My son speaks to me in a nasty way.

Hi, me again.  Just another thought.  My son has found keeping a private journal a great way to get rid of his frustrations.  He started writing it and adding a few stick men pictures and now opts for stick men pictures on all entries with speech bubbles - along the lines of comic strip conversations which can be great for a lot of kids with ASD.  Anything is worth a try. 

There is also a great book called A Volcano in my Tummy by Eliane Whitehouse and Warwick Pudney.  I was not too sure about all this anger management stuff to begin with but actually it is great.  It helps give them the tools to survive when in vulnerable situations such as being teased for example. It is aimed at teachers but can easily be adapted to use at home.  It has little excercises you can do together or you could just pick out the bits you like and want to try.  Not sure if they have it in the NAS library or if you have a CHIP+ near you.   

Hope things have got a bit easier for you.

I can totally understand what you are going through. It is very often hard not get upset when all you are trying to do is help them. My son is often horrible to me. I seem to get blamed for everything that goes wrong and am spoken to in a horrible way sometimes. He is only 5 but his anger towards me is sometimes disturbing, although I try not to take it to heart. I totally agree though, that he does it to me more as I am the one closest to him and it is safer for him to vent his frustration with me. I have also noticed that my son has started whispering to himself and the things he is saying under his breath are not very nice! Which is a bit of a worry. I have been reading people's advice and will try to use some of the methods with my son. I am glad you posted this discussion as it will help me too! Hope everything goes well with you.

Our son is 9 with Aspergers and we have similar outbursts after coping with the stress of school, particularly as unsupported currently.  We have been battling with swearing for about 8 weeks now which was picked up in the playground.  We were advised to write a family list of angry words we could use and demonstrate to our son the difference in how they can be said softly or angrily.  Drat, double drat and blast are some of ours. 

We decided on the list together and it is up on the fridge door and we all use these words and put a lot of passion into it and it seems to be working.  Previously we had been saying you must not say xyz but the focus actually needed to be on what he can say and do when full of frustration and anger as a release.  This approach is making a real difference and we only started a couple of days ago. 

Good luck

Hello again, pleased that my post may have helped a little as it is hard in sometimes knowing what to do for the best.

I feel that although the 'easy option' is to always give in that in turn is not maybe the right thing to do when trying to show that in life you cannot always have your own way and there is a consequence for inappropriate behaviour!  We now try hard to calmly explain to our son when he is in the 'throws' of a major tantrum that if he continues he will not be allowed to use the computer (he is totally obsessed).  Sometimes he will stop the tantrum and sometimes he will continue, in which case we will walk away until he calms down.  In the past we used to give in to him but what were we showing him ..... that he could act as he wanted and he could still do as he wanted.  We now 'stick to our guns' and after explaining that he will not be allowed to use the computer if his bad behaviour continues, if his bad behaviour does continue we do not allow him on the computer until we say ... even if it is only for a very short period of time.  

Sometimes he screams, yells, throws things at not being allowed on the computer but other times he is quiet and says 'sorry'.  We always allow him back on the computer but not before calmly explaining that the reason he was not allowed was because of his bad behaviour and the actions of his behaviour, i.e. screaming, throwing things, which made us unhappy.

Every day is a challenge and some days are very difficult and upsetting but there is never a day when I do not look at our son and feel proud, after all he is special!

"Sometimes I feel like I must be the worst mother in the world, then I remember that I am doing my very best, which is all anyone can do."

Hello myboy,  Thank you for your post, the comment you said which I've quoted above is certainly how I can feel at times.

It is so hard to know if you're doing the right thing.  I'll always question myself after various situations if I did the best thing.  I will keep trying my best as afterall that is all any of us can do for our children.

It does help knowing other people feel the same things and experience the same situations. 

Hello, I have just registered and have a 7 year old son with Aspergers.  You honestly sound just like me in that our son, although loving most of the time, can also become verbally rude and has been known to say some very hurtful things to his father and I.

We have numerous worries and have probably been too soft and easy going, having the attitude that sometimes it is just easier to 'give in' whilst also not being sure on the fine line between plain bad behaviour and, as we call it, 'the Asperger's showing itself'.  It is difficult to distinguish between the two and, as you rightly say, life for them socially is difficult and hard and we also have tried not to make it any harder!

Over time we have realised that the best way of dealing with our son's tantrums is to walk away, let him calm down in his own time and then try to explain why his behaviour was not acceptable and can only hope that he has understood.

It is difficult and frustrating at times but we know that if he is told off it is only for the right reasons just as he is praised for the right reasons. 

Sometimes I feel like I must be the worst mother in the world, then I remember that I am doing my very best, which is all anyone can do. 

Thank you for your reply Ming,  I am guilty of letting him get to much of his own way, I just want him to be happy as I know he can find life quite hard and I dont want to make it any harder for him.   I have just recently started to walk away when he starts having a tantrum, as me trying to calm him or talk to him when he is in a state tends to get him worse anyway.

