Married to an Aspie

Can anyone relate to being married to a guy with Aspergers and feeling like his carer? Feel so lonely in our relationship and unless we do what motivates him or talk about his hobbies we literally don’t talk or spend time together. Don’t want to use this forum to moan as he really is a kind hearted guy but I just feel so unimportant, forgotten and alone. 

Parents
  • I was going to comment on this as an Aspie a few days ago, didn't, but want to agree with what others have said here & see if I can offer anything extra.

    I'm 52 and married to a lovely lady who may also be ASD (which seems to help us, though it doesn't solve all of the issues of an NT-ND relationship).

    Communication is key in any marriage, and when one or both partners are ASD it's worth bearing in mind:

    • Be precise, succinct, and complete. Also, check for understanding. It may be a stereotype but here's an anecdote. My wife and I in the kitchen, cooking together. Wife needs to go to look for something in another room & says "Can you stir that for a bit?", pointing to something on the hob. Seeing my reaction and having a moment's reflection, she turns to me and says "Please stir that mixture continuously until I return!". It really makes a difference.
    • Allow your Aspie time to process. We like to build models of the universe in our heads & if the model needs to change it can take a lot of effort. Sometimes, information that doesn't fit the existing model is simply discarded by our brains. So you might need to encourage him, gently, to find some kind of system (e.g. making notes) to keep the new information alive until it's incorporated into the model. So for example, if you need to say to him "When you don't say goodbye in the mornings, I feel unloved" it can be quite a process to get his brain to conclude, remember and put into action "In the mornings I will say goodbye to my wife, as this will help her feel loved". I have had long conversations with my wife, covering the same ground on several different occasions, and each time forgetting what was said, what we concluded, and how my behaviour needed to change (and likewise vice versa when her behaviour needed to change in consideration of the impact on *me*). What we do now is text each-other notes and summaries of our conversations and what we are going to do about it. Sometimes we make notes on our phones *as we are talking* and send them to each-other, then a day or so later one of us will go back to the note and a light bulb will go on and we will text "Aha, I get you now! I'm going to make sure I X/Y/Z when you P/Q/R".
    • Sometimes Aspies can't describe what they are feeling, or even know themselves (Alexithymia). This can make us seem cold, but as Plastic says, we can have the joy of little children when something lights us up.

    It can be done. I hear that you want him to step into your world. He can, but you might need to step briefly into his, take his hand, and gently lead him in. But also recognise that as he himself has aged, things that he might have been able to cope with when he was younger (socialising, parties, loud places) may be overwhelming for him now. He may be able to go with you if he understands how much it means to you, that you understand the impact on him and allow it to be time limited or give him some other means of control (e.g. "We can go home at 8.30 if it's too much" - upon which you might find that the feeling of control allows him to stay all night!).

Reply
  • I was going to comment on this as an Aspie a few days ago, didn't, but want to agree with what others have said here & see if I can offer anything extra.

    I'm 52 and married to a lovely lady who may also be ASD (which seems to help us, though it doesn't solve all of the issues of an NT-ND relationship).

    Communication is key in any marriage, and when one or both partners are ASD it's worth bearing in mind:

    • Be precise, succinct, and complete. Also, check for understanding. It may be a stereotype but here's an anecdote. My wife and I in the kitchen, cooking together. Wife needs to go to look for something in another room & says "Can you stir that for a bit?", pointing to something on the hob. Seeing my reaction and having a moment's reflection, she turns to me and says "Please stir that mixture continuously until I return!". It really makes a difference.
    • Allow your Aspie time to process. We like to build models of the universe in our heads & if the model needs to change it can take a lot of effort. Sometimes, information that doesn't fit the existing model is simply discarded by our brains. So you might need to encourage him, gently, to find some kind of system (e.g. making notes) to keep the new information alive until it's incorporated into the model. So for example, if you need to say to him "When you don't say goodbye in the mornings, I feel unloved" it can be quite a process to get his brain to conclude, remember and put into action "In the mornings I will say goodbye to my wife, as this will help her feel loved". I have had long conversations with my wife, covering the same ground on several different occasions, and each time forgetting what was said, what we concluded, and how my behaviour needed to change (and likewise vice versa when her behaviour needed to change in consideration of the impact on *me*). What we do now is text each-other notes and summaries of our conversations and what we are going to do about it. Sometimes we make notes on our phones *as we are talking* and send them to each-other, then a day or so later one of us will go back to the note and a light bulb will go on and we will text "Aha, I get you now! I'm going to make sure I X/Y/Z when you P/Q/R".
    • Sometimes Aspies can't describe what they are feeling, or even know themselves (Alexithymia). This can make us seem cold, but as Plastic says, we can have the joy of little children when something lights us up.

    It can be done. I hear that you want him to step into your world. He can, but you might need to step briefly into his, take his hand, and gently lead him in. But also recognise that as he himself has aged, things that he might have been able to cope with when he was younger (socialising, parties, loud places) may be overwhelming for him now. He may be able to go with you if he understands how much it means to you, that you understand the impact on him and allow it to be time limited or give him some other means of control (e.g. "We can go home at 8.30 if it's too much" - upon which you might find that the feeling of control allows him to stay all night!).

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