son refusing to get dressed or go out please help

I have posted details of the law regarding school attendance which many EWOs or their managers do not always follow. Schools can issue Fixed Penalty Notices - these can be appealed. Most parents do not have the time, energy or sometimes the money to get really good legal advice, so bad practice goes unchallenged.

As an EWO I was being pushed by management to get school attendance up. Ofsted was obsessed with statistics. Persistence absence was redefined to include authorised absence (medical appointments, sickness, exceptional circumstances) and not just "truancy". Heads fearful of bad Ofsted reports put pressure on the LEA councillors, Director of Education etc. to "do something". Sewage flows downhill. EWOs were required to use powers of prosecution so they could be seen to be "doing something". In many cases the "something" should actually have been the school addressing SEND, the local authority funding EHCPs, the NHS diagnosing neurodivergent students ... we all know what should be done. But without enough money, trained staff etc. the easy option was to persecute - sorry, prosecute - the parents.  EWOs no longer have to have graduate-level training - the team I was an exception in that we had social workers, youth workers, counsellors and others who were trained and qualified to do casework.Then we were made redundant when children's service had to find £1m cuts.

Legally, the minimum training for EWOs is at the same level as a TA or traffic warden. Many authorities have outsourced their attendance services. Officially there are no targets, but unofficially, if the contractor does not issue FPNs or prosecutions, they may lose the contract. Even where the EW service is in house, many authorities have cut back on the number of graduate staff and recruited cheaper NVQ-qualified staff who do minimum casework but just process paper.

Oh my gosh reading this I have tears running down my face , I found this comment by fate, desperately trying to google … why can’t I get my Autistic daughter dressed…. I’m not sure when this was posted …. But oh my gosh I’m not alone , Thank you.. 

my daughter is 9 diagnosed with Autism, SPD etc she cannot get clothes on and this gets worse when she is anxious, hence causing her to miss school with a school attendance of under half what it should be ! Gosh it’s not me fighting this terrible battle ! Thank you again Louisa 

You could contact your local advocacy service and ask them to support you in meetings with school/local authority if having trouble being heard. Depending how old your child is they might be entitled to one too!

Same . This is us to a T. We’re having trouble coping / it’s so hard. Would love to know the outcome even though it’s been 12 years 

Unfortunately, Education Welfare can be patchy. In some areas, it is more like education social work and the workers are skilled professionals. In others, the  "Attendance Officers" get the same basic training as TAs but with a focus on attendance, and have limited knowledge of autism.  If you get threatening letters about Fixed Penalty Notices or prosecution, consult a solicitor or advice service at once.

Hi, I know you posted this years ago. But I stumbled across your post and my child is currently going through the same similar situation and I just wondered how you managed and helped support your son through this.

The question is: would someone with a physical disability be treated like this? Discrimination is a massive issue, and despite the DDA and Equality Act, there seems to be little progess for people with 'invisible' disabilities.

teardrops said:

to top things off i had a caps meeting to see if i could get other pro help, it upset me so much becouse the local support team all they did was pull my son down, and said has

 its my responsiblity to get my son dressed, and cleaned, nothing good come from the meeting,i was so angry as the other proffesinals who are invovled with my son, dident even stick up for me, and after they said it was a very unfair meeting,

i dident go their to have my son pulled down i went their as i was told i would get extra support and help, my health visitor pursecuted me for having the heating on, omg its the middle of winter my sons running around naked and i get pulled down for having the heating on, i understand if it was off, she would have something to maon about,

i refused to have another meeting with them, its upsetting having to come to turms that my sons autistic, it still hasent sunk in, without having other people trying to run him down, we all have are own problems and getting through the day is a big achevment, some of thes prof s dont realise what you go through,

this angerd me so much, i am disgusted, but unfortunately i am NOT surprised, ignorance is something a lot of these supposed 'supportive' systems have, as they tend to hire people who are not fit for the job instead of people with experience or good manner for the people they are caring for

i would go to another meeting, and make it clear you are not happy with the way the last one went, that if they do not have a clear understanding of autism or an autistic persons needs could they then bring a person or refer you to a person who does and who will not make the situation worse by adding to your personal stress by accusing you of bad parenting, which is soemthing all parents with autistic children used to be accused of 

you do not have to take that kind of treatment and have every right to say what they did, why it is wrong etc

and ask for better from them, and if they cant supply it, they bring someone who can

Hi all, I am new to all this and find it a relief to know that I am not alone. My daughter is 12 and was diagnosed with ASD when she was 6 and while I had no problems with her at primary school it seems that every week there is something happening since she started secondary school last September. I also have had days when she has refused to get up and go to school, when I have forced the issue with her she has taken to barracading herself in her bedroom by pushing her bed or even the wardrobe against the door!!! We had the same problem this morning, she had an appointment with the nurse to have an injury re-dressed, but she refused to get up saying she didn't want to go, I tried all sorts so I ended up cancelling the appointment. I am finding all this very stressful and sometimes I find it very difficult to bond with her

hi if you read on the first page some one has given me some links on this sort of area, if you click on the links their might be some advise that might be helpful to you

