My son has failed his second year of uni twice

Hi, I can relate to a lot of these. Especially 'feeling stuck'. I can get quite stuck in routines too- the routines do somewhat help give some stability and free up brain space by limiting the number of decisions that have to be taken but the issue is that I get stuck and when the routine is disrupted or might be disrupted I get even more anxious. 

I can really relate to the visitors coming over challenge too. I now luckily live on my own which is much better for me. I lived in a flat shares before though and spontaneous visitors was something I really struggled to cope with... and even worse when the visits involved cooking (again I'm very sensitive to smells). I don't really have a solution to this and I doubt I would ever feel fully comfortable with people coming over at non-specified times. The way I have 'dealt' with this is by making sure I live alone so that this does not become an issue. 

I can relate to many of the points you raise, but a lot of this probably isn't going to hugely change. It's more about accepting that some situations are stressful and getting the balance right in terms of letting yourself avoid some of them. There are some things though, that I personally want to work on over time- I have huge anxiety about travelling and changes to my routine - which means that essentially going anywhere is a big issue. I am embarking on a PhD though and I am a scientist which will involve travelling to go to conferences... and I love science talks and meeting other scientists... so this is something that I will just have to tackle, because there is no way that I can just avoid going to a conference. The time also has to be right to push yourself though. And a lot of the time it can also be helpful to just accept that you need more downtime and may want to avoid some social situations. None of this is fixed in stone. I was actually so surprised at myself last week- my supervisor asked me to come to pub with him and coworker spontaneously in evening- something I would never do - but somehow I ended up going and having a good time. It can take the right people to draw you out of your shell. I don't know how to better describe it. But I think it is all about striking that balance and also accepting that there are things that you might just want to avoid. 

I am really pleased that my question was received as intended.

To be honest, your response above merely reads like the description of someone WITH autism.....rather than STRUGGLING with autism.

From a "mindset" perspective, you might find yourself more settled and more likely to figure out means and protocols to support your son if you think of his behaves as innate.

I'm a late diagnosed individual in my 50's.  When I realised what I am at my core, I stopped "struggling" with myself and have started to find ways to accommodate and alleviate the things that I now realise cannot be "cured" about myself.  This is proving a revelation and has delivered tangible benefits to my sense of well being.  I have found a calmness.

I hope that you and your son can start finding a happier and calmer sense of self.

I offer you both my very best wishes.

Number.

Hi, I really appreciate your question. It helps me think.

He has said being out in the world feels harder and harder. He said he feels stuck. He really struggles to attend family events and often turns then down. We went to look at university accommodation for his final year at Uni. He then declined the offer even though he says he wants independence. When we have visitors, he leaves and goes upstairs. He gets very unsettled when people are coming over to the house, wants to know when they are coming, exactly what time. He is very conscious of smells - hes very sensitive to cooking smells in the house. He really struggles to repair relationships. He has been trying really hard to maintain himself at work.  WfH helps. he recently took time off because he's struggling. 

He has a formality in his communication. and talks quickly. I could go on and on.

Hello.

Please forgive me if this sounds abrupt or rude - I sincerely do not mean it that way.....

What makes you think that your son is struggling?  He has a job and is venturing out daily.  Having no friends is not necessarily a sign of struggling and nor is having a lifestyle that doesn't conform to social "norms."

Are there specific things that your son has been telling you that he is struggling with......or are you making assumptions?

Again, rest assured that I raise this as enquiry - not accusation or implied criticism.

Number.

Hi, I am a parent of a lovely son who is undiagnosed autistic. He has been struggling so much since he went to university. He dropped out and worked for a year, went back to a different degree and then back to his original degree.  He's out in industry at the moment, still living at home and mostly working from home. He has no friends. His daily routine outside the house is to go to Sainsburys. He is ashamed of autism. He was assessed at age 11 and they said he wasnt autistic. I dont know how to get him the help he needs now. i help him with each individual hurdle, but i see we arnt getting to the core issue. how can i gently help him to seek a diagnosis?

Wow :) Some of my lectures were shared with neurophysiologists. Brains are such amazing things my friend’s husband is doing a lot of work and research on memory storage it’s absolutely fascinating

Oh wow ! That's so cool!! I'm a neuroscientist :) 

You’re so right. Thanks for being a ray of light!

Thanks, Ann. I try to tell myself this but am struggling to remain positive at the moment. Of course, you are right and I tell my children this. I just need to follow my own advice!

Congratulations and good luck Ann and thank you, I hope you managed to get settled in abroad

My first degree was sports therapy health and fitness which is now split into a few separate degrees as the faculty got bigger and more established. I was very interested in some areas but not at all in others. Now I work in a cardiology department so specialised as a whole and then there are sub specialities to focus on as well

That’s fantastic, Guybrush, and certainly gives me hope. My son is intelligent, funny but struggles with some socialisation and the anxiety thing is obviously a big problem. He certainly needs to find something he is interested in to maintain his levels of concentration. Can I ask what line of work you are in?

