Can anyone relate to being married to a guy with Aspergers and feeling like his carer? Feel so lonely in our relationship and unless we do what motivates him or talk about his hobbies we literally don’t talk or spend time together. Don’t want to use this forum to moan as he really is a kind hearted guy but I just feel so unimportant, forgotten and alone.
It seems to me like NAS62020 has brought the wrong item and would like to return it but she does not have the receipt and is left with the choice of throwing it away and buying a new and better item or keep the item and try to Taylor it which is hard and takes skill and in the end will probably realise she should of just got a new one.
Very cutting. I think she's bought a complex toy with some assembly required. 
I have read a few posts on here and honestly I feel depressed maybe as a rule of self preservation we should not get involved with "NT's".
I bet in the beginning thing seem good but as time goes on the relationship dissipates due to lack of understanding and tolerance on both sides.
The reality is NT's need constant emotional interaction like puppies but being unable to read theses emotional cues makes us in this regard chocolate teapots.
It seems to me like NAS62020 has brought the wrong item and would like to return it but she does not have the receipt and is left with the choice of throwing it away and buying a new and better item or keep the item and try to Taylor it which is hard and takes skill and in the end will probably realise she should of just got a new one.
I have been with my partner for 18 yrs and have struggled in honesty to understand why he gets so cross and angry over what he classes as stressful situations and I class as life...for example when our baby used to cry it would start getting annoyed, which meant I dealt with the baby in the night. I resented him for this as to me he is having a paddy so I take over. I didn't know he had autism and it became apparent to me after years of trying to get his attention towards me instead of gaming or a camera he may be fiddling with. Trying to demand his attention resulted in more resentment from him. I can be with him at home all evening and he makes little to no conversation. I went to a party with him last night..I didn't mention it, but the entire time, 4 hours, he said one sentence to me. He is a great dad, faithful to me and loving in his way, but I cant help but feel I am missing out on a relationship with nt interactions and the interest of a nt man in me. I cant really talk to many people about this issue. I want to be with him and chat to him, but he just doesn't need conversation in the way I do, he admits that. He says he doesn't get anything from idle chit chat. This leaves me feeling alone. .
I just got married to an aspie and have been looking for support and other people like me. It feels very lonely has I have not found anyone else who is NT and married to an aspie. I just found this forum and appreciate everything everyone has commented. It helps me to read different point of views
Great advice.
I think your focusing too much on the aspie angle rather than the fact your two humans and as such need to work together to make the relationship work
This is important. All relationship problems have the same underlying problems and dynamics, AS or not.
less conscious maybe of the judgement of others
That ought to be a factor - a state of being validated and accepted - procedural memories of happy times. I relate to this
Let's not dwell on a narrow interpretations. In my experience aspies are open to many things that NT find 'unpopular' and take themselves too seriously to do. But I don't agree with the patronising ableist view that the NT are 'the adults' and the 'carers' in the relationship. This is self indulgent and devalues aspies, denies them autonomy.
For autistic minority to survive and function at a high level, you have to actually be very open minded and adaptable. You are forced to continuously do the difficult counterintuitive thing. The high functioning of the HFA is the proof. Let's not ignore the facts to indulge the stereotypical theory.
The 'closed minded' and 'closed off' is the externally observed stereotype and label that keeps being reiterated. I don't recognise it at all. Do autistic adults actually say they are this way?
Usually they say they may look like this to the NT when they are struggling to cope. It is a protective behaviour at a time of stress. Has no bearing to the internal workings of the mind.
Likewise for fixation with rituals - aspies functioning at a level to have families are much more flexible than the stereotype suggests. In addition, are you aware of any bigger groups of NT people 'fixated with their beliefs, routines and rituals ' ? lol
If the OP is unhappy in her relationship it could be that her OH senses this and is clinginging to his safety nets of alone time and talking about his interests as a way of coping with the situation.
Absolutely, the OH would definitely feel the tension, the withdrawal of emotional support, the disconnection and would react with great anxiety, would be very distressed and therefore the attempts to re-establish connection could be awkward.
The first thing is to relax, remove the tension.
I was going to comment on this as an Aspie a few days ago, didn't, but want to agree with what others have said here & see if I can offer anything extra.
I'm 52 and married to a lovely lady who may also be ASD (which seems to help us, though it doesn't solve all of the issues of an NT-ND relationship).
Communication is key in any marriage, and when one or both partners are ASD it's worth bearing in mind:
It can be done. I hear that you want him to step into your world. He can, but you might need to step briefly into his, take his hand, and gently lead him in. But also recognise that as he himself has aged, things that he might have been able to cope with when he was younger (socialising, parties, loud places) may be overwhelming for him now. He may be able to go with you if he understands how much it means to you, that you understand the impact on him and allow it to be time limited or give him some other means of control (e.g. "We can go home at 8.30 if it's too much" - upon which you might find that the feeling of control allows him to stay all night!).
