How did you 'come out' as autistic to your family following diagnosis?

I was diagnosed just over a month ago and I can relate to there being some unexpected feelings - the key one for me at the moment is getting used to not waiting for diagnosis any more (after 19 months)!

You're in an interesting position having been diagnosed without anyone knowing - how on earth did you cope with the soul searching, speculation and waiting alone? Well done in any case!

I didn't have much problem telling people I already know, and it was more gradual for me at home (via "Do you think my dad might be autistic?" and then lots of conversations about symptoms) and at work I had little choice; I had a burnout and was off sick for three months, returned to work pretty much knowing that I'm autistic and would have to say something & make changes to stop burnout happening again.

What I'm going through now is telling new people I haven't met before (e.g. new people at work who didn't see the burnout) - here it's much less easy to decide whether or not it's necessary. I guess this might be similar to what you're going through & the same "pros and cons" weigh-up might apply.

So it's basic unpredictability - choosing presents - you cannot know what they would appreciate = unpredictable.

Holiday - soooo many things can go wrong = unpredictable.

It all boils down very quickly to chaos-aversion.

We do Disney Florida every year because The Mouse does not allow Mr Cockup to come to town - everything is perfect - and predictable = relaxation

Airport = stress so we go down the night before and stay in an airport hotel (£30) so we don't get stuck in traffic, we use the invisible-disability sunflower lanyard and use disability assistance to get us through security vip-lane and we use the private lounge to get away from the noise of the terminal.    We get pre-boarded so we know we're settled on the plane and we take no luggage so we can be off the plane and out of the airport long before most people get to see their bags.   

We take no luggage because the bare minimum of clothes fits into hand luggage - buy toiletries & anything else we need at the destination for just a few $$.

Coming home is simply the reverse - all the assistance is offered on Orlando so it's dead easy.   Perfect Planning Prevents Poor Performance!

Exactly what you have described - socialising, chaos, unpredictability, also unexpected visitors, change of plans, family occasions, parties, Christmas, birthdays (although I am good at planning and sourcing presents), also family holidays which I find really stressful. 

Yes - I'm sure you can come up with a million benefits - like problem solving, attention to detail, managing projects etc.

The main con is dealing with chaos and unpredictability - anything not 100% controlled & solved = stress.

Anything to do with people is unpredictable so socialising can be hard work.

What are your main stresses? 

Also good advice, thanks. Showing the positive attributes as well as the shortcomings. I'm the same with phone calls, I turn the phone to mute when it's only me in the house. I am also the tech person for the house! 

Great - hope you get some good solutions.

Try and find pros and cons - things you are happy to take over and things he would be better dealing with - make sure it balances.    For example, I have extreme stress with phone-calls - solution - wife deals with it - I do any and all technical stuff in the house and with cars, dealing face to face with contractors etc. - balance it out.

That's such good advice - present solutions not problems! Why didn't I think of that? I will start a list of issues/triggers and possible solutions (any excuse to make a spreadsheet!) Thank you, I feel more in control of this now.

Then do some digging and figure out exactly how things affect you, what the triggers are and, given a perfect husband, what can he do to make your and his lives easier and less hassle - it might only be simple things like shopping or loading the dishwasher that stress you out - how can it be made stress-free?

Nobody likes having problems dumped on them so once you have some answers worked out, have a chat with him about all the issues and solutions that will make everything better for you both.   Get him to buy-in to the solutions by making him realise how much better his marriage could be if he joins in.

I think he does suspect something, and he already knows about my mental health difficulties. I am concerned it will be the 'faulty wife' reaction but I really don't know how he is going to react. Do you think just telling him I've had the diagnosis and then letting him process that would be the best way? Or would you get some information together to give him straight away?

I suggest telling your husband - he probably suspects already - but be prepared for him to have to process it all - he could take the view that he's accidentally married someone 'faulty' or he might be very supportive and work with you to simplify your life and reduce the impact of autism on your life.  How do you think he'll react?

The rest can wait until you're completely ready - it will make no difference for them not to know.

Thank you Plastic. I think you're right, I should stop and  give myself some more time to think before telling anyone. I just feel guilty not telling my husband straight away, almost as if I'm lying to him. 

I think overall it's a good thing - now I can understand why I have had difficulties in life and I can stop blaming myself for just being a generally crap person. I'm still not sure if it would be easier not to tell most people, but then I will have to continue with the masking which has really affected me badly over the years. There's a lot to consider.

I cannot bear the thought of people patronising me because of the diagnosis. I really don't know how I would deal with that. 

Congratulations on your diagnosis!

I was diagnosed at 42 as well.   The biggest thing I would recommend right now is STOP!!!!

Get your own head around it all before telling anyone else - you'll need time to process a huge number of implications - the most important is how do you feel about it all?   Is is a good or a bad thing?

I had a mixed reaction - some weren't surprised - but my own family used it as a bullying tool - a way to try to hurt and gain superiority if it suited them.

The ultra-political work environment used it as a way to hold me back.

Mother in law used it as a way to exclude me from things 'because I wouldn't understand'.

Friends have been totally accepting - nothing for them to gain or lose so no difference in the way they treat me.

Also - - - expect everyone, their wife & their dog to claim to be "a bit autistic too" because "isn't everyone on the spectrum somewhere?"

Take some time to think about how you might explain your difficulties to annoying people!