Married to an Aspie

Can anyone relate to being married to a guy with Aspergers and feeling like his carer? Feel so lonely in our relationship and unless we do what motivates him or talk about his hobbies we literally don’t talk or spend time together. Don’t want to use this forum to moan as he really is a kind hearted guy but I just feel so unimportant, forgotten and alone. 

  • I love assembling things, 

    The Mrs hates it! Grin

    Being in a relationship for someone with autism just means masking forever if you love that person then it's doable.

    People with religion can pray too! 

  • It seems to me like NAS62020 has brought the wrong item and would like to return it but she does not have the receipt and is left with the choice of throwing it away and buying a new and better item or keep the item and try to Taylor it which is hard and takes skill and in the end will probably realise she should of just got a new one. 

    Very cutting.   I think she's bought a complex toy with some assembly required.  Smiley

  • I have read a few posts on here and honestly I feel depressed maybe as a rule of self preservation we should not get involved with "NT's". 

    I bet in the beginning thing seem good but as time goes on the relationship dissipates due to lack of understanding and tolerance on both sides. 

    The reality is NT's need constant emotional interaction like puppies but being unable to read theses emotional cues makes us in this regard chocolate teapots.

    It seems to me like NAS62020 has brought the wrong item and would like to return it but she does not have the receipt and is left with the choice of throwing it away and buying a new and better item or keep the item and try to Taylor it which is hard and takes skill and in the end will probably realise she should of just got a new one. 

  • I have been with my partner for 18 yrs and have struggled in honesty to understand why he gets so cross and angry over what he classes as stressful situations and I class as life...for example when our baby used to cry it would start getting annoyed, which meant I dealt with the baby in the night.  I resented him for this as to me he is having a paddy so I take over.  I didn't know he had autism and it became apparent to me after years of trying to get his attention towards me instead of gaming or a camera he may be fiddling with.  Trying to demand his attention resulted in more resentment from him.  I can be with him at home all evening and he makes little to no conversation.  I went to a party with him last night..I didn't mention it, but the entire time, 4 hours, he said one sentence to me.  He is a great dad, faithful to me and loving in his way, but I cant help but feel I am missing out on a relationship with nt interactions and the interest of a nt man in me.  I cant really talk to many people about this issue.  I want to be with him and chat to him, but he just doesn't need conversation in the way I do, he admits that.  He says he doesn't get anything from idle chit chat.  This leaves me feeling alone.  .

  • I just got married to an aspie and have been looking for support and other people like me. It feels very lonely has I have not found anyone else who is NT and married to an aspie. I just found this forum and appreciate everything everyone has commented. It helps me to read different point of views 

  • thank you for your reply and advice. I will take on board and keep reading and listening. Must have had a bad day when I posted on here, My health has not been great and was reaching out. 

  • Is your husband here to speak for himself? Does he agree that it is all about him. That he needs care and being cared for? There are a lot of autistic people who feel it is all about the NT partners demands and denial and invalidation of autistic needs and contribution. Many autistic people say they work hard and show their love and do everything they can to care for their family members but somehow it is never enough and never acknowledged.

    This is the double empathy problem. https://network.autism.org.uk/knowledge/insight-opinion/double-empathy-problem

    It is essential in my view to understand the dynamic of relationship and work on it.

    All relationships are about caring, taking care and supporting one's spouse, there is nothing unusual in that.

    All relationships require work from both sides. They require both sides reaching to each-other, learning each-other's way to express love, each-other's language. One need to acknowledge and connect to the signal and messages that are there, expressed in the aspie way in this case, just as you expect him to receive your NT messages. Of course one need to connect with individuals as they are, talking about topics of interest to them, one have to search and keep the common ground. It is counterproductive to expect aspies to function in the relationship on NT terms, expecting them to go all the way to bridge the double empathy gap. It would create extremely stressful toxic atmosphere i the relationship. This is not really sustainable and in fact is not consistent with the ethic of a relationship as a safe equal partnership of unconditional acceptance and love.

    NT family members have 'cultural representations' about autism otherwise known as stereotypes, which are demonstrated to be an unhelpful barrier to true communication.

    Brett Heasman (LSE) discusses his recent study  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TSMF_3f0Q0c&feature=youtu.be

     "Perspective-taking is two-sided: misunderstandings between people with Asperger's syndrome and their family members". Stereotypes about autism get in the way of mutual understanding

  • yes i can relate to the way you describe you are feeling . It is lonely and feels very one - sided and all about my husbands needs. I don't wish to moan either but would like to understand more about the way he feels. It would also help to have another Carer to chat over ideas for self worth with.

  • Great advice.

    I think your focusing too much on the aspie angle rather than the fact your two humans and as such need to work together to make the relationship work

    This is important. All relationship problems have the same underlying problems and dynamics, AS or not.

