Married Life

I am the SO of an ASD man. We're both in our 30s, and have been living together for almost 2 yrs.

I am at my wit's end, and don't know what to do tbh.

Every day is the same, and it seems as though change will never happen. I feel like our relationship is over, but he insists it's not.

We don't have any intimacy, and when we try, it fails.

I feel like I am just a convenience for him. Doing all the house chores and still working a full-time job.

Am I over thinking everything? Will he ever just do what needs to be done? Will I always have to be the "adult" in this relationship?

Help me

Do you know what his home life was like?   Did his mother do everything for him?    Has he ever lived on his own?    You may need to sit down with him with a written list of what is not working for you and calmly ask him to take on a more responsible role - or you will end up as his mother.

It all needs to be rational and without emotion - like a snag-list when buying a house - so he can get the clear measure of what's being asked of him.  

If he can't get his head around the needs to balance the relationship then you may have a problem.

The thing you need to consider is when you make demands of him - if he's just got home and his brain is fried, he won't be in the zone - you'll just end up in a fight.   The best time for rational discussions is when he's at his lowest stress state - like if he's into aeroplanes, take him to a museum, indulge his interest and then have a chat over a nice lunch - it's when he''ll be most receptive to new ideas.

As for the intimacy, there's lots you can do there - it will take clear communication and open honesty - blokes are simple mechanisms - it's all about focussing the mind on the job in hand, so to speak. 

Do you know what his home life was like?   Did his mother do everything for him?    Has he ever lived on his own?    You may need to sit down with him with a written list of what is not working for you and calmly ask him to take on a more responsible role - or you will end up as his mother.

It all needs to be rational and without emotion - like a snag-list when buying a house - so he can get the clear measure of what's being asked of him.  

If he can't get his head around the needs to balance the relationship then you may have a problem.

The thing you need to consider is when you make demands of him - if he's just got home and his brain is fried, he won't be in the zone - you'll just end up in a fight.   The best time for rational discussions is when he's at his lowest stress state - like if he's into aeroplanes, take him to a museum, indulge his interest and then have a chat over a nice lunch - it's when he''ll be most receptive to new ideas.

As for the intimacy, there's lots you can do there - it will take clear communication and open honesty - blokes are simple mechanisms - it's all about focussing the mind on the job in hand, so to speak. 

If you look up the diagnostic criteria for autism you will see his behaviour isn't due to his neurotype and he's just a general ***. As you've identified his immaturity is probably down to his childhood. 

You state you have no intimacy, he doesn't respect your needs, other people can see that his behaviour towards you is inappropriate. If you had a friend who was being treated like this by their partner what would you say to them?

I think you need to think about why you stay with him when he treats you so badly and why do you not look after you own needs e.g staying in when you're unwell. It comes across as though you have don't value your own worth.

I had a few issues with how my husband (who's a NT) treated me when we first met and it was clear this was due to taught behaviour from his step-father. I explained my concerns and how the relationship wouldn't work out as it was. My OH knew his behaviour was inappropriate and he wanted to change so we could be together. He agreed to attend couples counselling and he no longer behaves in a way that hurts me. We're now very happy together. I'm telling you that as if someone really loves you and they know that they have certain personality traits which aren't healthy and hurt you, they'll do everything they can to change to ensure you're both happy. 

Have you tried writing all this down and presenting with the facts - you have every right to a fulfilling life and if your needs are not being met, you need to find out why - and what's going on in his head.     Is he just hanging around with you because doing anything else is too much bother?   Does he understand that you consider the balance to be unfair?     Does he just not ever think about how relationships evolve?   If he's getting what he wants/needs, why would he change?

His mum STILL does a lot for him.

It was recently my birthday, and she bought me flowers, and a gift card inside a card, which is lovely, but I've noticed she is the one who will buy his niece's and nephew presents and then slap his name on the card! He thinks it's funny?! I find it bizarre!

I didn't get any love from him on the day at all. He slept in til midday, made himself a coffee, and ignored me until I decided I was going to enjoy the day myself.

His Nanna even went as far as buying him a $10k car, because he was driving around in a beaten up lemon his BIL gave to him a few years beforehand.

I'm pretty sure he's never lived alone, the closest would've been in a share house, but, yeah, every other place has been an ex-gf place.

I've been really I'll for the past week and he said he'd be happy to do the dishes and make dinner for us. He sat on his PC the whole time he wasn't at work, and the dishes sat for 3 days! I couldn't look at them anymore, so I did them, which caused a Barney because he had pretty much promised to do them.

Dinner was planned with his family this past weekend, and I suggested I stay home, as I was still very sick and he basically told me I have to go. (probably because it was planned and cannot be undone in his mind) while we were there he ignored me the whole time, body language included, didn't offer me a drink, but bought himself a beer.

His dad asked where my drink and he just shrugged his shoulders, like who cares. His mum is super nice and had obviously had him telling her what had happened, so over the table was telling him that he needs to help me out more around the house etc... IN FRONT OF HIS WHOLE FAMILY! LIKE HE WAS A 3 YEAR OLD BEING TOLD OFF AND PUT INTO THE CORNER!

I know I sound crazy, but I feel this has turned us into a roomie situation. We haven't cuddled, or hung out with one another for weeks. He's always on his computer playing online. We sleep next to each other, but not really with each other and when we do speak, it is about random stuff (usually him showing me the album of memes he'd found during his workday) there's no passion or care anymore, and I don't know what to do about it.

Very well said!

Plastic makes a good point here about upbringing. I had to have the same conversation with my OH, and in our case it's me who's the aspie and him who is NT (though I wonder sometimes whether on the edge of NT!!). 

He admitted that when living with parents, the only chore he had to do was his own laundry. Well, and cleaning his room, but he freely admitted that he only did that when navigation from door to bed became impossible. 

NT or ND, you need to have the conversation though. You are not his mother, and carrying on taking on those responsibilities will likely leave you angry and resentful, and eventually leaving the relationship (yes, I have been there, twice)