Married Life

I am the SO of an ASD man. We're both in our 30s, and have been living together for almost 2 yrs.

I am at my wit's end, and don't know what to do tbh.

Every day is the same, and it seems as though change will never happen. I feel like our relationship is over, but he insists it's not.

We don't have any intimacy, and when we try, it fails.

I feel like I am just a convenience for him. Doing all the house chores and still working a full-time job.

Am I over thinking everything? Will he ever just do what needs to be done? Will I always have to be the "adult" in this relationship?

Help me

Do you know what his home life was like?   Did his mother do everything for him?    Has he ever lived on his own?    You may need to sit down with him with a written list of what is not working for you and calmly ask him to take on a more responsible role - or you will end up as his mother.

It all needs to be rational and without emotion - like a snag-list when buying a house - so he can get the clear measure of what's being asked of him.  

If he can't get his head around the needs to balance the relationship then you may have a problem.

The thing you need to consider is when you make demands of him - if he's just got home and his brain is fried, he won't be in the zone - you'll just end up in a fight.   The best time for rational discussions is when he's at his lowest stress state - like if he's into aeroplanes, take him to a museum, indulge his interest and then have a chat over a nice lunch - it's when he''ll be most receptive to new ideas.

As for the intimacy, there's lots you can do there - it will take clear communication and open honesty - blokes are simple mechanisms - it's all about focussing the mind on the job in hand, so to speak. 

Plastic makes a good point here about upbringing. I had to have the same conversation with my OH, and in our case it's me who's the aspie and him who is NT (though I wonder sometimes whether on the edge of NT!!). 

He admitted that when living with parents, the only chore he had to do was his own laundry. Well, and cleaning his room, but he freely admitted that he only did that when navigation from door to bed became impossible. 

NT or ND, you need to have the conversation though. You are not his mother, and carrying on taking on those responsibilities will likely leave you angry and resentful, and eventually leaving the relationship (yes, I have been there, twice)

Plastic makes a good point here about upbringing. I had to have the same conversation with my OH, and in our case it's me who's the aspie and him who is NT (though I wonder sometimes whether on the edge of NT!!). 

He admitted that when living with parents, the only chore he had to do was his own laundry. Well, and cleaning his room, but he freely admitted that he only did that when navigation from door to bed became impossible. 

NT or ND, you need to have the conversation though. You are not his mother, and carrying on taking on those responsibilities will likely leave you angry and resentful, and eventually leaving the relationship (yes, I have been there, twice)