Hi Ann. What a lovely account of succeeding against adversity. I am so pleased you have found support at your uni and I wish you every success. Maybe there is s possibility of him retaking a third time. It just seems a large mountain and it may just prove too much. I am waiting for the uni to call back so will see what they say. 

Thanks, Daniel, for your encouraging words. He knows he is loved and yes, I am always his advocate. I don’t know if he could face two more years at Uni having spent three years trying to get through year 2! It’s just very difficult when as a parent you can’t get to talk to anyone directly about a student due to confidentiality etc. I am glad you came away with your BA and hope you are doing well. 

And there are so many opportunities and options. when things don't work out it might feel like you are out of options, but in my experience, there is always another way. Especially if you have a goal/aim in mind, it's often more a matter of when/how it will happen and not if. 

Hi- no you are not back to square one at all! I used to think this way when things didn't go according to plan, but you learn from everything and especially when things don't quite work out- you always learn something... and ultimately that will help in the long term. It is of course a huge blow to confidence but you do learn. From one of my experiences I think what I learnt really was 'how not to do things' which in itself was useful too. 

Hi! Congrats on the degrees and the doctorate! I agree 100% with what you are saying, support and the environment really is key! Of course there are things we can work on in terms of how we handle things but to maximise chance of success it's so important that any external factors we can control are optimised (eg. living situation, environment at uni, support, how the material is delivered, etc etc.). Good luck with the doctorate- I am also starting very soon though I'm somewhat terrified as I am spending the first months abroad with very little support which for me is not ideal at all... but after that I think I couldn't be in a more supportive university or environment (it is the same uni where I did my other degrees so I know it very well and feel at home there). 

Thank you, Juniper. We have a good relationship and have talked about honesty and asking for help before. He has been able to be honest about how he is feeling now I believe and we have had some  good conversations. I just feel so sad he is a bright boy who could have done well and now it feels like we are back to square one. 

I flunked my first degree, first year was fine but a couple of the 2nd and 3rd year modules were a real problem for me (especially the one where I had to organise and run a health promotion event by myself and write up a full report, obviously everyone else helped their friends out but I didn’t really have any). I passed the 2nd year 2nd time and never passed the 3rd year so I came away with a diploma not a degree. I was undiagnosed (still am tbh) and being 20years ago it didn’t occur to anyone that I may need some sort of assessment or extra help from the uni disability team or whatever they’re called. University is very much self directed in comparison to school. They’re not hovering over your shoulder all the time and although you are expected to reach a certain attendance level in lectures it’s much lower than school. Most of my assignments were done the day or night before which obviously meant the quality was quite poor (actually started the day before, not worked on for a period of time and only completed at the last minute) then there’s the whole being chucked out into the world at the end without a clear purpose. In comparison I got first class honours for my second degree, I was supported by my employer to do it, all the modules were interesting and relevant to the end goal which was a promotion at work. I had study sessions on the rota at work so I used that time to work on assignments, at home there could always be something else to do instead but in a structured time at workI could just focus on the uni work. I’m now working towards starting a doctorate through my employer, support is the key I think, as well as the interest in the subject to stay motivated

Hi, I'm so sorry to hear this. I would encourage him to talk to the university about it and see whether they might be able to put in some more support. Would he like to give the second year another go? Or sometimes, they also let you move on despite failing (depends on uni). Some universities have a lot of experience with autistic students. I was only recently diagnosed and I am actually starting as a PhD student now and I have told the university that I am autistic- they have been brilliant, I am going to get mentoring on a weekly basis, they have drawn up a support document which explains about autism and my specific needs and I have a disability advisor who can organise more support if necessary. I had hesitated about disclosing and never expected there to be this much support available. I am not sure if this is the norm at university or if I am particularly lucky with my current university, but I would definitely encourage you to talk to the university. They should do their best to help him be successful at uni, which he clearly has the potential for given that the first year went very well. It can be very hard to ask for help when struggling or burnt-out. I can relate to that, I also find it hard to share with people when I am really struggling. You could also talk to the university about the possibility of him intermitting, if he wants to continue but feels that he would benefit from some time away to recover . I would start of by contacting the university and ideally their disabilities team- they are probably the best people to help. In addition most universities have a student advice line run by the union which can offer confidential support and advice, that might be another good place to look for some more information. 

I really hope you find a way forward. This is a setback but it's not insurmountable, whatever happens, if he wants to continue his studies or not or pause and decide later, you will get through this and learn from it. Some people seem to sail through life on a straight route, but often there just seem to be a lot of hurdles. In terms of studying I took 1.5 years off during my Bachelor, I then returned and finished it, then did an MPhil and I really wanted to do a PhD, but lots of things went wrong (exploitation, bad environment, burnout etc), with me starting in one place, having to leave after a year, working for 6 months, but now finally I will be starting a PhD. Many of my friends who started university with me have now completed their PhDs, which sometimes makes me feel bad about myself- but we just have to take it at our pace and there are so many external factors too that play a role and that we have no control over.