Published on 12, July, 2020
A place for spouses of someone autistic to talk
I am the SO of an ASD man. We're both in our 30s, and have been living together for almost 2 yrs.
I am at my wit's end, and don't know what to do tbh.
Every day is the same, and it seems as though change will never happen. I feel like our relationship is over, but he insists it's not.
We don't have any intimacy, and when we try, it fails.
I feel like I am just a convenience for him. Doing all the house chores and still working a full-time job.
Am I over thinking everything? Will he ever just do what needs to be done? Will I always have to be the "adult" in this relationship?
Help me
Do you know what his home life was like? Did his mother do everything for him? Has he ever lived on his own? You may need to sit down with him with a written list of what is not working for you and calmly ask him to take on a more responsible role - or you will end up as his mother.
It all needs to be rational and without emotion - like a snag-list when buying a house - so he can get the clear measure of what's being asked of him.
If he can't get his head around the needs to balance the relationship then you may have a problem.
The thing you need to consider is when you make demands of him - if he's just got home and his brain is fried, he won't be in the zone - you'll just end up in a fight. The best time for rational discussions is when he's at his lowest stress state - like if he's into aeroplanes, take him to a museum, indulge his interest and then have a chat over a nice lunch - it's when he''ll be most receptive to new ideas.
As for the intimacy, there's lots you can do there - it will take clear communication and open honesty - blokes are simple mechanisms - it's all about focussing the mind on the job in hand, so to speak.
Hi. I'm sorry you having such a difficult time at the moment. I have been married to my DH for over 7 years. I didn't realise he was autistic until January this year and I too am finding life very difficult. He is 62 now and will not accept that he is autistic although to me -now, it is glaringly obvious. My husband is kind and generous and doesn't have a problem with intimacy at all. He does have many other foibles though and I feel terribly depressed now that I realise he won't ever change. I don't think your partner will ever change and I feel that you will always be the adult in the relationship. I often feel I am the parent in this relationship and it certainly isn't a level playing field emotionally. My advice would be to leave the relationship now - only my opinion though based on my own experience though.