Published on 12, July, 2020
My 23 year old son has just confessed that he has failed his second year of Uni for the second time. He managed the first year fine. The first time he tried the second year, he couldn’t handle the lack of routine during Covid and the second time he took the second year ie last year, he felt anxiety and suffered panic attacks about the invasion of Ukraine. He has spent what I thought was his third year of uni in halls paid for out of his savings leading us to believe he was managing and completing his third year. He is unable to say what support the uni offered as he stuck his head in the sand. I am waiting to hear back from the uni to see if they can reimburse any money for the next term’s housing costs and also to try to work out what went wrong. I feel shocked and hugely anxious even tho I knew something was wrong. He has lied three times about educational progress - the first time about a history a level he was studying for, the second time about not completing his covid year and now this last year. He obviously cannot handle failure and cannot ask for or accept help. Anybody experienced anything similar? Thanks.
I went through a very similar experience. I was undiagnosed at the time so there was no form of support. But I did exactly the same thing. I masked and pretended everything was fine despite the fact that I had all but given up. I was in my fourth year of an integrated masters, so was fortunate enough to be able to leave with my bachelor degree.
Looking back, I now know I was suffering from autistic burn out. University and everything that comes with it, without proper support in place, it’s a really hard environment. I couldn’t deal with the idea of my own failure to admit it to anyone, so I hid it from everyone.
I find asking for help, asking for what I need or want, really difficult, and it sounds like he has a similar issue. I am very much for encouraging autistic people to be able to self-advocate to any extent, but learning to be able to do that is really hard and takes a long time and a lot of work, and for something this big may just not be possible for a lot of us. I think you need to be his advocate here. Get the university to listen, get him the help he needs, as he won’t do it for himself.
And most of all, tell him, it’s ok, tell him you forgive him, and you love him regardless, reassure him, as he probably really needs that too.
Thanks, Daniel, for your encouraging words. He knows he is loved and yes, I am always his advocate. I don’t know if he could face two more years at Uni having spent three years trying to get through year 2! It’s just very difficult when as a parent you can’t get to talk to anyone directly about a student due to confidentiality etc. I am glad you came away with your BA and hope you are doing well.