Birthday parties

I think I have a thinking or processing face as people in work often ask if I'm ok but I'm just focussed on what I'm doing. No idea what that face looks like. I think I'm usually aware when I'm smiling but I smile for a second or 2 and then go back to what ever my normal face is.

I wouldn't have eaten the custard either. I'm not good with cream or sauces either (Although desserts can be an exception because I do like toffee and chocolate sauce). I don't like it when they put green bits on your main course either. I don't want to eat green bits. My diet is extremely limited.

I was totally agreeing with you until you got to the part about liking sparkles and glitter. I hate glitter - I don't mind it to look at but I hate it getting all over me. I don't do dressing up either - ever.

I like the presents but I find them awkward at work. Prefer to keep that to.the family. I won't do the work Secret Santa. Too stressful.

My mother was chatting to some parents outside my primary school in the late 1990s when the topic of birthday parties was brought up. One parent mentioned how birthday parties have become more sophisticated, and expensive, compared to what her generation had back in the 1970s. That was about 20 years ago now, but despite a worse economic climate in recent years, parents are still more than happy to spend money on extravagant parties for their kids. What has changed is that there is less emphasis on toys and more emphasis on experiences and entertainment.

They sound lovely! 

So interesting... we've got lots in common! I often don't know what the expression on my face is. I practise smiling in the mirror a lot. At social events I try to keep this in check but I probably look like thunder! 

Last Xmas I went to two Xmas work meals. One was an evening do. They put custard on my apple crumble when I asked them not to. I couldn't eat it - colleagues looked at me like I was a spoilt child.

Then I got obsessed with working out the correct deduction from the bill because I didn't have a pudding. I wasn't being mean, I just like things to be right. Don't think my colleagues were impressed by this either!

The other 'do' was a lunch. I had silver glitter in my hair and a penguin jumper on - no one else had dressed up. The person opposite had been 'let go' and no longer worked there. I asked what she was doing now, then she ignored me for the rest of the meal. 

Also tripped up by all that weird stuff about giving / not giving colleagues xmas cards and presents... it's so ridiculously complicated... makes Brexit look simple!

I really like sparkle, glitter and xmas lights, it's just people, presents and parties that stress me out! 

Yes common interests is always easier. That was a big thing that came up at my assessment. Familiar people with common interests are a million times easier.

I struggle with big events like weddings. Last time I went to one I got told I looked like I wanted to kill myself. I just had no idea what to do and couldn't start conversations with people. It was awful.

I can usually manage meals (as long as I've read the menu and know there is something I'll actually eat). It has to be with people I'm familiar with though or it's just awkward. 

I avoid work nights out like the plague. Even when it is just to the pub (which I am actually ok with for small amounts of time) but I think there are just too many people when it's a work event.

Dress codes cause a massive issue to any event too.

My favourite kind of invites are the ones that go  'I know this isn't your thing and I understand if you don't want to come but I just wanted to invite you.' If only everyone could be that understanding.

It was usually what ever I liked at the time so things like Noddy's car and Postman Pat's van. One year was a castle.

Forgot to say the cakes your dad made sound really wonderful! How lovely that they were in the shape of things you liked. Do you remember any favourite ones? 

That is so interesting - until Robert posted this question I hadn't thought much about birthday parties. Awkwardness and misunderstanding were common features once I got past the childhood party stage.

You are right about it being better to have some kind of activity to focus on. It's the small talk I find difficult and boring. Occasionally I meet someone with interests in common, then it's much easier. 

When I get a party invitation my heart sinks. Me and my husband got ourselves uninvited from my niece's wedding for "not taking it seriously enough". We were absolutely delighted and went out on our own instead. 

I have just accepted an invitation to a work xmas lunch and I am already regretting it. If I get my diagnosis I'm definitely cancelling. 

I've a similar experience to you Sunflower. I was fine with birthday parties as a child because they were structured and there was stuff to do. It didn't rely on having to make conversation. I don't particularly like being centre of attention either and cringe at people singing to me but as a child I loved blowing out the candles. My dad always made me a special birthday cake in the shape of something I liked so the cake was a big deal at my birthdays.

I don't have many memories of going to other people's birthday parties when I was little (apart from my brothers) but I'm sure that I did. My brothers were usually things like bowling and I was fine at that as again it had structure and involved doing something.

It was when I hit high school it started going wrong. I remember going to one person's birthday and we had done all the games, food etc and had been given time to play. Well I got awkward and didn't really know what to do. The person asked me if I was ok and I didn't know how to explain so I said I'm bored. Well that really upset the person so that didn't end well.

