Published on 12, July, 2020
My 23 year old son has just confessed that he has failed his second year of Uni for the second time. He managed the first year fine. The first time he tried the second year, he couldn’t handle the lack of routine during Covid and the second time he took the second year ie last year, he felt anxiety and suffered panic attacks about the invasion of Ukraine. He has spent what I thought was his third year of uni in halls paid for out of his savings leading us to believe he was managing and completing his third year. He is unable to say what support the uni offered as he stuck his head in the sand. I am waiting to hear back from the uni to see if they can reimburse any money for the next term’s housing costs and also to try to work out what went wrong. I feel shocked and hugely anxious even tho I knew something was wrong. He has lied three times about educational progress - the first time about a history a level he was studying for, the second time about not completing his covid year and now this last year. He obviously cannot handle failure and cannot ask for or accept help. Anybody experienced anything similar? Thanks.
Hi, I'm so sorry to hear this. I would encourage him to talk to the university about it and see whether they might be able to put in some more support. Would he like to give the second year another go? Or sometimes, they also let you move on despite failing (depends on uni). Some universities have a lot of experience with autistic students. I was only recently diagnosed and I am actually starting as a PhD student now and I have told the university that I am autistic- they have been brilliant, I am going to get mentoring on a weekly basis, they have drawn up a support document which explains about autism and my specific needs and I have a disability advisor who can organise more support if necessary. I had hesitated about disclosing and never expected there to be this much support available. I am not sure if this is the norm at university or if I am particularly lucky with my current university, but I would definitely encourage you to talk to the university. They should do their best to help him be successful at uni, which he clearly has the potential for given that the first year went very well. It can be very hard to ask for help when struggling or burnt-out. I can relate to that, I also find it hard to share with people when I am really struggling. You could also talk to the university about the possibility of him intermitting, if he wants to continue but feels that he would benefit from some time away to recover . I would start of by contacting the university and ideally their disabilities team- they are probably the best people to help. In addition most universities have a student advice line run by the union which can offer confidential support and advice, that might be another good place to look for some more information.
I really hope you find a way forward. This is a setback but it's not insurmountable, whatever happens, if he wants to continue his studies or not or pause and decide later, you will get through this and learn from it. Some people seem to sail through life on a straight route, but often there just seem to be a lot of hurdles. In terms of studying I took 1.5 years off during my Bachelor, I then returned and finished it, then did an MPhil and I really wanted to do a PhD, but lots of things went wrong (exploitation, bad environment, burnout etc), with me starting in one place, having to leave after a year, working for 6 months, but now finally I will be starting a PhD. Many of my friends who started university with me have now completed their PhDs, which sometimes makes me feel bad about myself- but we just have to take it at our pace and there are so many external factors too that play a role and that we have no control over.
Hi Ann. What a lovely account of succeeding against adversity. I am so pleased you have found support at your uni and I wish you every success. Maybe there is s possibility of him retaking a third time. It just seems a large mountain and it may just prove too much. I am waiting for the uni to call back so will see what they say.