Masking

I have that look on my face also. My wife always says I look unhappy, vacant and like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. Smiling a lot is mostly forced for me and doesn’t feel comfortable so my straight face as I call it fits me perfectly. 

I think my mask when I'm out must literally a blank mask, I'm usually in my own little world and my face is blank, it dosen't help that I have resting *** face and look angry or upset most of the time, I'm not I'm just disengaged from others around me.

Take5,

I don't see that it's purely a women discussion just because it's under women and girls....  It's good to know everyones perspective on masking I think.  I think this "women and girls" was created to encourage more women related themes but all genders can experience similar things so why not discuss it? 

it is used in the masking episode of "Autism from the Inside" on youtube.

Really sorry people. I did not realise that this was a female discussion.

Apologies again

Goodness me. I totally get that, awareness is a great thing but then you start to really study yourself which makes you pick up on everything that was missed before. I basically mask around pretty much everyone but lucky enough to work by myself  so that’s my time to regulate. I can’t even unmask in front of my partner of 27years because she doesn’t really accept it. One I get my assessment and if it’s as I suspect I’m afraid I will have to be myself in front of close friends and family. As I’m now super aware of the masking I can see what potential damage masking all the time could do to my mental health. I’m not prepared to do this to myself anymore, my moods are up and down and I just need some balance. 
The drain you mention is something I recognise on a daily basis now. We had a family bbq at the weekend and I’m still getting over it now….. how things have changed. 

Thanks for sharing that. It’s good to know you’re not alone but makes me sad that you have the same struggles. 

Take care

Bree (what a beautiful name by the way),

I tend to mask around people who I think won't accept my quirks and not so much around people I feel are quirky.  I feel that Autistics, although very different from one another are naturally drawn to each other.  If I look at my friends, we are all pretty straight talking and deep thinking people.  I love that I feel unmasked as much as is possible with them.  I do always have a caution in my head about how the other person may be feeling about what I'm saying so can't fully unmask apart from with my family though.  Even when I phone samaritans in struggling times, I can't say how I really feel as I'm aware how it will be affecting them so I can't truly offload.  That's probably why I like to talk out loud to myself, almost like a stim and therapy session rolled into one.

If I had my way, I'd be dancing in the supermarket, talking to myself and singing along to the tunes on my headphones - can you imagine? :-)

I always mask my anxiety when out but do let my friends/family know when I'm suffering.  It can be tough when it's a lot though as I fear losing them incase they get sick of me.... :-/

Bree,

That's a beautiful name by the way.

I'd say masking is a thing for most people but more so for the Autistic community because of the unfair standards society has of people.  I mask things that I know would draw attention to me like whistling, talking to myself and dancing if there's music on. If I'm happy I tend to think "FU** it" and do what makes me happy.  What I find is I notice other people doing similar things which makes me feel better.  I don't tend to dance walking about in a supermarket but I'd love to.  REALLY love to - almost to see what people would do. :-)

I definitely mask my Anxiety all the time because I know some people want to hear "fine" as opposed to "burning inside because of the FU***** light!"  Whoopseeee but sometimes profanities are the only way to accurately describe the intensity of a situation. :-)

Seriously though.  I think folks with mental health conditions and those in the Autistic community do mask much more than people without mhc and particular types of brains.  I have experiences very kind and understanding people who I suspect aren't Autistic because I think we sense each other.  It's like when I look at the types of people I am friends with, we are all so different and drawn to one another because of those differences.  I find quirky people fascinating.  The less quirky, the more I find I have to mask unless I'm on a FU** it day. :-)

I'm the same, when I'm around people I mask. When I'm masking I can fit in and be outside and do "normal" things. But it's an exhausting experience and I'll need to rest afterwards, sometimes for day's depending how long I masked. Too much masking and I'll get burnout. I've had it once and never want it again, it felt like a flu that lasted for months. 

I always try to be myself but the world isn't too accepting so I pretty much mask all the time when I'm with people. At home I can be myself. 

The term "camouflaging" is so interesting, I don't think I have heard it before, but I can definitely relate to it. I often need to find reasons for my behavior, so I can explain it to other people.

I understand your frustration with not knowing how to unmask or change your behavior. I have experienced that, but often I just feel so proud of myself for the little win of doing what I want instead, of what I think others expect. I don't plan on stopping my masking, but the feeling of deciding for yourself might be worth it sometimes.

For those interested in the topic of masking there is a book that addresses it: Autism and Masking: How and why people do it and the impact it can have. (2022) by F. Sedgewick, L. Hull and H. Ellis, Jessica Kingsley Publishers. I have it and it is quite comprehensive.

I totally relate with this feeling when you start realizing it and feel the drain it causes. I keep wondering, how did I go through life before doing this all the time?

I am not yet sure how differently people use the terms, masking and camouflaging, but I relate more with the later, meaning that I found great excuses for doing what I was doing differently. It works great with us women. 

Since I found out more about autism and realized I'm autistic things have been different. I feel a steady change almost daily, and I feel very torn. I catch myself doing it and then I catch myself not stopping it and getting mad at myself or changing my behavior and feel weird about it. Do others feel similarly?

Welcome to the community!

I'm so glad you're here and interested in discussing masking, it's something i find really interesting but don't understand all that well. Masking, or camouflaging autistic traits to fit in with neurotypical expectations, can be a complex and challenging experience for many individuals, especially for women and girls who may face unique societal pressures and expectations though it affects boys and men just as much. 

I mask pretty much all the time, more so when I'm out. If I'm talking to people, or in a shop, I know I'm masking to fit in and be accepted. By the time I get home I am absolutely wrecked! No energy, just need to rest in bed to recover.

Masking isn't a healthy thing to do but so many of us do it instinctively without even realising it at the time. I'm like this, the first I realise it is when I'm starting to feel the exhaustion like I've just run the London marathon. 

I'm 49 and autism wasn't a word that featured in my vocabulary until I was in my early-to-mid forties.

It is only as a result of being here and reading about the experiences of other members that I have come to realise that I've spent much of my life masking, without really being aware of it.

When I am in the presence of people I don't know, or don't feel comfortable with, I am now more aware of my tendency to mask. With people I do know and get along well with, I seldom feel the need to mask in order to fit in.

Since i discovered that im autistic, i mask less. I find myself being with people that i can ge myself with more. It feels good x

Welcome!

I won't contribute to the discussion as I'm a guy but hopefully me replying will give this some visibility.