Both - I thought I knew who I was when I was about 16 - since then, I've been faking it to please others but knowing deep down I wasn't right for me. I wanted to be 16 again when no-one relied on me and there was no pressure to perform to everyone else's rules. I could just explore the things that were more 'me'.
feeling more comfortable reverting to a responsibility-free time of their lives.
Is that a time when we are less conscious maybe of the judgement of others? Or, that the shackles of adulthood and its associated responsibilities are more difficult and nuanced to fathom when you are aspie?
In my experience, aspies tend to not see the logic in denying themselves simple pleasures because their peer group sees it as 'for kids'. (Ever been to ComicCon or a model show?)
All the aspies I talk to very quickly admit to loving Lego and feeling more comfortable reverting to a responsibility-free time of their lives.
I don't think Plastic meant being 'eternal child' literally, it is more like being 'forever young', open minded, adventurous and curious.
If you think of the millions of aspies in the word I believe this is too much of a sweeping statement as were a similarly diverse bunch of people compared to NTs. For example, I've met a lot of autistics who are very closed minded and closed off. Plus, its often written (and this was my experience for a while) that many autistics become fixated with their beliefs, routines and rituals as its enables them to feel safe in a world that can be difficult to understand.
If the OP is unhappy in her relationship it could be that her OH senses this and is clinginging to his safety nets of alone time and talking about his interests as a way of coping with the situation.
I would also love some time when he at least tries to step into mine even if it does seem uninteresting to him. Isn’t that what sharing life and loving each other is about. I don’t want to be married to an eternal child. I don’t want to be his mother and my world is a grown up world and I am married to a grown up. I know I’m full of self pity right now
Of course, relationship is about reciprocity and mutual support. He certainly need to join you in your 'world' and support you emotionally.
He probably wants that badly too.
I don't think Plastic meant being 'eternal child' literally, it is more like being 'forever young', open minded, adventurous and curious.
I don't agree that aspies are children who need mothering. This is devaluing our contribution and failing to recognise our autonomy and self determination.
You don't provide a lot of specific detail, but I came across various perspectives so I would refer to what I see as a broader trend. Please correct me if it does not apply to you. Please bare with me.
That world of chaos and hassle... Some of it is unavoidable, but sometimes some of the aggravation in life is a choice, based on individual preferences. Different individuals would have different preferences and different priorities resulting from their preferences and limitations.
Having autistic family means you can't keep up with the Joneses on everything and with the Kardashians on hardly anything. You can't juggle all the balls and should be prepared to agree which ones you are going to leave out. One should be prepared to de-prioritize a few things that other people find important, to break a few eggs and not being hard on ourselves about that. There is nothing you can do and life continues just fine without. There is no point in being frustrated about that.
Maybe it could help you to reframe your exhaustion and frustration? How about doing less? Stop doing things that cause most aggravation and least satisfaction? who needs them? Really?
I came across perspectives from spouses that are preoccupied with micro managing and controlling their families and the households in line with their neurotypical preferences and preoccupations that aspies find empty and intolerable, and hectoring their autistic partners for not complying with their exacting expectations of ticking all the boxes, doting all the i and crossing all the t. Your autistic family may consider those uncool, unnecessary, extraneous aggravations and may not be ready to join you in their pursuits.
It there a possibility that you could declutter your 'grown up' world? Focus on the important things? You might find that your husband is right there in it with you.
This is spot on, imo.
I am no expert in relationships, but have seen a few including my own hitting some difficulties. There is always a way to recover and reconnect, if one go about it in the right way.
Re-igniting the fun, the nonchalance, the connection is essential. It can happen through shared adventures, experiences, travel, ideas you both care about.
What were you talking about when you were dating, what made you to decide you could get together for life? There should have been some common values and themes that are important and interesting for both of you. Why not talking about that?
I think aspies are interested in ideas. Do you talk about ideas?
(Eastenders and Kim Kardashian being examples of things that kill all the fun, but even that could be talked about as ideas of the absurd taking over the world, lol.. just in a manner of speaking)
Does he work? Do you talk about his work?
feeling like his carer? Feel so lonely in our relationship and unless we do what motivates him or talk about his hobbies we literally don’t talk or spend time together.
Does he agree that you are his 'carer'? That he needs a carer?
Does he also have mobility needs? It can come across as patronising and somehow devaluing his contribution and his choices, insisting on his disability rather him as a man, an individual. Isn't there anything at all he contributes to your life? What would he say?
Maybe it may help to take a step back and consider that your exhaustion and frustration makes you to take a stance and embrace some views that might put a barriers that pulls you apart, makes it difficult for him to get through to you and for you to acknowledge and row back to him?
