Published on 12, July, 2020
A place for spouses of someone autistic to talk
Hi, I'm engaged to someone on the spectrum. Not diagnosed, but shows MANY signs. we've been together for 6 years wedding planned for April. While things can be amazing there are some serious challenges and I can't deny I'M STRUGGLING! My fiancé is smart, kind and loving man, I'm lucky in so many ways but he has a terrible time with empathy he truly has no idea what to do sometimes. your husbands may not exhibit this behavior but if so how do you cope?
I 100% get where you are coming from. I am in the same shoes as you. We just got married this past April. Congratulations! It’s been challenging but being married has been 10 times better then the challenge. I still struggle with this but the biggest thing I realized is he never responds with what I want to hear. I’m always looking for comfort and reassurance and he doesn’t give it to me when I’m looking for it. The best thing is to either have no expectations and realize he does care and want to help you but doesn’t know how to show you and the other is to allow yourself to get full when he does show his love and appreciation. It just may be in his own ways. I am also realizing he can’t read my mind lol and he need me to very clearly tell him what I need. It sucks because as woman we want our man to just know our needs but it doesn’t work like that lol I’d love to talk more. It’s hard to find support for wives.
I'm on the other side of the coin and am a ND women married to a NT man. As a NT he causes me significant amounts of frustration due to his neurological need for social acceptance and belonging. As someone whose neurotype finds social interactions draining and favours honest and open conversations, as well as a routine, I find this part of his neurology incredibly frustrating at times.
I'm conscious that it would be wrong of me to ask my husband to act in a way that went against his neurological make-up, plus when people have done this to others in the past it's seriously affected their self-esteem and MH. This is clear from the post of many autistic individuals who's family and partners have tried to change them leading to have an identity crisis, feelings of worthlessness and how it stopped them from having any self-confidence in their own thoughts and beliefs. I'd hate to make my husband feel like this, as such, to cope with his NT traits that clash with my ND needs I focus on what would happen if I tried to stop my husband behaving in this way. For example, I believe he would feel isolated and lonely, leading him to become depressed. Not only would this cause him pain, but it would also negatively impact our relationship as its likely he'd become negative in his outlook and may want withdraw from society.
It may help you to do the same and think about how you'd feel if your partner tried to change the parts of your personality that were fundamental to your neurological make-up? It certainly helps me to feel less frustrated and disappointed. Another thing that helps is to think about fairness and remind yourself of all of the sacrifices your OH makes for you. For example, I have to attend the occasional large social gathering for my husband. This causes me significant anxiety and leaves me feeling exhausted for days. On the other hand, I have sensitivities to taste and texture, which significantly affects the variety of food I can eat. As such, he makes sacrifices in regards to where we eat on holidays or evenings out.