Hello spiritwind,

Thanks for you response.  I totally agree that at home it is where he can just totally be himself.  I'm actually amazed that he manages his school day with no problems at all, the teachers all love him and think he is an angel. 

Thank you for your post colincat, I think I need to toughen up sometimes and not let what he says hurt me and a lot of the time I don't but every now and then I just think oh god why me !

IcedBaileys said:

Hello all.  This is my first post. 

My son has Aspergers and he is 6 1/2 years old.  My main issue with him at the moment is how he speaks to me and close friends and family. 

He seems to just snap at everything, the moment something is not quite as he wants it to be or if I ask him something, he just seems to speak in a nasty fashion.  I dont mean he swears at me, his voice is angry and he will growl. 

He is not like this at school, so it just seems to be how he is at home with me and his Dad, Grandma and Uncle and a few close friends.

I tell him to not speak like that, but I just feel over the years I have said that to him a thousand times.  I'm just not sure what action to take or how to try and make him understand that it is not nice.

It is not like he stays in a mood all day or for long, he will have his nasty moment and then be happy again, while I'm still left feeling hurt about how he was.

Any advice would be much appreciated, or even someone saying they have the same thing with there child.

I just feel so miserable right now, and if I'm honest ashamed of how he can be and how I appear to let him be, but I just don't know what to do.

Iced

 My 9 year old son in exactly the same.  He can be the perfect child at school but when he gets home he will explode.  Apparently this is quite common with ASD.  The effort it takes him to "fit in" at school is immense and he has to release the tension when he gets home.

We have had a couple of sessions with the child phycologist and she has advised us to basically ignore bad behaviour completely so as much as we want to tell him off or correct him we are to ignore it unless it is dangerous.  Sounds easy but it is not as we feel as parents we should have some sort of control.  We have implemented this as to be honest it works to a great extent.  There are still times when I react but on the whole we just walk away when he starts.  We also need make it clear to him what the consequences of bad behaviour and make sure the consequences are carried out.  So if we say if you do that we are not going to the playcentre on Friday.  If he does it we have to cancel the playcentre, we cannot give in and let him go anyway.   We always praise good behaviour but totally ignore the bad which can include threatening and swearing.  The other thing we have been told is that  things at home have to be as rigid at things at school.  He needs a very straight set of rules to follow to feel safe.  At first this felt really strange as we felt we were not loving him as we should.  It took us a long time to realise that giving in all the time was not doing him any favours. 

 

 

 

 

Hello Iced

I have been working with children and young ASD adults since the early 80's and am now carer to my 5 year old aspie grandson.
He too loses his temper, growls, shouts, hits when angry or frustrated.
He still does this outside the home but not to the extremes I see at home. This is i feel bcause at home he can be himself, he is safe to let go of the frustrations and stresses his Aspergers causes him. He is still young and not fully in control of his world, this causes him anxiety, frustration and more.
I know he does not mean what he says and that he is not personally directing his ire at me, i am however his safe person so who better to test himself on?
I tend to sit quietly or leave the room without responding until he has calmed down, then we discuss briefly whatever his problem was.
As he gets older he is learning better ways to cope with his outbursts, but as we all know Rome was not built in a day lol.... 
I play him Children's meditation and relaxation tapes when he goes to bed, it has been 2 months and he is gradually beginning to remember some of the words and techniques he hears on the CD's, anything that helps to calm his mind can only help.

Amazon have quite a good selection, you may like to take a look.

Hello Icedbaileys

Welcome to the forum and thank you for posting.

My son is very similar to yours.  Some days he cannot say anything nice to me at all but when he is out and about he has learnt to control himself.  When he comes home he almost lets off steam and is very nasty to me but I do take comfort in the fact that he does manage to hold himself in when he is out and about.  The comments that he makes are very hurtful and can be extremely rude.  He is much older than your son (18 years old) and I think that he has actually got better as the years have gone on.  He does still have some really awful days when he basically cannot say anything nice about anyone or anything and this is very much dependant on what kind of a day he had had.

Thanks for your reply Jaffa, we do use visual communication usually when trying to explain something to him or I tend to draw a picture of a routine I like to put in place.   I will give this a try.  

Are you using any non-visual communication?  Not because your son 'can't' talk, but because non-verbal might be easier for him to understand.

I have a fan with 3 smile faces I use with my child, it works both ways and we can show each other the relevant face (sad, straight and happy) to show how we feel.  Perhaps your son needs some help to understand that what he says makes you sad.

Also a reward chart can be good, carry it everywhere and put happy or sad faces on it at regular intervals.  It is important to record the happy times as well as the sad, or it's not a 'reward' chart but a 'punishment' chart.

School and clubs etc need to do the same.