Married Life

Awe! Congratulations! That’s a good month to get married! I used to dream of planning my wedding but when it actually happened I was so stressed! I honestly didn’t care about a lot of details that had to be planned and my husband did not help at all. He picked what he was going to wear and that’s it. It meant we didn’t argue much except for when I’d get overwhelmed and complain he wasn’t helping and then he’d go into a melt down and I had to comfort him. I’m not complaining it was just difficult and hard on me.

Oh wow, that's so cute! I really wanted to do that something I'm sure I would have the exact same result except he wouldn't have noticed the writing on the inside of the box. lol

thats crazy! we're getting married April 18th! and had our engagement party 4/20! this year! I didn't really know until this year. His sister is a special education teacher and has been saying sometime sly things sometimes messed up things for a while before just bluntly telling me before their family reunion. which I didn't appreciate but was actually really helpful.

I always love talking to newlyweds. How was wedding planning for y'all?  we are struggling a bit and finding ourself getting into small arguments about decisions, (I'm a little more of a free spirit then him) plus he's colorblind which makes things extra fun lol.

I was just talking about how we first got together and I was really cheesy and wrote "Will you be my boyfriend?" on the inside of a pizza box. Brought it to his house and dropped like 5 hints for him to open it because I was hungry. Yeah no he was to busy looking for a movie so I had to tell him straight up to open the pizza box and serve us dinner. lol I had no idea at the time he was ASD but now looking back I get it. April 20th 2020 will be our one year!

S63951, I get it! I understand! I am going through the same thing. There is a lot of advice and different angles on here and I don't have the answer but I do have support. I know that's what I need and why I came on here. As long as you are communicating with him I don't know what else to tell you. Maybe if he heard it from a professional? 

1. I think you mean 'kudos' not 'cootoes'

2. I don't think you understand ASD at all

3. This is a forum primarily populated by people who are autistic - so you know that 'no empathy' problem you have with your fiance? Yeah, expect that in spades here, 'cos we're pretty much all like that...

4. Please don't apply YOUR emotional interpretation to MY objective responses based on the information YOU provided

I'm out.

YAS OMGOSH exactly!!!!! 

I'm honestly a really vocal person. probably a little too much sometimes, so before I figured this out. I'd say "It's been so long why don't you know this about me already?!"  assuming he'd store it in his head somewhere, yea that never happened. 

But you 100% right I should either lower my expectations and enjoy the moments he gets it right! 
When's your 1 year anniversary?

I think you're missing my point and further more YOU DONT KNOW ME. please stop making assumptions about me based on these 2 very short exerts of my life.  I'm VERY vocal about my expectations, wants and needs. My fiancé KNOWS all of this, but the truth is SOMETHINGS HE CAN'T DO and yes that is ok, knowing that he just wired differently helps me accept that, but its also very hard sit in silence with no response  AFTER saying ALL that you can say and the person is giving NOTHING back. ITS FRUSTRATING as F***K. 

You are literally on the other end of this situation so you have no idea what its like to be with someone like you. cootoes to your wife, she's maybe she's figured it all out. would love to hear from her, but could really do WITHOUT your judgmental words they aren't helpful!

It's not that he's "incapable of change" it's that there is (should be) no reason for him to do so.

If he was diabetic would you force him to eat high-sugar foods? No

If he was a photo-sensitive epileptic would you make him look at flashing lights? No

"He has no idea what to do sometimes" - you know what you want him to do, so TELL HIM!

People (NTs mostly) often talk about 'meeting half way', well...

I wish my wife would come on this forum and share her experiences of having to understand me through my recent diagnosis (at age 47)...

If you look up the diagnostic criteria for autism you will see his behaviour isn't due to his neurotype and he's just a general ***. As you've identified his immaturity is probably down to his childhood. 

You state you have no intimacy, he doesn't respect your needs, other people can see that his behaviour towards you is inappropriate. If you had a friend who was being treated like this by their partner what would you say to them?

