done, which looking back in hindsight make perfect sense now. For example, my in depth end of term school project on Ancient Egyptian Civilisation age 8, with interactive map of the Nile, when most friends wrote half a page on Madonna! I can still feel the shocked silence of my friends and teacher on the day I presented it to the class!

Thank you, it's great that you felt able to tell people. If you work out a way to indicate your 'spoon levels' (had to look that one up!) to other people it would be really helpful if you felt able to share it on here. The only way I currently have is completely shutting down and removing myself from the situation, which obviously doesn't explain anything to other people.

I haven't found a resource yet that completely explains me so I may try to create one myself. That way I will have something ready to show people if I do disclose to them. 

That's a  good suggestion, although it may take another 4 weeks before I get the written report. I expect I will try and find an appropriate moment to mention it before then but then again having the report might give me some confidence in what I'm saying. Confused.

Bagpuss7 said:

Still in ostrich burying head in sand mode!

I can totally understand that!

I think as long as someone else knows (eg your two close friends or for me my husband) then maybe it is possible to keep the diagnosis a private matter. It is still early days for me, but I feel it might be easier not to tell too many people.

I'm done with Christmas Cards said:

You're in an interesting position having been diagnosed without anyone knowing - how on earth did you cope with the soul searching, speculation and waiting alone?

I think my mental health issues provided a useful cover for once! 

No luggage - that is genius! Unfortunately, I don't think I could convince my family. I would love to have everything planned but my NT husband likes to be more spontaneous and 'go with the flow'. Out of interest, what is the invisible disability lanyard? I've never heard of this before. 

You're also going to start replaying your life over and over in your head, analysing every interaction and decision you've ever made wondering if you behaved rationally or because of your autism.    Have you done things in the past that were probably not the right thing in hindsight to irrationally avoid stress?

You'll start analysing relationships to see if people really are your friends or have they been using your naive, trusting personality against you.

You'll start to realise that your life may not be going along the path that's best for you - lots of us reach burn-out when our mask cannot provide a nice user-interface to cover all of the increasing complexities of life so it's like spinning plates - eventually, there's too many and it all comes crashing down - crisis time - it's that point where a lot of us get diagnosed.

You might need some time to figure out who the real you is - and time to figure out who you want to be and  what you want to do about it.

Diagnosed earlier this year at 47, my wife & family knew I was looking at diagnosis - "Why do you want to do that?" was my parent's reaction and they still don't really 'get' it... "You're just you..." blah blah blah.

I told my work colleagues I was going through assessment and have been open about it since diagnosis.

3 days after diagnosis we went on holiday with my in-laws for a week (I had tried EVERYTHING to get out of going) and I agreed with my wife that she'd find a moment to tell her Dad, sister, brother-in-law and nieces (2) - in the end I ended up telling one of the nieces and her boyfriend... and the scuba-diving instructor (it seemed relevant disclosure).

I've since told friends, my Mrs has told her friends and even some of my ex colleagues who still work in the same place she does.

I've also told various colleagues outside my immediate team if/when it felt appropriate, including earlier today after i basically had a mini-meltdown on a conference call.

Basically I'm telling anyone that I think it would be useful TO ME if they know. I'm also working on a device to use to indicate my 'spoon levels' to myself and others as a non-verbal way of communicating when I may be struggling and that's been a 'gateway' to discussing it with a variety of people.

Oh, and I'm thinking of maybe doing a presentation at work on autism (I work in IT so I'll basically be preaching to the choir!) and I may also do a piece for my triathlon club as they have signed up to the Mental Health Charter for Sports and Recreation.

So far it's all going swimmingly (and cyclingly and runningly... terrible triathlon pun!)

BUT, I think I'm kind of an exception. The key is to do what is right FOR YOU and to be aware that you won't always get the reaction you expect. Make sure you can point people at a resource that will explain to them in a way that is appropriate to you, what autism REALLY means.

Best of luck!

Hi I was diagnosed a couple of months ago at 58,like you I found it difficult to tell my family,my husband knew as he was part of my assesment,I am also bipolar so for him me being labelled with this made no difference,my parents looked confused when I was saying my childhood was difficult as they didn't know,then they felt guilty if it were true,I feel they are still not convinced,which makes me question myself,which I find very confusing even though it is a confirmed diagnosis,my 4 year old granddaughter has been diagnosed too,telling my daughter's was hard because I felt they thought I was somehow trying to take away from my granddaughter's diagnosis,it is through her diagnosis I began to see myself,and after my psychiatrist referral it was confirmed,nobody mentions it now at all,I feel almost a fraud because nobody is interested,and that I've struggled alone all my life,and finding out my diagnosis isn't going to change it,I'm sure as everything in family life is individual everybody's experience is going to be unique,but for me I wish I had kept it to myself because their reactions have added to my upset that I have unknowingly been struggling with this for a lifetime and nobody could see it.sorry this isn't more positive.

Hi, I was only diagnosed at the end of last year myself and it is a lot to take in. I just announced it to my husband when I got home from my assessment/diagnosis day, but I do also have a co-morbid ABI which means I don't hold back as much as others might when it comes to divulging important information. He then found and read my full diagnostic report when I left it on the kitchen work top two weeks later! I can understand that others might not be able to be quite as forthright about telling people as I was. Maybe wait until you have received your full diagnostic report and then tell your husband, that way you have written information to show him?

I was diagnosed a year ago, 40s, and have yet to actually tell anyone in my family. Have told a few friends, boss and a few others at work, prob about 12 people in total. But not my family. Kinda wish I had before I got diagnosed as telling them now would involve discussion about why I have not told them before. Still in ostrich burying head in sand mode!

Hi Biblio44,

Well done on getting all the information together and going through the assessment process and finding out.

I found out age 53, having suspected since 51.  I made a policy decision that it was not my close bio family's business.  Life, work career etc had moved us to different parts of the country and we were not the fam,oly which is always in each others company etc (I suspect we all plot somewhere on the spectrum)

Two close friends were taken into my confidence.  They had provided background information for the assessment so it was only fair tot hem.