  • less conscious maybe of the judgement of others

    That ought to be a factor - a state of being validated and accepted - procedural memories of happy times. I relate to this

  • Let's not dwell on a narrow interpretations. In my experience aspies are open to many things that NT find 'unpopular' and take themselves too seriously to do. But I don't agree with the patronising ableist view that the NT are 'the adults' and the 'carers' in the relationship. This is self indulgent and devalues aspies, denies them autonomy.

    For autistic minority to survive and function at a high level, you have to actually be very open minded and adaptable. You are forced to continuously do the difficult counterintuitive thing. The high functioning of the HFA is the proof. Let's not ignore the facts to indulge the stereotypical theory.

    The 'closed minded' and 'closed off' is the externally observed stereotype and label that keeps being reiterated. I don't recognise it at all. Do autistic adults actually say they are this way?

    Usually they say they may look like this to the NT when they are struggling to cope. It is a protective behaviour at a time of stress. Has no bearing to the internal workings of the mind. 

    Likewise for fixation with rituals -  aspies functioning at a level to have families are much more flexible than the stereotype suggests. In addition, are you aware of any bigger groups of NT people 'fixated with their beliefs, routines and rituals ' ? lol

    If the OP is unhappy in her relationship it could be that her OH senses this and is clinginging to his safety nets of alone time and talking about his interests as a way of coping with the situation. 

    Absolutely, the OH would definitely feel the tension, the withdrawal of emotional support, the disconnection and would react with great anxiety, would be very distressed and therefore the attempts to re-establish connection could be awkward.

    The first thing is to relax, remove the tension.

  • I was going to comment on this as an Aspie a few days ago, didn't, but want to agree with what others have said here & see if I can offer anything extra.

    I'm 52 and married to a lovely lady who may also be ASD (which seems to help us, though it doesn't solve all of the issues of an NT-ND relationship).

    Communication is key in any marriage, and when one or both partners are ASD it's worth bearing in mind:

    • Be precise, succinct, and complete. Also, check for understanding. It may be a stereotype but here's an anecdote. My wife and I in the kitchen, cooking together. Wife needs to go to look for something in another room & says "Can you stir that for a bit?", pointing to something on the hob. Seeing my reaction and having a moment's reflection, she turns to me and says "Please stir that mixture continuously until I return!". It really makes a difference.
    • Allow your Aspie time to process. We like to build models of the universe in our heads & if the model needs to change it can take a lot of effort. Sometimes, information that doesn't fit the existing model is simply discarded by our brains. So you might need to encourage him, gently, to find some kind of system (e.g. making notes) to keep the new information alive until it's incorporated into the model. So for example, if you need to say to him "When you don't say goodbye in the mornings, I feel unloved" it can be quite a process to get his brain to conclude, remember and put into action "In the mornings I will say goodbye to my wife, as this will help her feel loved". I have had long conversations with my wife, covering the same ground on several different occasions, and each time forgetting what was said, what we concluded, and how my behaviour needed to change (and likewise vice versa when her behaviour needed to change in consideration of the impact on *me*). What we do now is text each-other notes and summaries of our conversations and what we are going to do about it. Sometimes we make notes on our phones *as we are talking* and send them to each-other, then a day or so later one of us will go back to the note and a light bulb will go on and we will text "Aha, I get you now! I'm going to make sure I X/Y/Z when you P/Q/R".
    • Sometimes Aspies can't describe what they are feeling, or even know themselves (Alexithymia). This can make us seem cold, but as Plastic says, we can have the joy of little children when something lights us up.

    It can be done. I hear that you want him to step into your world. He can, but you might need to step briefly into his, take his hand, and gently lead him in. But also recognise that as he himself has aged, things that he might have been able to cope with when he was younger (socialising, parties, loud places) may be overwhelming for him now. He may be able to go with you if he understands how much it means to you, that you understand the impact on him and allow it to be time limited or give him some other means of control (e.g. "We can go home at 8.30 if it's too much" - upon which you might find that the feeling of control allows him to stay all night!).

  • Both - I thought I knew who I was when I was about 16 - since then, I've been faking it to please others but knowing deep down I wasn't right for me.  I wanted to be 16 again when no-one relied on me and there was no pressure to perform to everyone else's rules.  I could just explore the things that were more 'me'.

  • feeling more comfortable reverting to a responsibility-free time of their lives.

    Is that a time when we are less conscious maybe of the judgement of others? Or, that the shackles of adulthood and its associated responsibilities are more difficult and nuanced to fathom when you are aspie?

  • In my experience, aspies tend to not see the logic in denying themselves simple pleasures because their peer group sees it as 'for kids'. (Ever been to ComicCon or a model show?)

    All the aspies I talk to very quickly admit to loving Lego and feeling more comfortable reverting to a responsibility-free time of their lives.

  • I don't think Plastic meant being 'eternal child' literally, it is more like being 'forever young', open minded, adventurous and curious.