As I got older I was rarely invited to parties. I now know I wouldn't have coped with them anyway. I can't do parties that are full of people and loud music and expect you to dance, talk and be close to people.

Now I tend to avoid parties if possible. I can cope with a small gathering at someone's house. I've been to the odd 30th but generally don't stay very long or I spend the whole time sat there feeling really awkward.

That brings back memories! I didn't like using other people's toilets and bathrooms when I stayed away from home. Still don't like using shower blocks when we go campervanning. I'd rather wait and have a shower when I get home! 

I slept in living room on the carpet.  There were people sleeping on the stairs.  I climbed over them to get to the toilet.

The bit about some people being energised by being with other people was said to me by a Clinical Psychologist I saw for my autism assessment. I noticed it with my sister. If she was at home for an evening she would start pacing up and down and have to invite a friend round in the end. I was the exact opposite.

That party you ended up at in Stoke turned out to be quite an unusual experience. Just shows how women can be put under inappropriate pressure by men (the landlord). It would be creepy for me if someone came into a house I was renting while I was not there. Horrible that he tried to put them into a category 'bluestocking' used to put down women who stand up to men. 

Forty people is a big party and twenty staying over is a lot too! Did you get to sleep in a proper bed? I remember parties where people had to sleep all over the floor. I woke up after a party like that in London and saw a rat looking right back at me! 

Sunflower said:

Some people are energised when they are surrounded by other people - it's like recharging their battery to be in a noisy, crowded room

Well,.   I've learnt something new today.  I never thought of that.

I've been to birthday parties as an adult.  But I wasn't really invited and I turned up because of unusual circumstances.

Around 1990 I was going to a job interview in Stoke.  And a former friend offered me a lift by car because coincidentally he was visiting his girlfriend who was living in Stoke, while studying at the nearby university of Keele.

After my interview we visited his girlfriend.  Who was holding a birthday party.   And that day was an experience I will never forget.

We spent the afternoon preparing for the party.  Cooking food, setting up the tables etc.  The lady was sharing the house with two other female students.  Then the bad tempered landlord of this rented house turned up.  And things got very tense. 

While arguing with them he made sly comments several times about 'blue stockings'

The argument was mostly about the fact that they had changed the locks and were refusing to give him the new keys.  He wanted the keys because he owned the house.  The three girls refused because they were living there and he had previously come into the house without their knowledge or permission.

I asked them what he meant about 'blue stockings' and the woman explained. The the landlord was a straight thinking working class man, who thought that there was something strange about three unmarried women in their twenties, sharing a house.

The party itself was uneventful.  Around forty people. Half of them staying overnight, sleeping it off.  I only knew two people at the party and was glad to get home the following day.

Interesting question Robert.

When I was a young child I had birthday parties organised by my mum. They followed a set formula - pass the parcel, farmer's in the den, hunt the thimble - then birthday tea, sing happy birthday and blow out candles on the cake. i did not like being the centre of attention. Going to parties at other children's houses often felt very uncomfortable. 

Got trickier when I was a teenager. No set formula. Luckily my birthday is in the xmas school holiday so I could escape without a party. Relatives organised an 18th birthday party for me - family and neighbours with some of my brother's friends. I celebrated my 21st birthday by having egg and chips in a bus station cafe (much more my thing!) 

If it was up to me I wouldn't have had a wedding reception either - too much smiling - my face really hurt by the end. I knew I was supposed to be going round talking to people (there were only 20 there) but I just wanted to sit and listen to the music. 

I've had some real problems at parties in adult life - I now recognise these were probably meltdowns. Too much stress and noise. Entertaining people is incredibly difficult for me  - I've had meltdowns cooking xmas lunch so I don't do that anymore. We have a picnic. 

Some people are energised when they are surrounded by other people - it's like recharging their battery to be in a noisy, crowded room. It's the opposite for me - I feel drained. I can't see the point of being with people when you can't even hear what they're saying. It's a cliche but you'll always find me in the kitchen at parties (if I can bring myself to go, which is unlikely!) 

I've never understood either, although I had birthday parties when I was in primary school.

To be honest I think people like birthday parties because they get presents, i.e. it's a selfish thing.

The other day I was invited to a two year old birthday party. Completely over the top with a list on the internet with presents to buy (!) and 30 people coming. Needless to say I didn't go. Come on, these parents have enough money and put their kids in the crappiest diapers around and they themselves bought a cheapo gift for their own kid.

It was better for me not to go as at one point I would have made a comment that would have been honest but not nice...