Do you ever offend other people unintentionally, like me?
I try to live a quiet life, not bothering other people. But other people expect me to behave in a particular way and get very upset at things that don't really concern them.
A recent example is how I upset me sister, by not inviting her to my graduation ceremony.
Beforehand nothing was mentioned or discussed. I never had any intention of going to the ceremony. The idea of getting dressed up and being seen on stage by hundreds of people terrified me. Since the ceremony was optional I turned down the invitation and the two guest tickets.
A week later I got a very distressed phone call from my sister, trying to invite herself to my ceremony. She had assumed from the beginning that she would be invited.
End result was that she was so upset. I got uninvited to her family Christmas.
We over analyse everything but still slip up.....frequently.....I often think...why did I open my mouth! Lol
i have a mother, sister and brother who I have been estranged with from for the past three years....it hurts a great deal..but I cannot find the strength to try and find out why or attempt to resolve the situation...it unearths too much past trauma.
it seems a childish response to cut you from the Christmas celebrations....tit for tat....
i attended my masters graduation in the summer....my OH invited my dad and his wife...it became their event....they enjoyed it on their terms.....I hated every minute as I wanted to privately acknowledge this achievement. It may have been my fourth time graduating....but this was my last and I wanted it to be a reflective experience.....and not what it was...I knew what I had achieved....my guests did not know the work I had produced and how much of myself I had put into it.
christmas I am also dreading, again because it is their event....I will want to seek out quiet places and only join in when I feel comfortable and not threatened by their need for me to perform .
thinking of you x
I can see your sisters point; however, she also has some responsibility in this. Did she sit you down and speak to you and ask, as a massive favour, if you would consider going to your graduation so she could attend, and in return, she would do something with you afterwards, that you would enjoy? It’s a two way street. Maybe if you had been asked about it and given time to consider it, you may or may not have decided to go, but at least she would have seen that you had considered it and if the answer was still no, then I would hope that even if she didn’t like the answer, she would accept it and learn how to gatecrash a graduation so she’s not relying on anybody else!
To elaborate further. Me and my sister are very different socially. People who know us both don't believe we are related. She is a party animal, clubbing into the early hours in her youth. I suffer panic attacks walking into crowded places and I have lost consciousness several times when I ignored the warning signs.
Just a short post-script. My brother's wife is a narcissist, and very adept at manipulation and wrong-footing. I think it was actually she who was behind the 'taking offence' regarding my not inviting my brother to the Registry Office. She saw it as the done and proper thing, and convinced my brother likewise. I don't think it would have bothered him too much - but he's her puppet, so he moves to her string-pulls. Another issue came up with the wedding reception. My ex-wife and I were both vegetarians, so we enlisted the help of a top-class vegetarian chef to prepare a fantastic vegetarian spread for us. Once she found out, though, she said 'Then we'll bring our own food. We eat meat, and you really should be catering for meat-eaters, too.' In the end, to save any grief, we scrubbed the idea. We just went to a local pub, where people could order whatever they wanted and we paid the bill. They couldn't make a single concession on it, just for that day, in accordance with our wishes. We were gratified, at least, by the fact that everyone ordered vegetarian food - except them! She even took control when it came to my mother's funeral earlier this year. Apparently, as her son and (at the end) principal carer, I had no right to invite non-family members to come to mum's bedside on the night she passed. Comments were made about my inviting one of mum's other favourite carers - a woman who'd lost her own mother just a year earlier, and who treated mum as she would have done her own mother. The poor woman was made to feel so uncomfortable that she decided not to come to the funeral. That was the final straw for me. I've now cut ties with them. And if they're offended by that.... tough!
In answer to your question, yes I do sometimes offend people unintentionally.
However in the scenario you describe I'm not sure that I'd say it was a situation that should have caused offence. You had decided not to go and therefore there was no scope for your sister to go. That's different to not inviting her if you were going (which depending on who you chose to invite in her place may or may not be offensive to her).
I'm inclined to agree with other comments that your sister doesnt understand your perspective on this. By shutting you out she's not being terribly helpful in trying to understand either.
Hopefully she'll calm down or someone will suggest to her to talk to you about it more rationally.
I think you may need to help her out a bit by explaining your perspective to her. Hopefully she'll understand that its not a personal affront to her.
I think often offence can occur when people make assumptions without bothering to check if they're right. Often by correcting the assumptions by explaining where you're coming from will be sufficient to resolve things.
I must admit I have a similar family member who tends to take a very emotional reaction on instinct. Many a time we've had to leave her to calm down before we can even talk to her about why she over-reacted. That happens for both me and NT people with her.
Sometimes people will be offended whether you're NT or ND. It's just their perspective on the world that means they are like that.
BTW I have made peace with my sister. All this happened a few years ago.
Sometimes I envy people who don't work. Especially when I'm the target of someone's anger in a three hour meeting.
I didn't say I don't work.
I don't have paid employment.
I also have meetings.
I am on the infamous Universal Credit. Every week I have a 30min meeting with my work coach at the job centre to explain how I spend 35 hours per week job seeking. Then an hour long meeting with another advisor at a private employment agency (contracted out to the job centre) about what jobs I'm applying for. Regular courses on job seeking, CV advice. Interview advice. Actual interviews. Etc.
Always short of money. Threats of eviction because I'm behind in rent, dealing with legal matters like being taken to court for claiming free prescriptions ( to which I am entitled to).
More meetings. With employment advisor for city council,. Meetings with mental health specialists.
I often have three or four formal meetings in a week.
Then there are the phone calls . Up to 45 min on a single call listening to piped music trying to get something done.
It's all enough to drive me to suicide.
This Post is written for the sake of common courtesy, to extend a great "Thank You" to those who replied (DeepThought and Blue Ray)... My initial thought, upon seeing replies (*from real people!?!*) was:"VINDICATION!!!"... and I can see how this "Internet" business has its appeal. But I still cannot do "live chat", or E-Mail, or even "Private-Message", and this whole business still makes me as hesitant and nervous as when speaking face-to-face...Yet I post this as a genuine Thank You; and in closing, I add that I eventually figured that the REAL reason for my pseudo-expulsion from school... was due to reasons nothing-more-or-less than the fact that I had just turned Sixteen, and so they were no longer Legally Obliged to "put up with me" anymore...(!). End of Post.
I'm surprised by your post.
It seems like a contradiction.
Common courtesy !?!?!?
You right a thank you post as common courtesy, yet you were expelled from school?? For your behaviour.
I and many autistics have been accused of lacking Common courtesy.