Married to an Aspie

Can anyone relate to being married to a guy with Aspergers and feeling like his carer? Feel so lonely in our relationship and unless we do what motivates him or talk about his hobbies we literally don’t talk or spend time together. Don’t want to use this forum to moan as he really is a kind hearted guy but I just feel so unimportant, forgotten and alone. 

Parents
  • Have you considered how you come across to him?  

    Please forgive me if I say something that comes across incorrectly, but Aspies tend to be eternal children looking for life to be simple (no chaos, stress or hassle) and looking for fun and the sparkle in all that they do.  

    Have you looked at what you do that makes him lose interest in engaging with you?  

    What fun things did you used to do that brought you together?  

    It's unlikely that his views have changed so is it the fact that you have 'grown up' and left him behind the problem?

    Do you have hobbies and an interesting life to spark his interest?  (if all you want to do is watch Eastenders then he probably won't join you on the sofa).

    If you step back into his world, you might find he's 100% still there for you.

  • Thankyou for your response @plastic. It was really helpful to think of these things and have insight into an aspie world. I do recognise that I am pretty tired and fed up with a few things so my life probably has lost the spark that he noticed when we met. I do think I have ‘grown up’ because the reality is, life isn’t simple, it IS chaotic, stressful and with hassle. That’s just the truth. I like what you said about stepping into his world but I would also love some time when he at least tries to step into mine even if it does seem uninteresting to him. Isn’t that what sharing life and loving each other is about. I don’t want to be married to an eternal child. I don’t want to be his mother and my world is a grown up world and I am married to a grown up. I know I’m full of self pity right now I think I just need a place to say out loud that it’s hard, frustrating, lonely and disappointing. 

  • But why does life have to be stress & hassle?   The more chaotic life is, the less he will be inclined to want to engage with it.  When we're young, us aspies seem to manage ok - but as we get older, the processing involved in juggling all the complex balls of a neurotypical (NT) world takes its toll and it becomes very difficult to keep going.

    As an aspie, I feel like I'm only 16 inside - although I'm 53 on the outside.   We still try to find the fun in life - we go to Disney Florida, we still go to gigs and we are still up with current trends.  Growing up and becoming boring old farts is optional.   People tend to get stuck in the groove of being 'too old to do that' but why?  Pretending to be mature and competing with the Joneses doesn't actually make you happy so why bother?

    If you had a link when you were younger then why not re-ignite that link?   You say you dan't want to be with a child but do you really want to be with an old fart?  Doing childish things can be fun and exciting.

    I suspect you'll find he's equally frustrated at losing contact with you, but you may have moved too far out of his ability to understand your actions and motives that he literally has no idea what to do or say to you to re-establish communication or how to make you happy - or how to even talk to you.

    It may sound stupid, but you might need to have a long chat (calmly - no shouting or tears) with him to explain where you are now and what your expectations are (like to a child) so he can have a clue what he's supposed to be doing with you.  The gradual drift of life may have left him totally lost so you need to bring him up to speed with what you want.  From his point of view, he just wants stability and no arguements - so you need to be careful about confusing him with your emotions and to just consider what you say to him as a data transfer of facts and clues about dealing with you.

    If you want flowers from him, then say so - he might never work it out for himself. I'll bet he'd like to have his brain stimulated to find you the most interesting thing around so why not indulge one of his hobbies with him - demonstrate you value him.  See what happens.

Reply
  • But why does life have to be stress & hassle?   The more chaotic life is, the less he will be inclined to want to engage with it.  When we're young, us aspies seem to manage ok - but as we get older, the processing involved in juggling all the complex balls of a neurotypical (NT) world takes its toll and it becomes very difficult to keep going.

    As an aspie, I feel like I'm only 16 inside - although I'm 53 on the outside.   We still try to find the fun in life - we go to Disney Florida, we still go to gigs and we are still up with current trends.  Growing up and becoming boring old farts is optional.   People tend to get stuck in the groove of being 'too old to do that' but why?  Pretending to be mature and competing with the Joneses doesn't actually make you happy so why bother?

    If you had a link when you were younger then why not re-ignite that link?   You say you dan't want to be with a child but do you really want to be with an old fart?  Doing childish things can be fun and exciting.

    I suspect you'll find he's equally frustrated at losing contact with you, but you may have moved too far out of his ability to understand your actions and motives that he literally has no idea what to do or say to you to re-establish communication or how to make you happy - or how to even talk to you.

    It may sound stupid, but you might need to have a long chat (calmly - no shouting or tears) with him to explain where you are now and what your expectations are (like to a child) so he can have a clue what he's supposed to be doing with you.  The gradual drift of life may have left him totally lost so you need to bring him up to speed with what you want.  From his point of view, he just wants stability and no arguements - so you need to be careful about confusing him with your emotions and to just consider what you say to him as a data transfer of facts and clues about dealing with you.

    If you want flowers from him, then say so - he might never work it out for himself. I'll bet he'd like to have his brain stimulated to find you the most interesting thing around so why not indulge one of his hobbies with him - demonstrate you value him.  See what happens.

Children
No Data