Published on 12, July, 2020
What are your experiences with dating and do you find it difficult to maintain a relationship? I find communication hard sometimes and can come across cold.
So here is my dating history. This is genuine. I am about to start the process of referral for diagnosis.
So I am different and got picked on:
Valetines day when 13-14: Girls send Valentine to me at school saying
“Roses are red, violets are blue, no girls will ever like you.”
Then ask girl out: Fail, though before being shot down the process helped me write a good story for GCSE.
Girl I liked but didn’t got shot down.
Then i I started studying human behaviour. So then asked girls out whose pupils would dilate when they saw me. This included sending roses etc.
Then tried online dating, but found out they were scammers. Luckily didn’t part with cash etc.
Tried text dating with services, fail.
So in the end I have given up. Women like me, but find me too weird.
So I am adjusting to a life bymyself.
Though I would like to be a relationship, I am honest with myself it’s not going to happen.
From Tony Attwoods - Complete Guide to Aspergers:
"
• The male partner with Asperger’s syndrome:
Many women describe their first impression of their partner, who at this stage may not have had a diagnosis, as someone who is kind, attentive and slightly immature: the highly desirable ‘handsome and silent stranger’.
There can be a strong maternal compassion for the person’s limited social abilities.
The attractiveness of a man with Asperger’s syndrome as a partner can be enhanced by his intellectual abilities, career prospects and degree of attention to his partner during courtship.
The partner with Asperger’s syndrome is usually a late developer in terms of emotional and relationship maturity.
Many women have described how their partner with Asperger’s syndrome resembled their father.
Men with Asperger’s syndrome are often less concerned about their partner’s physique than other men, and also less concerned about age or cultural differences.
• While men with Asperger’s syndrome tend to seek a partner who can compensate for their difficulties in daily life – that is, someone from the other end of the continuum of social and emotional abilities – women with Asperger’s syndrome often seek a partner with a personality similar to themselves.
• Problems in the relationship:
The courtship may not provide an indication of the problems that can develop later in the relationship.
The initial optimism that the partner with Asperger’s syndrome will gradually change and become more emotionally mature and socially skilled can dissolve into despair that social skills are static due to limited motivation to be more sociable.
The most common problem for the non-Asperger’s syndrome partner is feeling lonely.
The non-Asperger’s syndrome partner often suffers affection deprivation which can be a contributory factor to low self-esteem and depression.
The person with Asperger’s syndrome may express his or her love in more practical terms than through gestures of affection.
A metaphor for the need and capacity for affection is that typical people have a bucket that needs to be filled, whereas people with Asperger’s syndrome have a cup that is quickly filled to capacity.
Clinical and counselling experience suggests that there are three requisites for a successful relationship. The first is that both partners acknowledge the diagnosis. The second requisite is motivation for both partners to change and learn. The third is access to relationship counselling modified to accommodate the profile of abilities and experiences of the partner with Asperger’s syndrome.
There are strategies to assist the non-Asperger’s syndrome partner, namely to develop a network of friends to reduce the sense of isolation and re-experience the enjoyment of social occasions."
All of the above makes sense. But of course you need to be in a relationship/date first.
I have dated someone on the spectrum before. He was, and still is, the most amazing person I've ever met, and I think he always will be. He was so clever and funny and we had the most incredible conversions about life and the universe. Topics you just do not talk to most people about because they wouldnt be interested. We would also sit for hours just happy in each others company not saying a word. I usually find silence awkward but it was as if we didnt need words to communicate. BUT we did amplify each other. By that I mean my anxiety went through the roof, he would be depressed and difficult sometimes, and that would make me depressed, and I had no mechanisms to be comforting as I'm not good at that. That relationship ended in a fireball of madness. So from my experience dating someone on the spectrum is Exra. The best bits are better in every way but the bad bits are worse in every way. My current partner is very understanding and we get along just fine without the drama. He actually says I'm the best ever because I don't mind him playing computer games all evening, which I like because I get to spend evenings doing something alone like reading. I do have to admit that I miss the other guy sometimes because the intensity of what we had I don't think I will ever experience again. But sometimes in life you are faced with difficult choices. At the end of the day, all you need is someone to accept you for who you are.
I thought it was something I was supposed to do because others did.
I did not enjoy the experience. I did not like.
Is that related to Asexuality?
That's a good point. There are many ways to approach being in a relationship, so if you can find someone who shares the same aims it could potentially work. There are definitely more people now that are content not to live together (if they can afford it).
If dates make you that nervous, it was brave of you to try.
I think silence is taken to be creepy. Especially with guys.
Hmmm... to me it is a complete opposite.
I love silence. I can focus the best in silence.
If I had a partner, I would like to sit together in silence and enjoy it together.
That’s true. I think silence is taken to be creepy. Especially with guys.
TheTalentedMute said:And there is nothing wrong with silence! - aspies crave it...NTs seem frightened of it! :)
I have noticed the same thing!
And there is nothing wrong with silence! - aspies crave it...NTs seem frightened of it! :)
The aspie didn’t know how to reply.
Lol...when you hit middle age (like me)....im hitting the Sapio road!! The looks might have faded by the self is still firing on all cylinders! (for the moment, anyhow!) - hehe
it have you time, read the link below. Its about a woman called "Ellie" who talks about the potential benefits of aspie - to - aspie relationships. But all relationships are different
https://seeingdoubleautismawareness.wordpress.com/2016/08/19/autism-and-romantic-relationships-aspies-dating-aspies/
Nice.
I like to weird people out and tell them that I am a "sapiosexual" - Google it...it is a "thing" - One who finds the content's of someone else's mind to be their most attractive attribute, above and before their physical characteristics.
"For many, defining oneself as Sapiosexual is also a statement against the current status quo of hookup culture and superficiality, where looks are prized above all else."
The spirit and kindness of someone gets me everytime....
I also think that didn’t help was, as you said, the fiction of love. I.e you search for one etc, etc.
We should perhaps teach to love personalities not looks?
on a lighter note.... I am not a princess....
lol...
the costume was too tight and the label itched! (aspie joke!)
There is an undeniable lack of understanding of what we offer and also the world "out there" keeps perpetuating the romantic ideal.... the "knight in shining armour" - the finding of a "princess" - true love, the happily ever after....
we then all become coached into being little knights and princesses...rather than appreciate and see who each other really is ...
That’s always good. I think though perhaps dating someone with Aspies is the way to go. I could be wrong because I think we have a better understanding of each other.
Agreed....there are still very hard-wired ideas about how relationships SHOULD function and how love should be demonstrated (take the recent orchastra of "Valentines Day" a presecribed script of how love should be conveyed and its associate expectations)
However, there is a younger generation coming up that seem to be more tolerant - re: types of attraction, living arrangements, fluidity of gender, attraction etc etc
Well, I feel like that at the moment. But perhaps it will happen one day for every aspie.