Married to an Aspie

Can anyone relate to being married to a guy with Aspergers and feeling like his carer? Feel so lonely in our relationship and unless we do what motivates him or talk about his hobbies we literally don’t talk or spend time together. Don’t want to use this forum to moan as he really is a kind hearted guy but I just feel so unimportant, forgotten and alone. 

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  • I would also love some time when he at least tries to step into mine even if it does seem uninteresting to him. Isn’t that what sharing life and loving each other is about. I don’t want to be married to an eternal child. I don’t want to be his mother and my world is a grown up world and I am married to a grown up. I know I’m full of self pity right now

    Of course, relationship is about reciprocity and mutual support. He certainly need to join you in your 'world' and support you emotionally.

    He probably wants that badly too.

    I don't think Plastic meant being 'eternal child' literally, it is more like being 'forever young', open minded, adventurous and curious.

    I don't agree that aspies are children who need mothering. This is devaluing our contribution and failing to recognise our autonomy and self determination.

    You don't provide a lot of specific detail, but I came across various perspectives so I would refer to what I see as a broader trend. Please correct me if it does not apply to you. Please bare with me.

    That world of chaos and hassle... Some of it is unavoidable, but sometimes some of the aggravation in life is a choice, based on individual preferences. Different individuals would have different preferences and different priorities resulting from their preferences and limitations.

    Having autistic family means you can't keep up with the Joneses on everything and with the Kardashians on hardly anything. You can't juggle all the balls and should be prepared to agree which ones you are going to leave out. One should be prepared to de-prioritize a few things that other people find important, to break a few eggs and not being hard on ourselves about that. There is nothing you can do and life continues just fine without. There is no point in being frustrated about that. 

    Maybe it could help you to reframe your exhaustion and frustration? How about doing less? Stop doing things that cause most aggravation and least satisfaction? who needs them? Really?

    I came across  perspectives from spouses that are preoccupied with micro managing and controlling their families and the households in line with their neurotypical preferences and preoccupations that aspies find empty and intolerable, and hectoring their autistic partners for not complying with their exacting expectations of ticking all the boxes, doting all the i and crossing all the t. Your autistic family may consider those uncool, unnecessary, extraneous aggravations and may not be ready to join you in their pursuits.

    It there a possibility that you could declutter your 'grown up' world?  Focus on the important things? You might find that your husband is right there in it with you.

  • I don't think Plastic meant being 'eternal child' literally, it is more like being 'forever young', open minded, adventurous and curious.

    If you think of the millions of aspies in the word I believe this is too much of a  sweeping statement as were a similarly diverse bunch of people compared to NTs. For example, I've met a lot of autistics who are very closed minded and closed off. Plus, its often written (and this was my experience for a while) that many autistics become fixated with their beliefs, routines and rituals as its enables them to feel safe in a world that can be difficult to understand.

    If the OP is unhappy in her relationship it could be that her OH senses this and is clinginging to his safety nets of alone time and talking about his interests as a way of coping with the situation. 

  • feeling more comfortable reverting to a responsibility-free time of their lives.

    Is that a time when we are less conscious maybe of the judgement of others? Or, that the shackles of adulthood and its associated responsibilities are more difficult and nuanced to fathom when you are aspie?

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