15 year old always demanding

I have a 16 year old son with autism and ADHD. He has a need to feel in control so seems demanding and speaks to us often in a way he would speak to his peers. He does not understand that this is a problem. Part of this for your daughter may be also being a teenager and trying to cope with all the changes in her life.

Life may always be challenging. However the main thing that helps for my son is to come to conclusions himself so we try to hint at things he might decide for himself. Regarding chores little by little he does a few things and mostly by reducing the demand. We have learnt to live with celebrating the successes to cope with the rest.  

It can be frustrating when they can't see someone else's perspective, but it may be an inability rather than a choice. However I can see with maturity little things that have changed over the years.

In regard to support, there are parents of children with PDA who blog and there is also a PDA website. Also look for any ways that help you relax even for short periods. In my experience changing expectations and prioritising the most important things helps too. 

My Daughter went like that too. I went from loving her company to dreading it.

It seemed to taper off as she exitted her twenties.

She didn't do any harm during this phase, kept out of trouble and drugs etc, Just seemed incredibly self absorbed. 

FORTUNATELY, she's still my daughter, when it got too much to bear I put my feelings of disappointment into humourous complaint or banter, and just waited until she came back to me voluntarily. She leaned far more on my unmentionable ex, and her extended family in that direction, which to be frank was her best option. 

She is doing well, and in both her personal life and her professional life championing neurodiversity. She knows when to bully and when to be kind. I was afraid she'd trun into a monster but I had the preceding years of her life to take comfort form, AND she still waited until she was 18 to get her first tattoo out of respect for my very antipathic attitude. I didn't fill her head wth lies, I told her "how it is" to an extent that horrified the other parents. She didn't need to lie to me, a "Stuff you Dad, I'm doing this" stil didn't mean she'd actually stopped valuing my input, it just meant that if she really needed to not do that thing I needed to play my best cards right now...

Keep talking to her and see if she actually thinks of noting but her self, or if it's just that she isn't thinking much about YOU. IF she's thinking of nothing but herself, see how that's working out for her. In the case of my kid, I wouas alwasy there if stuff ddin't work out for her but she didnt; really need much between 12 and 22 except someone to pay the bills. By accepting this we did retain the right to be included in her life at the level of knowing where she was what she was doing, when she was coming back etc. And we would organise a search if she missed her given time of return, without checking in. It cut both ways.

Just keep the communication open and honest. worked for me. I feel I was "lucky".

I want to tread carefully here because there’s not much to go on. But also because what may seem like self-centered behaviour is synonymous with being in Survival Mode and a red flag of trauma from things like repeated rejection, even misinterpreted. It can be a lack of getting the proper instructions on how to mature in ways we understand. 

Talking back can be misperceived when it might be out of deep isolation from feeling unheard and falsely accused and falsely judged or projected at.

Sometimes children just need connexion. It’s their night to do dishes. But need a “body double”, or just to make a menial task into meaningful by doing it with them. 

With more information, such as examples of what’s happening, it can be easier to help. ADHDrs all experience severe RSD (rejection sensitivity dysphoria). Autism means there’s a loss in translation. Both have hyper sensory differences - life can be overwhelming. But the big difference is being Motivated differently. Rather than by domination, by hyper vigilance or a grounded physical environment. Rather than social status, by the imaginations possibilities. 

This is terrible advice. No offence, but you have no idea what is happening! Many of us grew up with unreasonable demands and abusive parents. This might not be the case, but in my experience. If children are protesting or “talking back” it can be they experience being wildly misunderstood, misheard, or projected at. Sometimes trapped even. 

It’s a parents job to seek to understand and lead by example. Help get their internal grounding sorted so they enjoy roles with in the family. Little children love helping- that should never get lost. 

To add: that “rod” of whatever is from the bible and is used for redirection and aiding lost sheep. You don’t beat sheep with it. I grew up walking on eggshells. I don’t speak with one parent anymore. Parenting should never be this hard. If it is you’re doing it wrong. 

NAS95038 said:

When you try and speak with her she just answers back.

Here is a thought experiment for you.

Parents are the ones who set boundaries and enforce them, much as the law sets down the rules and enforces it through the police force.

If someone breaks the rules, do the police let them answer back, throw their hands up and say "well I tried"?

In many ways you are the law in the house and need to both set the rules plus enforce them.

Consider what the penalties should be for rule breaking. Apply it to all who it covers and enforce it with a rod of iron. For example, you are assigned a chore each week of doing the dishes after dinner. Failure to do this means you lose TV privelages for a day. Two strikes in a week and you have your phone confiscated for 24 hours. Three strikes and it is a week of no phone etc.

You have to put up with the pleading, the whining, the crying and the lashing out to keep them in their place as without rules that are enforced, children tend to move to their more feral nature and the strong control the weak.

If you think about it, if you let this attitude prevail then when she moves into a job in future then she will think she can give the same attitude to her boss and it is unlikely to end well.

That would be my recommendation - allowances can be made for sickness or extenuating circumstances but these should be rarities.

I'm an older Gen X person so I grew up in an environment where this was enforced with physical punishments (several belt slaps over the hand, rapping over the knuckled with a piece of wood etc) and while I don't recommend it these days, the fear of punishment was effective in taking the rules seriously.

All you need to do is find a punishment that is seriously inconvenient but non damaging.

I am sorry I did not state yes she is Autistic and ADHD medicated. She just does not reason with you at all, and using things to her advantage. we do put boundaries in place but they do not work. When you try and speak with her she just answers back. Not sure how much more i can take 

NAS95038 said:

She is always demanding and telling me what she is doing and never thinks of anything or anyone else but her self. I think she has PDA,

This sounds quite typical teenager behaviour for someone with a controlling aspect to their personality.

It is quite natural for teenagers to push their boundaries to see how much they can get away with and unless you enforce sensible boundaries for things then she will push and push.

The lack of empathy is quite and autistic trait (you don't actually state she is autistic so I am assuming) but if you explain the boundaries and reasons for them then there is a good chance she will at least consider them. This logic based approach is quite useful for autists who have a strong sense of structure.

Being consistent in your discipline is important too - all parts of the family need to have the same enforcement and support so if you have a partner who caves in then this will undermine you. It would really help to get them working to the same lines as you.

Ditto for any siblings - consistenct is important.

If there are penalties for breaking the rules (eg loss of privelage) then consistently enforce it too.

That would be my approach.