Married Life

Hi, I'm engaged to someone on the spectrum. Not diagnosed, but shows MANY signs. we've been together for 6 years wedding planned for April. While things can be amazing there are some serious challenges and I can't deny I'M  STRUGGLING! My fiancé is smart, kind and loving man, I'm lucky in so many ways but he has a terrible time with empathy he truly has no idea what to do sometimes. your husbands may not exhibit this behavior but if so how do you cope? 

I'm on the other side of the coin and am a ND women married to a NT man. As a NT he causes me significant amounts of frustration due to his neurological need for social acceptance and belonging. As someone whose neurotype finds social interactions draining and favours honest and open conversations, as well as a routine, I find this part of his neurology incredibly frustrating at times. 

I'm conscious that it would be wrong of me to ask my husband to act in a way that went against his neurological make-up, plus when people have done this to others in the past it's seriously affected their self-esteem and MH. This is clear from the post of many autistic individuals who's family and partners have tried to change them leading to have an identity crisis, feelings of worthlessness and how it stopped them from having any self-confidence in their own thoughts and beliefs. I'd hate to make my husband feel like this, as such, to cope with his NT traits that clash with my ND needs I focus on what would happen if I tried to stop my husband behaving in this way. For example, I believe he would feel isolated and lonely, leading him to become depressed. Not only would this cause him pain, but it would also negatively impact our relationship as its likely he'd become negative in his outlook and may want withdraw from society. 

It may help you to do the same and think about how you'd feel if your partner tried to change the parts of your personality that were fundamental to your neurological make-up? It certainly helps me to feel less frustrated and disappointed. Another thing that helps is to think about fairness and remind yourself of all of the sacrifices your OH makes for you. For example, I have to attend the occasional large social gathering for my husband. This causes me significant anxiety and leaves me feeling exhausted for days. On the other hand, I have sensitivities to taste and texture, which significantly affects the variety of food I can eat. As such, he makes sacrifices in regards to where we eat on holidays or evenings out.

I'm on the other side of the coin and am a ND women married to a NT man. As a NT he causes me significant amounts of frustration due to his neurological need for social acceptance and belonging. As someone whose neurotype finds social interactions draining and favours honest and open conversations, as well as a routine, I find this part of his neurology incredibly frustrating at times. 

I'm conscious that it would be wrong of me to ask my husband to act in a way that went against his neurological make-up, plus when people have done this to others in the past it's seriously affected their self-esteem and MH. This is clear from the post of many autistic individuals who's family and partners have tried to change them leading to have an identity crisis, feelings of worthlessness and how it stopped them from having any self-confidence in their own thoughts and beliefs. I'd hate to make my husband feel like this, as such, to cope with his NT traits that clash with my ND needs I focus on what would happen if I tried to stop my husband behaving in this way. For example, I believe he would feel isolated and lonely, leading him to become depressed. Not only would this cause him pain, but it would also negatively impact our relationship as its likely he'd become negative in his outlook and may want withdraw from society. 

It may help you to do the same and think about how you'd feel if your partner tried to change the parts of your personality that were fundamental to your neurological make-up? It certainly helps me to feel less frustrated and disappointed. Another thing that helps is to think about fairness and remind yourself of all of the sacrifices your OH makes for you. For example, I have to attend the occasional large social gathering for my husband. This causes me significant anxiety and leaves me feeling exhausted for days. On the other hand, I have sensitivities to taste and texture, which significantly affects the variety of food I can eat. As such, he makes sacrifices in regards to where we eat on holidays or evenings out.

S63951, I get it! I understand! I am going through the same thing. There is a lot of advice and different angles on here and I don't have the answer but I do have support. I know that's what I need and why I came on here. As long as you are communicating with him I don't know what else to tell you. Maybe if he heard it from a professional? 

1. I think you mean 'kudos' not 'cootoes'

2. I don't think you understand ASD at all

3. This is a forum primarily populated by people who are autistic - so you know that 'no empathy' problem you have with your fiance? Yeah, expect that in spades here, 'cos we're pretty much all like that...

4. Please don't apply YOUR emotional interpretation to MY objective responses based on the information YOU provided

I'm out.

I think you're missing my point and further more YOU DONT KNOW ME. please stop making assumptions about me based on these 2 very short exerts of my life.  I'm VERY vocal about my expectations, wants and needs. My fiancé KNOWS all of this, but the truth is SOMETHINGS HE CAN'T DO and yes that is ok, knowing that he just wired differently helps me accept that, but its also very hard sit in silence with no response  AFTER saying ALL that you can say and the person is giving NOTHING back. ITS FRUSTRATING as F***K. 

You are literally on the other end of this situation so you have no idea what its like to be with someone like you. cootoes to your wife, she's maybe she's figured it all out. would love to hear from her, but could really do WITHOUT your judgmental words they aren't helpful!

It's not that he's "incapable of change" it's that there is (should be) no reason for him to do so.

If he was diabetic would you force him to eat high-sugar foods? No

If he was a photo-sensitive epileptic would you make him look at flashing lights? No

"He has no idea what to do sometimes" - you know what you want him to do, so TELL HIM!

People (NTs mostly) often talk about 'meeting half way', well...

I wish my wife would come on this forum and share her experiences of having to understand me through my recent diagnosis (at age 47)...

Thank you for replying. know having better understanding about that this is his brain and less some character trait that will lesson over time, So I know he is incapable of change and I  now don't expect it of him. I'll try your of actively thinking about how he would feel in certain circumstances. 

This whole thing is just so mind boggling for me.