Asperges and Dating

TheTalentedMute said:

On a side note...because I function well in other areas...I guess a partner suspects that I’m performing badly out of not trying...but I find it difficult..particularly as my Aspie nature is not understood

I have noticed the same thing with me.

TheTalentedMute said:

it can be so emotionally draining and I always get it wrong trying to judge the subtle and not so subtle nuances of being with someone... I do each time affirm the fact that I am pretty rubbish...but still expectations remain too high for me to get it right and that causes frustration and resentment!

I completely agree with you.

It can be so emotionally draining and I always get it wrong trying to judge the subtle and not so subtle nuances of being with someone... I do each time affirm the fact that I am pretty rubbish...but still expectations remain too high for me to get it right and that causes frustration and resentment!

I have exactly the same experience.

I also have to say that I find relationships tiring.

I feel like it takes up too much of my brain to maintain them and I can't concentrate on everything at once.

And break-ups take me extremely long time to recover from. They are horrible experiences for me. I never want to experience them again.

ProtectorOfTheSmall said:

and i can't find the words to make them understand.

Yep....thats the one.....it gets stuck in the head, or the throat....but can come out a garbled mess of so much feeling, confusion, hurt and being like a lost child.... 

It can easily defeat you when you feel unable to make things better...but you so want to... 

Oh i definitely get that. When you're really trying your best and the other person says 'if you could just make some effort for once...' They have no idea, they think you just don't care and i can't find the words to make them understand.

On a side note...because I function well in other areas...I guess a partner suspects that I’m performing badly out of not trying...but I find it difficult..particularly as my Aspie nature is not understood

Now.... where can I find a nunnery...one with a wine cellar! Lol

....yes they do and it can be so emotionally draining and I always get it wrong trying to judge the subtle and not so subtle nuances of being with someone... I do each time affirm the fact that I am pretty rubbish...but still expectations remain too high for me to get it right and that causes frustration and resentment! Happy days 

I just find relationships really tiring. I feel like it takes up too much of my brain to maintain them and i can't concentrate on everything at once. And break-ups take me a long time to recover from.

ProtectorOfTheSmall said:

I've not dated anyone since i self-diagnosed and i haven't really thought about doing so due to all the bad experiences i've had.

An interesting point.... I have gone through a series of failed and some nasty relationships...and am considering throwing in the towel in terms of any future relationships. Was this to protect yourself, or others? Or just emotionally worn out and bruised by it all? You don’t have to answer that...it can remain rhetorical... 

i need the company of others, I am enjoying my time so far here as I am able to express myself...but don’t think I’m good enough to be someone’s partner... too many flaws and Aspie traits.  I’m just trying to work my own self out at the moment.

I also think that I make poor first impression.

I am extremely anxious when meeting the person.

I think I could only be with someone who understands autistic people and would be happy to be with an autistic person.

I think it's fair to say i struggle with all aspects of dating and relationships! Looking back at my previous experiences it makes a lot more sense now i know more about Asperger's. I've not dated anyone since i self-diagnosed and i haven't really thought about doing so due to all the bad experiences i've had.

But Evan makes an interesting point there about when to mention it. It's a tricky one. Ideally i think i would mention it straight away because i tend to make a poor first impression, but then maybe that would make the other person uncomfortable. I don't know.

Hi.  No real experience.  I can relate completely to you.  I know I have a great capacity to love and be love yet....

The download on how you are meant to date, love and relationships I didn’t receive.  Unfortunately it seems the PDF has also gone missing. 

By the way, watch dating sites, I was targeted by scammers on well known sites.  Yet I am savvy or sceptical enough not to fall for it.

Matthew

Exactly with the right people you can be at your best I am the same. It will happen you will eventually meet that person and the puzzle pieces will fit together!

Part of that probably comes from the fact that to open up to someone, give them the ability to be part of your life you also give them the ability to hurt you as well. 

I don't think I'm better off alone or with someone, but I think it needs to be the right person.

I don't have meltdowns etc. but I do like my own space sometimes so in theory living with someone would have been a problem, but I've recently bought a four bedroom house, so even if I needed a bit of my own space I can just go and hide in the study and work or play games for a bit) and there's plenty of space so we wouldn't always need to be in immediate proximity (if I'm cooking I like to be left to it, but there's a table at the other end of the kitchen that they could sit at and chat) That being said I also hope that with the right person I wouldn't really feel the need to get away from them as I've found that I don't feel the need to have my own space with certain family members or friends.

I read a thread about a lot of people with asperges being asexual. I thought i was for a while but i definitely experience attraction. 

I can relate with you on the last part. I think where we are such individual people and our thought process is so much more everything just seems to affect us that much more it does make it more difficiult me personally the thought of living with someone scares me. That being said my cousin has asperges and he is married and got children and seemingly manages quite well. It really does depend on the individual but also is down to us to make sure we choose the right person when i say that i mean someone that we can open up to and connect without any fears.

I don't do dating.  I meet someone by chance, or I don't meet them at all.  It needs to happen naturally.

Which is a bit of a problem, as I don't understand flirtation signals.  I've missed some opportunities because of this.

Finally, I've never been successful in sustaining a relationship.  I don't manage cohabitation very well... and I get separation anxiety!

I have to say that I've never felt entirely comfortable - entirely 'right' psychologically - when I've been in a relationship.  In part it could be because my guard is down, and I lay myself open with my emotional vulnerabilities.  Meltdowns, breakdowns, mood disorders, suicide attempts... they've all been connected with relationships. 

I guess I'm just better off alone!  Certainly, I'm more psychologically stable.

First and final date 17 years ago.

Hugged a pessimistic cactus.

Told me I was weird - then left me.

I dont get attached fast I am the opposite but for some reason who ever I date gets attached quickly.