I think you need to think about why you stay with him when he treats you so badly and why do you not look after you own needs e.g staying in when you're unwell. It comes across as though you have don't value your own worth.

I had a few issues with how my husband (who's a NT) treated me when we first met and it was clear this was due to taught behaviour from his step-father. I explained my concerns and how the relationship wouldn't work out as it was. My OH knew his behaviour was inappropriate and he wanted to change so we could be together. He agreed to attend couples counselling and he no longer behaves in a way that hurts me. We're now very happy together. I'm telling you that as if someone really loves you and they know that they have certain personality traits which aren't healthy and hurt you, they'll do everything they can to change to ensure you're both happy. 

Have you tried writing all this down and presenting with the facts - you have every right to a fulfilling life and if your needs are not being met, you need to find out why - and what's going on in his head.     Is he just hanging around with you because doing anything else is too much bother?   Does he understand that you consider the balance to be unfair?     Does he just not ever think about how relationships evolve?   If he's getting what he wants/needs, why would he change?

His mum STILL does a lot for him.

It was recently my birthday, and she bought me flowers, and a gift card inside a card, which is lovely, but I've noticed she is the one who will buy his niece's and nephew presents and then slap his name on the card! He thinks it's funny?! I find it bizarre!

I didn't get any love from him on the day at all. He slept in til midday, made himself a coffee, and ignored me until I decided I was going to enjoy the day myself.

His Nanna even went as far as buying him a $10k car, because he was driving around in a beaten up lemon his BIL gave to him a few years beforehand.

I'm pretty sure he's never lived alone, the closest would've been in a share house, but, yeah, every other place has been an ex-gf place.

I've been really I'll for the past week and he said he'd be happy to do the dishes and make dinner for us. He sat on his PC the whole time he wasn't at work, and the dishes sat for 3 days! I couldn't look at them anymore, so I did them, which caused a Barney because he had pretty much promised to do them.

Dinner was planned with his family this past weekend, and I suggested I stay home, as I was still very sick and he basically told me I have to go. (probably because it was planned and cannot be undone in his mind) while we were there he ignored me the whole time, body language included, didn't offer me a drink, but bought himself a beer.

His dad asked where my drink and he just shrugged his shoulders, like who cares. His mum is super nice and had obviously had him telling her what had happened, so over the table was telling him that he needs to help me out more around the house etc... IN FRONT OF HIS WHOLE FAMILY! LIKE HE WAS A 3 YEAR OLD BEING TOLD OFF AND PUT INTO THE CORNER!

I know I sound crazy, but I feel this has turned us into a roomie situation. We haven't cuddled, or hung out with one another for weeks. He's always on his computer playing online. We sleep next to each other, but not really with each other and when we do speak, it is about random stuff (usually him showing me the album of memes he'd found during his workday) there's no passion or care anymore, and I don't know what to do about it.

https://m.facebook.com/groups/2369807666408016/?ref=group_browse

here is a Facebook group for spouse of someone on the spectrum 

Very well said!

I am sorry you are going through a hard time. I’ve often felt like I was my husband’s caregiver as well. The best think that has helped us having a calendar with a clear schedule and chore list. If he knows what is his and what days he has to do it that might help. I grow up in a family where we all just did stuff but I’ve been learning that it needs to be clearly said out loud who does what. If it’s written down it helps my husband plan better. Think of things that would make you feel loved. You should then tell him those things so he knows how better to show you his feelings. Communication is truly the biggest key. It’s hard I know but it helps. Don’t leave him. You can make it work <3 you’ve got support on here!

I 100% get where you are coming from. I am in the same shoes as you. We just got married this past April. Congratulations! It’s been challenging but being married has been 10 times better then the challenge. I still struggle with this but the biggest thing I realized is he never responds with what I want to hear. I’m always looking for comfort and reassurance and he doesn’t give it to me when I’m looking for it. The best thing is to either have no expectations and realize he does care and want to help you but doesn’t know how to show you and the other is to allow yourself to get full when he does show his love and appreciation. It just may be in his own ways. I am also realizing he can’t read my mind lol and he need me to very clearly tell him what I need. It sucks because as woman we want our man to just know our needs but it doesn’t work like that lol I’d love to talk more. It’s hard to find support for wives.

