Published on 12, July, 2020
Hey I’m 22 (F) 23 in 2 months, in a relationship with a 35 (m)
He’s got 2 kids 11(m) and 9(m) that stay with us 1 day a week not a lot I know. But I feel like a parent all the time if I’m not helping look after the boys I’m basically taking care of my partner. I cook I clean I do the washing I support him financially.
Im seeing a youth worker at the moment and she thinks I’ll be better off away from him as our relationship isn’t the best. I’m really struggling but at the same time I don’t want to leave him. I do love him and he says he loves me. But there are issues. He seems to think that a relationship is 75% bedroom visits (if you know what I mean) whereas I’m not interested in that what’s so ever and I don’t feel the same way. These aren’t our only issues but it’s the one that crops up the most often. Am I wrong? is there something wrong with me? Has anyone else felt this way? Am I harming him more by being this way? Thanks
andi said:Im seeing a youth worker at the moment and she thinks I’ll be better off away from him as our relationship isn’t the best.
She is right - you do lack the basis of a solid, long term, healthy relationship from what you describe.
Your partner does not pull their weight in the relationship from what you describe and he is being extremely selfish in most situations.
You don't mention autism anywhere - with you posting on an autism related website I assume this is in the picture. Is it you or your partner who is autistic? It sounds like him from what you mention.
There is absolutely no reason you need to accept the lack of respect he is displaying. He is being manipulative to get his desires in bed which when it causes you pain is unacceptable.
You deserve so much better.
In your shoes I would be planning my exit and working steadily towards it.
It’s me believe it or not I guess I posted it here because I was wondering if there’s something I’m missing or if it’s common for folks that are autistic to be in this sort of situation? I find it painful during sex but I also find it too much and I really plan everything and if I can’t get things done it ruins the whole day but he just brushes it off. Does that make sense? Same with the kids. I love them to bits and have no issues but when it get dropped on me oh we’re having them today as well I struggle to plan that in. Does that make sense?
andi said:I was wondering if there’s something I’m missing or if it’s common for folks that are autistic to be in this sort of situation?
It is unfortunately common for autists to be taken advantage of ny neurotypicas in relationships as we often don't really know what is normal to expect, we are often more committed to the other person because of they are our main social connection which we fear losing, we can turn them into our "special interest" which means the relationship can become quite one sided and finally because we often fail to stand up for our own wellbeing for fear of confrontation.
Your partners lack of empathy for your suffering during sex is a huge red flag to me - is he aware of the pain you suffer? To test the level of selfishness maybe make him be underneath (cowgirl style) and you can control the depth / speed to see if it works for you and also if he insists on changing just so he can finish the way he wants. Make sure he know the change would be painful for you and if he insists then you know he just does not care about your suffering.
I suspect the combination of his sense of failure of notbeing able to provide for you and his family plus the shame of having to move back home are big issues for him, but taking it out on you this way is completely unacceptable.
Only my opinion of course, but I suspect you already know your solution.
Yeah I’ve told him it hurts. I’ve told him he’s quite heavy. We’ve tried me On top and that hurts too. We tried again a while back and I said it hurts too much and he said we need to keep trying so it goes back to the way it used to be. We both wanted to move in with his dad and we did it to save he said he’d start saving and I’d be able to get my savings back but it only seems to be me doing the saving he always gets takeaways and wants to do things all the time I’ve said to him just because you have money doesn’t mean you have to spend it all. Like I’ve said in a previous comment above somewhere the amount of debts he’s got to pay is way too much and I have to help him out and I don’t get that money back….