    If you think of the millions of aspies in the word I believe this is too much of a  sweeping statement as were a similarly diverse bunch of people compared to NTs. For example, I've met a lot of autistics who are very closed minded and closed off. Plus, its often written (and this was my experience for a while) that many autistics become fixated with their beliefs, routines and rituals as its enables them to feel safe in a world that can be difficult to understand.

    If the OP is unhappy in her relationship it could be that her OH senses this and is clinginging to his safety nets of alone time and talking about his interests as a way of coping with the situation. 

  • One thing I am really aware of as an Aspie is the time needed to fully process a 'heavy' discussion. 

    If you're going to bend his ear, do it gently and in small chunks and then leave him to process it for a day or so. 

    Don't get impatient or nag him, just ask him if he has had a think and is there any feedback from him or does he have questions about what you're asking him. 

    He may need some clarifiaction if there's poiints that aren't clear to him - sort of gently renegotiating terms of engagement.

  • Do you have something for yourself, something to relax and nurture yourself?

    It might help if you create yourself time and space to pursue a hobby, some art lessons, pilates, whatever.

    Do you have family and friends with whom you can have some laugh? You don't have to go everywhere with your husband. You need to have friends and social life of your own.

    Do you actually make use of all the financial and organisational support potentially available to you?

    Do you claim all the benefits? Do you need a carer's needs assessment?

    Can you afford a cleaner, some holidays where you don't need to do chores?

    Can you access respite?

    Did you talk to your GP about how you feel? Maybe it could be helped with medication. What about some psychotherapy, some ethical counselling?

    I also think you need to discuss how you feel with your husband, you need to assert your needs and get the support from him.  Some bottom line as Camilia says. You might need to be a bit flexible on outcomes and on the trajectory, but you will get the response if you engage it in a non threatening way.

    One of the reasons aspies avoid discussion and don't respond is because it might feel overwhelming, so you need first to connect and relax together, so he would not be in a state when he can't engage, not in an anxiety ellert. It might help to reduce the intensity and scope of the discussion, so it would not feel like the hell breaks loose to your husband. Put some floor and ceiling to it.

  • I would also love some time when he at least tries to step into mine even if it does seem uninteresting to him. Isn’t that what sharing life and loving each other is about. I don’t want to be married to an eternal child. I don’t want to be his mother and my world is a grown up world and I am married to a grown up. I know I’m full of self pity right now

    Of course, relationship is about reciprocity and mutual support. He certainly need to join you in your 'world' and support you emotionally.

    He probably wants that badly too.

    I don't think Plastic meant being 'eternal child' literally, it is more like being 'forever young', open minded, adventurous and curious.

    I don't agree that aspies are children who need mothering. This is devaluing our contribution and failing to recognise our autonomy and self determination.

    You don't provide a lot of specific detail, but I came across various perspectives so I would refer to what I see as a broader trend. Please correct me if it does not apply to you. Please bare with me.

    That world of chaos and hassle... Some of it is unavoidable, but sometimes some of the aggravation in life is a choice, based on individual preferences. Different individuals would have different preferences and different priorities resulting from their preferences and limitations.

    Having autistic family means you can't keep up with the Joneses on everything and with the Kardashians on hardly anything. You can't juggle all the balls and should be prepared to agree which ones you are going to leave out. One should be prepared to de-prioritize a few things that other people find important, to break a few eggs and not being hard on ourselves about that. There is nothing you can do and life continues just fine without. There is no point in being frustrated about that. 

    Maybe it could help you to reframe your exhaustion and frustration? How about doing less? Stop doing things that cause most aggravation and least satisfaction? who needs them? Really?

    I came across  perspectives from spouses that are preoccupied with micro managing and controlling their families and the households in line with their neurotypical preferences and preoccupations that aspies find empty and intolerable, and hectoring their autistic partners for not complying with their exacting expectations of ticking all the boxes, doting all the i and crossing all the t. Your autistic family may consider those uncool, unnecessary, extraneous aggravations and may not be ready to join you in their pursuits.

    It there a possibility that you could declutter your 'grown up' world?  Focus on the important things? You might find that your husband is right there in it with you.

  • This is spot on, imo.

    I am no expert in relationships, but have seen a few including my own hitting some difficulties. There is always a way to recover and reconnect, if one go about it in the right way.

    Re-igniting the fun, the nonchalance, the connection is essential. It can happen through shared adventures, experiences, travel, ideas you both care about.

    What were you talking about when you were dating, what made you to decide you could get together for life? There should have been some common values and themes that are important and interesting for both of you. Why not talking about that?

    I think aspies are interested in ideas. Do you talk about ideas?

    (Eastenders and Kim Kardashian being examples of things that kill all the fun, but even that could be talked about as ideas of the absurd taking over the world, lol.. just in a manner of speaking)

    Does he work? Do you talk about his work?