Published on 12, July, 2020
My 23 year old son has just confessed that he has failed his second year of Uni for the second time. He managed the first year fine. The first time he tried the second year, he couldn’t handle the lack of routine during Covid and the second time he took the second year ie last year, he felt anxiety and suffered panic attacks about the invasion of Ukraine. He has spent what I thought was his third year of uni in halls paid for out of his savings leading us to believe he was managing and completing his third year. He is unable to say what support the uni offered as he stuck his head in the sand. I am waiting to hear back from the uni to see if they can reimburse any money for the next term’s housing costs and also to try to work out what went wrong. I feel shocked and hugely anxious even tho I knew something was wrong. He has lied three times about educational progress - the first time about a history a level he was studying for, the second time about not completing his covid year and now this last year. He obviously cannot handle failure and cannot ask for or accept help. Anybody experienced anything similar? Thanks.
Hi, I am a parent of a lovely son who is undiagnosed autistic. He has been struggling so much since he went to university. He dropped out and worked for a year, went back to a different degree and then back to his original degree. He's out in industry at the moment, still living at home and mostly working from home. He has no friends. His daily routine outside the house is to go to Sainsburys. He is ashamed of autism. He was assessed at age 11 and they said he wasnt autistic. I dont know how to get him the help he needs now. i help him with each individual hurdle, but i see we arnt getting to the core issue. how can i gently help him to seek a diagnosis?
Hello.
Please forgive me if this sounds abrupt or rude - I sincerely do not mean it that way.....
What makes you think that your son is struggling? He has a job and is venturing out daily. Having no friends is not necessarily a sign of struggling and nor is having a lifestyle that doesn't conform to social "norms."
Are there specific things that your son has been telling you that he is struggling with......or are you making assumptions?
Again, rest assured that I raise this as enquiry - not accusation or implied criticism.
Number.
Hi, I can relate to a lot of these. Especially 'feeling stuck'. I can get quite stuck in routines too- the routines do somewhat help give some stability and free up brain space by limiting the number of decisions that have to be taken but the issue is that I get stuck and when the routine is disrupted or might be disrupted I get even more anxious.
I can really relate to the visitors coming over challenge too. I now luckily live on my own which is much better for me. I lived in a flat shares before though and spontaneous visitors was something I really struggled to cope with... and even worse when the visits involved cooking (again I'm very sensitive to smells). I don't really have a solution to this and I doubt I would ever feel fully comfortable with people coming over at non-specified times. The way I have 'dealt' with this is by making sure I live alone so that this does not become an issue.
I can relate to many of the points you raise, but a lot of this probably isn't going to hugely change. It's more about accepting that some situations are stressful and getting the balance right in terms of letting yourself avoid some of them. There are some things though, that I personally want to work on over time- I have huge anxiety about travelling and changes to my routine - which means that essentially going anywhere is a big issue. I am embarking on a PhD though and I am a scientist which will involve travelling to go to conferences... and I love science talks and meeting other scientists... so this is something that I will just have to tackle, because there is no way that I can just avoid going to a conference. The time also has to be right to push yourself though. And a lot of the time it can also be helpful to just accept that you need more downtime and may want to avoid some social situations. None of this is fixed in stone. I was actually so surprised at myself last week- my supervisor asked me to come to pub with him and coworker spontaneously in evening- something I would never do - but somehow I ended up going and having a good time. It can take the right people to draw you out of your shell. I don't know how to better describe it. But I think it is all about striking that balance and also accepting that there are things that you might just want to avoid.
I am really pleased that my question was received as intended.
To be honest, your response above merely reads like the description of someone WITH autism.....rather than STRUGGLING with autism.
From a "mindset" perspective, you might find yourself more settled and more likely to figure out means and protocols to support your son if you think of his behaves as innate.
I'm a late diagnosed individual in my 50's. When I realised what I am at my core, I stopped "struggling" with myself and have started to find ways to accommodate and alleviate the things that I now realise cannot be "cured" about myself. This is proving a revelation and has delivered tangible benefits to my sense of well being. I have found a calmness.
I hope that you and your son can start finding a happier and calmer sense of self.
I offer you both my very best wishes.
Hi, I really appreciate your question. It helps me think.
He has said being out in the world feels harder and harder. He said he feels stuck. He really struggles to attend family events and often turns then down. We went to look at university accommodation for his final year at Uni. He then declined the offer even though he says he wants independence. When we have visitors, he leaves and goes upstairs. He gets very unsettled when people are coming over to the house, wants to know when they are coming, exactly what time. He is very conscious of smells - hes very sensitive to cooking smells in the house. He really struggles to repair relationships. He has been trying really hard to maintain himself at work. WfH helps. he recently took time off because he's struggling.
He has a formality in his communication. and talks quickly. I could go on and on.