Married Life

Hi, I'm engaged to someone on the spectrum. Not diagnosed, but shows MANY signs. we've been together for 6 years wedding planned for April. While things can be amazing there are some serious challenges and I can't deny I'M  STRUGGLING! My fiancé is smart, kind and loving man, I'm lucky in so many ways but he has a terrible time with empathy he truly has no idea what to do sometimes. your husbands may not exhibit this behavior but if so how do you cope? 

I'm on the other side of the coin and am a ND women married to a NT man. As a NT he causes me significant amounts of frustration due to his neurological need for social acceptance and belonging. As someone whose neurotype finds social interactions draining and favours honest and open conversations, as well as a routine, I find this part of his neurology incredibly frustrating at times. 

I'm conscious that it would be wrong of me to ask my husband to act in a way that went against his neurological make-up, plus when people have done this to others in the past it's seriously affected their self-esteem and MH. This is clear from the post of many autistic individuals who's family and partners have tried to change them leading to have an identity crisis, feelings of worthlessness and how it stopped them from having any self-confidence in their own thoughts and beliefs. I'd hate to make my husband feel like this, as such, to cope with his NT traits that clash with my ND needs I focus on what would happen if I tried to stop my husband behaving in this way. For example, I believe he would feel isolated and lonely, leading him to become depressed. Not only would this cause him pain, but it would also negatively impact our relationship as its likely he'd become negative in his outlook and may want withdraw from society. 

It may help you to do the same and think about how you'd feel if your partner tried to change the parts of your personality that were fundamental to your neurological make-up? It certainly helps me to feel less frustrated and disappointed. Another thing that helps is to think about fairness and remind yourself of all of the sacrifices your OH makes for you. For example, I have to attend the occasional large social gathering for my husband. This causes me significant anxiety and leaves me feeling exhausted for days. On the other hand, I have sensitivities to taste and texture, which significantly affects the variety of food I can eat. As such, he makes sacrifices in regards to where we eat on holidays or evenings out.

Thank you for replying. know having better understanding about that this is his brain and less some character trait that will lesson over time, So I know he is incapable of change and I  now don't expect it of him. I'll try your of actively thinking about how he would feel in certain circumstances. 

This whole thing is just so mind boggling for me. 

S63951, I get it! I understand! I am going through the same thing. There is a lot of advice and different angles on here and I don't have the answer but I do have support. I know that's what I need and why I came on here. As long as you are communicating with him I don't know what else to tell you. Maybe if he heard it from a professional? 

S63951, I get it! I understand! I am going through the same thing. There is a lot of advice and different angles on here and I don't have the answer but I do have support. I know that's what I need and why I came on here. As long as you are communicating with him I don't know what else to tell you. Maybe if he heard it from a professional?