Asperges and Dating

I like to weird people out and tell them that I am a "sapiosexual" - Google it...it is a "thing" - One who finds the content's of someone else's mind to be their most attractive attribute, above and before their physical characteristics.

"For many, defining oneself as Sapiosexual is also a statement against the current status quo of hookup culture and superficiality, where looks are prized above all else."

The spirit and kindness of someone gets me everytime.... 

I also think that didn’t help was, as you said, the fiction of love.  I.e you search for one etc, etc.  

We should perhaps teach to love personalities not looks?

on a lighter note.... I am not a princess....

lol...

the costume was too tight and the label itched! (aspie joke!)

There is an undeniable lack of understanding of what we offer and also the world "out there" keeps perpetuating the romantic ideal.... the "knight in shining armour" - the finding of a "princess" - true love, the happily ever after....

we then all become coached into being little knights and princesses...rather than appreciate and see who each other really is ... 

That’s always good.  I think though perhaps dating someone with Aspies is the way to go. I could be wrong because I think we have a better understanding of each other.

Agreed....there are still very hard-wired ideas about how relationships SHOULD function and how love should be demonstrated  (take the recent orchastra of "Valentines Day" a presecribed script of how love should be conveyed and its associate expectations)

However, there is a younger generation coming up that seem to be more tolerant - re: types of attraction, living arrangements, fluidity of gender, attraction etc etc

Well, I feel like that at the moment.  But perhaps it will happen one day for every aspie.

I don't think I'd put myself in another relationship again. I have strengths and abilities due to my background and aspie self..but I am very poor and understanding people...my experiences have included being in controlling and unhealthy relationships....bullying/coercive control...it has really quite broken me.... 

People are my kryptonite!  - I seem to wear a badge that says "people pleaser", "naive",....

I enjoy peoples intellect, honesty, humanity, kindness...but would not venture too close again...

I found myself in the first meetings to be extremely anxious.

I could not say a word. The best I can do - answer Yes and No.

I even do not ask questions myself.

I felt that the words were simply flowing like rivers. Extremely overwhelming.

Have you had the same experience?

Now I do not do dates anymore. I do not think that I can be successful. It is extremely stressful and takes so much time and energy. I feel completely drained.

All of the above makes sense.  But of course you need to be in a relationship/date first.

I also definitely miss the big picture. I also have trouble picking up when I've upset someone or made them annoyed if they are trying to hide it. And then by the time they finally lose their temper it seems to have come out of nowhere to me. So the shock and confusion play a part in me not finding the right words (or sometimes any words).

I am the same.

From Tony Attwoods - Complete Guide to Aspergers:

"

• The male partner with Asperger’s syndrome:

Many women describe their first impression of their partner, who at this stage may not have had a diagnosis, as someone who is kind, attentive and slightly immature: the highly desirable ‘handsome and silent stranger’.

There can be a strong maternal compassion for the person’s limited social abilities.

The attractiveness of a man with Asperger’s syndrome as a partner can be enhanced by his intellectual abilities, career prospects and degree of attention to his partner during courtship.

The partner with Asperger’s syndrome is usually a late developer in terms of emotional and relationship maturity.

Many women have described how their partner with Asperger’s syndrome resembled their father.

Men with Asperger’s syndrome are often less concerned about their partner’s physique than other men, and also less concerned about age or cultural differences.

• While men with Asperger’s syndrome tend to seek a partner who can compensate for their difficulties in daily life – that is, someone from the other end of the continuum of social and emotional abilities – women with Asperger’s syndrome often seek a partner with a personality similar to themselves.

• Problems in the relationship:

The courtship may not provide an indication of the problems that can develop later in the relationship.

The initial optimism that the partner with Asperger’s syndrome will gradually change and become more emotionally mature and socially skilled can dissolve into despair that social skills are static due to limited motivation to be more sociable.

The most common problem for the non-Asperger’s syndrome partner is feeling lonely.

The non-Asperger’s syndrome partner often suffers affection deprivation which can be a contributory factor to low self-esteem and depression.

The person with Asperger’s syndrome may express his or her love in more practical terms than through gestures of affection.

A metaphor for the need and capacity for affection is that typical people have a bucket that needs to be filled, whereas people with Asperger’s syndrome have a cup that is quickly filled to capacity.

Clinical and counselling experience suggests that there are three requisites for a successful relationship. The first is that both partners acknowledge the diagnosis. The second requisite is motivation for both partners to change and learn. The third is access to relationship counselling modified to accommodate the profile of abilities and experiences of the partner with Asperger’s syndrome.

There are strategies to assist the non-Asperger’s syndrome partner, namely to develop a network of friends to reduce the sense of isolation and re-experience the enjoyment of social occasions."

Yes, I am always extremely loyal and loving inside. Probably, I do not show the love and others do not see it.

TheTalentedMute said:

I also find with any relationship you decide what you need and hold dear and what you can live with... it is called "compromise" - maybe some things are just non-negotiable!

I like what you wrote here. Completely agree with you.

Yes, I am remarkably good at attending to detail.

It is often difficult for me understanding the overall picture.

Yes, I stress about each individual fallout and upset and cant see the bigger picture.

TheTalentedMute said:

But it does not mean that we don't care, cant love, and be exceptionally lovely people :)

Completely agree with you!

Also forgot the girl who in my teens strung me along via text and then “dumped me on Christmas Day.”

Strung along by telling me she was someone else etc, I got intimate with, not in a sleazy way.

So yeah.

So here is my dating history.  This is genuine.  I am about to start the process of referral for diagnosis. 

So I am different and got picked on:

Valetines day when 13-14: Girls send Valentine to me at school saying

“Roses are red, violets are blue, no girls will ever like you.”

Then ask girl out: Fail, though before being shot down the process helped me write a good story for GCSE.

Girl I liked but didn’t got shot down.  

Then i I started studying human behaviour. So then asked girls out whose pupils would dilate when they saw me.  This included sending roses etc.

Then tried online dating, but found out they were scammers.  Luckily didn’t part with cash etc. 

Tried text dating with services, fail.

So in the end I have given up.  Women like me, but find me too weird.  

So I am adjusting to a life bymyself. 

Though I would like to be a relationship, I am honest with myself it’s not going to happen. 

Yes i definitely miss the big picture. And i have trouble picking up when i've upset someone or made them annoyed if they are trying to hide it. And then by the time they finally lose their temper it seems to have come out of nowhere to me. So the shock and confusion play a part in me not finding the right words (or sometimes any words). But yes, i'm 100% loyal!

we can be very loyal, and loving...and give 100% of ourselves...but we are also human and fallible... just like anyone else.... 

I also find with any relationship you decide what you need and hold dear and what you can live with... it is called "compromise" - maybe some things are just non-negotiable!

Not only understanding the subtleties of someone else's needs and expectations but we aspies can be remarkably good at attending to detail but can find it difficult perceiving and understanding the overall picture, or gist.....you stress about each individual fallout and upset...but cant see the bigger picture.

..and, when you do...sometimes it is too late!

Adopting different strategies and so stuck in a rut of my own behavioural routines can also mean that the way forward is not always reached.

But it does not mean that we don't care, cant love, and be exceptionally lovely people :)

I think that people often think that I do not care.

But, in reality, I care a lot of things.

For some reason, it appears to other people that I do not care but I care.