I have an eleven year old son who has been referred for assesment, his behaviour is getting worse, he will not wash his hair, or have it cut,and more recently has been refusing to go to school, I am a single mum and i battle every morning to try and get him to go, always with the same outcome, he becomes aggitated, his legs and feet are constantly moving then he starts screaming holding his head and saying it hurts, the week before last he started biting his arms and hands and banging his head on the side rail of his bed, i'm just not sure how to deal with his behaviour, it is so upsetting and whilst his form teacher seems understanding the headmistress contacted education welfare before christmas because of my son's absence, even though he had a broken leg at the time, an injury sustained at school, she wrote to me stating that he was choosing when he wanted to come to school. My son also has times when he 'switches off' all communication stops and he appears to go into a trance like state, he does not look at anyone, sometimes covers his ears, or hides his head, his legs start to shake and he will not speak, at school he has been known to crawl under tables or even fall asleep almost instantly, when this happens at school they call me, yet when this happens at home i have nobody to help me deal with it. Any suggestions for coping strategies would be welcomed as i'm not sure how much longer i can cope with it, my son's assessment is in 2 weeks, but even if i get a diagnosis i cannot see a way forward right now.

to top things off i had a caps meeting to see if i could get other pro help, it upset me so much becouse the local support team all they did was pull my son down, and said has a parent its my responsibilaty to get my son dressed, and cleaned, nothing good come from the meeting, i was so angry as the other proffesinals who are invovled with my son, dident even stick up for me, and after they said it was a very unfair meeting, i dident go their to have my son pulled down i went their as i was told i would get extra support and help, my health visitor pursecuted me for having the heating on, omg its the middle of winter my sons running around naked and i get pulled down for having the heating on, i understand if it was off, she would have something to maon about, i refused to have another meeting with them, its upsetting having to come to turms that my sons autistic, it still hasent sunk in, without having other people trying to run him down, we all have are own problems and getting through the day is a big achevment, some of thes prof s dont realise what you go through,

hi , yes the next day he refused to get dressed and cryed, so i dident push him, ever since then hes refused since, i strongly belive that the teacher reacted in away to scare him so much to couse anxciaty, its not normal for a child to refuse to go out side and play, its so upsetting as a parent to feel so hopeless

Hello again teardrops

No I realise, it's never straightforward. I wonder why he won't do these things since that incident - is he afraid of going out now so refuses to get ready?

Here also is a link to NAS advice services:

http://www.autism.org.uk/our-services/advice-and-information-services.aspx

You might feel like trying the Parent to Parent service if you just want to talk things through, or the Autism Helpline if you want some advice.

Sandra - mod

hi sandra, just checked on the links, its not that easy, my son, will only stay in the one room all day, he refuses to go into the bath room at all, now, ive tryed srutty toys that fill with water, still no joy, ive tryed dry shampoo, he dosent like it, ive tryed baby wipes, the lot, ive tried pec cards they dont seem to work with my son, im havin to try basic sign langrage, makaton, its so hard, its the same with getting dressed, hes refused since the incident, at nursery

thank you sandra i will have a look now, hoping their could be some good ideas, im at my whits end ,

ive got it all yet to come from the education side, my sons been offered a place at speical school, right now, has i explained to the eductaion im unable to get him in becouse i

he refuses to get dressed , its very depressing to think the lack of support from the eductaion side, they dont have to live with a autistic child every day, i have no familey support , it does get you down,

Hello teardrops

Sorry to hear about the difficulties you've been having. I'm just going to post a few links relating to the issues you've raised. I realise though that your difficulties may be less about teaching these skills as it sounds like your son is now refusing to do things he was able to. My daughter finds it very difficult to resist a picture schedule so that could be a possibility. My son does prefer his clothes off whenever possible though!

Here's some website info about teaching self help skills, including getting dressed:

http://www.autism.org.uk/living-with-autism/understanding-behaviour/behaviour-common-questions-answered/any-tips-on-teaching-my-son-self-help-skills.aspx

This article is about difficulties involved with washing:

http://www.autism.org.uk/living-with-autism/understanding-behaviour/behaviour-common-questions-answered/my-adult-son-does-not-like-to-wash-himself.aspx

Also, here is more information about behaviour in general and understanding the causes:

http://www.autism.org.uk/living-with-autism/understanding-behaviour/behaviour-guidelines.aspx

You might also be interested in this article about sensory issues if you think that could be a possible explanation:

http://www.autism.org.uk/living-with-autism/understanding-behaviour/the-sensory-world-of-autism.aspx

There's a lot of information there, but hopefully you might something which will help.

Good luck.

Sandra - mod

Unfortunately, there is no support, not that I know of. I'm on long term sick at the moment from work because I just can't get there. Although my girl is 12 there's no way I could leave her home alone.

I've also got the added pressure of Educational Welfare breathing down my neck. If I don't get her into school there's a possibility that I may end up in court, but what can you do?

I have another friend who has the same problem with her daughter who is 15, they sent someone out from school in the mornings to try and make her daughter dress. They gave up after 3 days!!

Forums like this are soooooo important for people in our situation, as it is isolating, frustrating and pretty depressing at times.

I also find it kind of degrading, I'm the parent right? Why can't I control my child? It's just not going to happen.

It must be really difficult for you, especially being in a village. I'm lucky because I have a sister who lives nearby. Her daughter also has ASD so she understands completely.

There's a great Aspergers Awareness group on facebook, which is really busy in the evenings. They discuss all sorts of issues, you might find that useful.

hi andrea, i get told the same thing, i cant, it turns into a negative thing i dont want that, i got told its not senory , hes testing and controlling his world, its not good though im isolated live in a village, 5 mths is a long time not to go out, its making me depressed, im so glad im not on my own, i spoken to lot of people who said they never had this problem, its so annoying weres the support, justine