Masking

I totally relate with this feeling when you start realizing it and feel the drain it causes. I keep wondering, how did I go through life before doing this all the time?

I am not yet sure how differently people use the terms, masking and camouflaging, but I relate more with the later, meaning that I found great excuses for doing what I was doing differently. It works great with us women. 

Since I found out more about autism and realized I'm autistic things have been different. I feel a steady change almost daily, and I feel very torn. I catch myself doing it and then I catch myself not stopping it and getting mad at myself or changing my behavior and feel weird about it. Do others feel similarly?

I totally relate with this feeling when you start realizing it and feel the drain it causes. I keep wondering, how did I go through life before doing this all the time?

I am not yet sure how differently people use the terms, masking and camouflaging, but I relate more with the later, meaning that I found great excuses for doing what I was doing differently. It works great with us women. 

Since I found out more about autism and realized I'm autistic things have been different. I feel a steady change almost daily, and I feel very torn. I catch myself doing it and then I catch myself not stopping it and getting mad at myself or changing my behavior and feel weird about it. Do others feel similarly?

Really sorry people. I did not realise that this was a female discussion.

Apologies again

Goodness me. I totally get that, awareness is a great thing but then you start to really study yourself which makes you pick up on everything that was missed before. I basically mask around pretty much everyone but lucky enough to work by myself  so that’s my time to regulate. I can’t even unmask in front of my partner of 27years because she doesn’t really accept it. One I get my assessment and if it’s as I suspect I’m afraid I will have to be myself in front of close friends and family. As I’m now super aware of the masking I can see what potential damage masking all the time could do to my mental health. I’m not prepared to do this to myself anymore, my moods are up and down and I just need some balance. 
The drain you mention is something I recognise on a daily basis now. We had a family bbq at the weekend and I’m still getting over it now….. how things have changed. 

Thanks for sharing that. It’s good to know you’re not alone but makes me sad that you have the same struggles. 

Take care

The term "camouflaging" is so interesting, I don't think I have heard it before, but I can definitely relate to it. I often need to find reasons for my behavior, so I can explain it to other people.

I understand your frustration with not knowing how to unmask or change your behavior. I have experienced that, but often I just feel so proud of myself for the little win of doing what I want instead, of what I think others expect. I don't plan on stopping my masking, but the feeling of deciding for yourself might be worth it sometimes.