Thank you for replying. know having better understanding about that this is his brain and less some character trait that will lesson over time, So I know he is incapable of change and I  now don't expect it of him. I'll try your of actively thinking about how he would feel in certain circumstances. 

This whole thing is just so mind boggling for me. 

Plastic makes a good point here about upbringing. I had to have the same conversation with my OH, and in our case it's me who's the aspie and him who is NT (though I wonder sometimes whether on the edge of NT!!). 

He admitted that when living with parents, the only chore he had to do was his own laundry. Well, and cleaning his room, but he freely admitted that he only did that when navigation from door to bed became impossible. 

NT or ND, you need to have the conversation though. You are not his mother, and carrying on taking on those responsibilities will likely leave you angry and resentful, and eventually leaving the relationship (yes, I have been there, twice)

Do you know what his home life was like?   Did his mother do everything for him?    Has he ever lived on his own?    You may need to sit down with him with a written list of what is not working for you and calmly ask him to take on a more responsible role - or you will end up as his mother.

It all needs to be rational and without emotion - like a snag-list when buying a house - so he can get the clear measure of what's being asked of him.  

If he can't get his head around the needs to balance the relationship then you may have a problem.

The thing you need to consider is when you make demands of him - if he's just got home and his brain is fried, he won't be in the zone - you'll just end up in a fight.   The best time for rational discussions is when he's at his lowest stress state - like if he's into aeroplanes, take him to a museum, indulge his interest and then have a chat over a nice lunch - it's when he''ll be most receptive to new ideas.

As for the intimacy, there's lots you can do there - it will take clear communication and open honesty - blokes are simple mechanisms - it's all about focussing the mind on the job in hand, so to speak. 

Hi. I'm sorry you having such a difficult time at the moment. I have been married to my DH for over 7 years. I didn't realise he was autistic until January this year and I too am finding life very difficult. He is 62 now and will not accept that he is autistic although to me -now, it is glaringly obvious. My husband is kind and generous and doesn't have a problem with intimacy at all. He does have many other foibles though and I feel terribly depressed now that I realise he won't ever change. I don't think your partner will ever change and I feel that you will always be the adult in the relationship. I often feel I am the parent in this relationship and it certainly isn't a level playing field emotionally. My advice would be to leave the relationship now - only my opinion though based on my own experience though.

I'm on the other side of the coin and am a ND women married to a NT man. As a NT he causes me significant amounts of frustration due to his neurological need for social acceptance and belonging. As someone whose neurotype finds social interactions draining and favours honest and open conversations, as well as a routine, I find this part of his neurology incredibly frustrating at times. 

I'm conscious that it would be wrong of me to ask my husband to act in a way that went against his neurological make-up, plus when people have done this to others in the past it's seriously affected their self-esteem and MH. This is clear from the post of many autistic individuals who's family and partners have tried to change them leading to have an identity crisis, feelings of worthlessness and how it stopped them from having any self-confidence in their own thoughts and beliefs. I'd hate to make my husband feel like this, as such, to cope with his NT traits that clash with my ND needs I focus on what would happen if I tried to stop my husband behaving in this way. For example, I believe he would feel isolated and lonely, leading him to become depressed. Not only would this cause him pain, but it would also negatively impact our relationship as its likely he'd become negative in his outlook and may want withdraw from society. 

It may help you to do the same and think about how you'd feel if your partner tried to change the parts of your personality that were fundamental to your neurological make-up? It certainly helps me to feel less frustrated and disappointed. Another thing that helps is to think about fairness and remind yourself of all of the sacrifices your OH makes for you. For example, I have to attend the occasional large social gathering for my husband. This causes me significant anxiety and leaves me feeling exhausted for days. On the other hand, I have sensitivities to taste and texture, which significantly affects the variety of food I can eat. As such, he makes sacrifices in regards to where we eat on holidays or evenings out.