All relationships are about caring for each-other, they are about valuing each other. It seem you have a breakdown in communication that is not necessarily to do with ASC. All relationships can hit the rocks and the signs are exactly the same. Do you have a good sex life?
Obviously he is an adult with autonomy of his own, he doesn't have to comply with all the parameters of your NT preferences, it should be a matter for negotiation.
Are you actually trying to get him to talk with you about things that motivate you, your hobbies as it were? Is he aware that it is so interesting and important to you?
I think Plastic is spot on. Relationships do tend to erode with age and to repair them you need to reignite the fun and to re- stimulate the oxitoxin... the care and love hormone and preferably the sex hormones too, as a priority.
As an aspie I have an alternative view. My need for independence and control meant I acted as an adult from an early age and I don't have an desire or need to be an eternal child.
The overwhelming need to talk about his own interests can be an aspie thing. However, I think your focusing too much on the aspie angle rather than the fact your two humans and as such need to work together to make the relationship work. My partner understands that being around others is extremely tiring for me and I need alone time to recover. I work 30 hours a week as this gives me a recovery day on a Weds and he's happy to contribute more to the household finances to enable this. He also doesn't complain when its getting to the end of a semester and I'm out of energy and spend most evenings upstairs alone, as without this time my MH would seriously suffer. On the other hand, my partner is a typical NT and enjoys group socialising, I hate it. One compromise we've agreed on is that every so often we'll have a max of two people around and we'll host for the evening. That's because were both adults and understand there needs to be give and take on both sides to make a relationship work.
Would it help to make a list of what frustrates you so you can talk about it together? If it isn't something your partner is willing or able to change and you are unhappy accepting him as he his then you might need to consider if this is the right person for you or if you'd be better of looking for someone else.
But why does life have to be stress & hassle? The more chaotic life is, the less he will be inclined to want to engage with it. When we're young, us aspies seem to manage ok - but as we get older, the processing involved in juggling all the complex balls of a neurotypical (NT) world takes its toll and it becomes very difficult to keep going.
As an aspie, I feel like I'm only 16 inside - although I'm 53 on the outside. We still try to find the fun in life - we go to Disney Florida, we still go to gigs and we are still up with current trends. Growing up and becoming boring old farts is optional. People tend to get stuck in the groove of being 'too old to do that' but why? Pretending to be mature and competing with the Joneses doesn't actually make you happy so why bother?
If you had a link when you were younger then why not re-ignite that link? You say you dan't want to be with a child but do you really want to be with an old fart? Doing childish things can be fun and exciting.
I suspect you'll find he's equally frustrated at losing contact with you, but you may have moved too far out of his ability to understand your actions and motives that he literally has no idea what to do or say to you to re-establish communication or how to make you happy - or how to even talk to you.
It may sound stupid, but you might need to have a long chat (calmly - no shouting or tears) with him to explain where you are now and what your expectations are (like to a child) so he can have a clue what he's supposed to be doing with you. The gradual drift of life may have left him totally lost so you need to bring him up to speed with what you want. From his point of view, he just wants stability and no arguements - so you need to be careful about confusing him with your emotions and to just consider what you say to him as a data transfer of facts and clues about dealing with you.
If you want flowers from him, then say so - he might never work it out for himself. I'll bet he'd like to have his brain stimulated to find you the most interesting thing around so why not indulge one of his hobbies with him - demonstrate you value him. See what happens.
Thankyou for your response @plastic. It was really helpful to think of these things and have insight into an aspie world. I do recognise that I am pretty tired and fed up with a few things so my life probably has lost the spark that he noticed when we met. I do think I have ‘grown up’ because the reality is, life isn’t simple, it IS chaotic, stressful and with hassle. That’s just the truth. I like what you said about stepping into his world but I would also love some time when he at least tries to step into mine even if it does seem uninteresting to him. Isn’t that what sharing life and loving each other is about. I don’t want to be married to an eternal child. I don’t want to be his mother and my world is a grown up world and I am married to a grown up. I know I’m full of self pity right now I think I just need a place to say out loud that it’s hard, frustrating, lonely and disappointing.
Have you considered how you come across to him?
Please forgive me if I say something that comes across incorrectly, but Aspies tend to be eternal children looking for life to be simple (no chaos, stress or hassle) and looking for fun and the sparkle in all that they do.
Have you looked at what you do that makes him lose interest in engaging with you?
What fun things did you used to do that brought you together?
It's unlikely that his views have changed so is it the fact that you have 'grown up' and left him behind the problem?
Do you have hobbies and an interesting life to spark his interest? (if all you want to do is watch Eastenders then he probably won't join you on the sofa).
If you step back into his world, you might find he's 100% still there for you.
