Stuck and terrified

It's awful what he has done to you. Did he write ließ in the form? Can you maybe try again without informant? If you have school reports then maybe you can go without informant. I have no informant because I don't trust my parents. My mom would deliberately lie in the form only to not have me diagnosed with autism,  my father was abusive and I don't trust him too. I can only go without informant with the information that I have collected. 

Hi. I’m back after being in the sin bin.

I am waiting to be seen by a group, who are experts in understanding the neurodivergent area.

They will be giving me my official diagnosis for high-functioning autism.

They asked me to give a form to a person who had known me from when I was only a boy. I was naive to think that when I gave my father the form to fill in for me, that he wouldn’t backstab me. That he wouldn’t choose my mother over me.

Instead of helping me get some closure, on many years of abuse, neglect, confusion, he opted to receive temporary happiness, given by a person who has tortured me relentlessly, and so badly, that they plague my nightmares.

Sleepless nights. Being ignored. Dealing with the same things.

I am truly…

…alone.

Yes, I heard that an experienced diagnostician would know within first few seconds if they deal with an autistic person or not. 

Thank you for your answer. Yes, the not knowing is also exhausting. I wanna join a group I crave friends but don't know how to make them. I'm also scared of the group but wanna try. Dx could also help me at work if needed, I wouldn't disclose but if they push on me doing driver license,  then I would disclose it as a reason why I can't.

I had no medical records. I also had no s hool reports or things indicating I had childhood issues. My parents also told them I the interview there was nothing wrong with me.

I still got diagnosed. They used my memories, or lived experience, plus my obvious presentation to judge.

Like I've said before, they decided before we formally started, the issue was just finding enough evidence to tick the boxes.

I did it privately though with someone quite experienced. I can't say the process is the same everywhere.

But I also wouldn't be completely scared their aren't solutions to your worries.

Worrying so much is also partly evidence. 

Thank you, yes you are right, I experience a Mix of emotions. I also worry about one more thing- medical records that I lack, especially these from my childhood. I have some evidence (weak) about my development, but if they need my medical records, then hmm unfortunately it's impossible. My mom threw them out long ago. I only remember having an encephalogramme at age 7 and I have email where my father wrote me how I was in my childhood and sent me some copies of my pictures from that period. My school reports say nothing about my behaviour only "well behaved" and I received some praise for 100% presence. And they reflect to some degree my spikey profile, but it may not be enough for them.

Alien0n3arth said:

lot

Work is built around social functions, less to do with how well people perform individually sometimes just how they sit in a team. It can feel in retrospect like a lot of the over compensating on my part (often feeding into systems which don’t work anyway- who am I to say?). I’m a bit of a worrier although you might not know it I want everything/every part to work well, although I’m long beyond thinking everyone will get along. I do believe the world can be much better. I feel the workplace should be more inclusive - even if NTs only consider my diversity as a different working style (that is a start) I am still hopeful they can see why I am doing it that way. Because we are also usually reason driven, we don’t seek stimulation or gratification as the job is never done imo. Health is the reason I left the workplace as the job ( can’t be sure if it was the pep) was killing me. 

as an aside I’ve been think a lot about how things develop, language technologies normalities. I felt and still feel a lot of things about the 20th century were missfires, phallic buildings and neurotypical designed workplaces built around the ego stifled creativity and human equality. The vocabulary we have now doesn’t need to be limited like this, we can alternate and diversity how we design and learn. There does not have to be one master plan, this seems to be a fundamental human flaw - to assume we were right about everything before because we have a monument. 

I am constantly reminded again and again in my life and work and relationships of how people are making my life difficult, their thinking seems to be if I am not given work, I have no money, I'm not going to be here.  Neurodivergence is becoming more powerful, its own community. Someone said to me the other day its like this (although I'm not sure its how Id put it) we are like an army of struck down Obe-wans.

Hi, I’m so sorry you have been struggling, only my opinion but I think you need to know why you are different, a final definitive answer. I think the pressure of always wondering is causing you harm. It’s constantly going around in your mind and causing you mental problems.

The thought of a chat group would cause me constant anxiety, only my opinion again but Autistic people hate the unknown, the thought of meeting strangers is scary, just even thinking about it is scary . We like to know, who, why, when and how? The thought of attending would have to be thoroughly examined, does this sound familiar?

A support group is something I’ve been thinking about, I think we have a need to communicate with our own, once there I would most probably enjoy it, the thought of going is terrifying.

I’m not trained in anyway but I think you know the reason you are different, go for an assessment, the result is private, you don’t have to share it with anyone. You’re a good person and have been wondering and in flux for too long.

What would be the worst thing that could happen if you were diagnosed as being autistic, something you've felt for all the time you've been here?

Going to a group would scare me too, I'd worry about being judged for being older, female and not techy.

Maybe your therapist want's you to have a diagnosis so it gives him indicators on how to help you best? As many here have experienced, not all therapies work so well for autists.

It sounds like you're being ganged up on by "what if's", I think it's perfectly normal under the circumstances to over think and let the what if's have free reign, but I think you now need to round them up and put them back in thier place, ask yourself what if that thing didn't happen?

I hope you get what you need from this nightmarish process you're going through, you've always seemed to me, a kind and thoughtful person from your posts on here, maybe it's time to turn some of that kindness onto yourself?

It's OK, thank you for your contribution anyway, it helps me. I remember you wrote, that higher achievements often go with sacrifice like meltdowns, mental breakdowns etc. In my case it is this way. I paid a lot with my health to achieve what I managed to.

this is an important thread which deals with disclosure. I don’t think the change from knowing with diagnosis is any more than your deep suspicion. We can’t be anyone but ourselves anyway.

Sorry Alien I double posted then deleted both  @Moderator is there any way to get this and the reply back please?

I sense that you are experiencing real panic and distress - I’m really sorry you’re under so much pressure at the moment. Getting a diagnosis will be ok, and not getting a diagnosis will be ok. What matters is that you take care of yourself now, and focus on what’s happening day by day and finding ways to calm your nervous system and improve your overall well being. 
Please don’t worry about not being accepted by other autistic people - bear in mind that virtually all 9f us at one point didn’t have a diagnosis either. We all get to this point at different stages in life. It’s ok - please don’t worry about that. Look how accepting and kind everyone on this forum is - it’s a very friendly environment and not judgmental in my experience.

You're bound to be experiencing complex and confusing emotions about getting a diagnosis- I think that’s entirely normal and to be expected. 
Try to accept that at the moment your emotions regarding this are going to be ‘up and down’ - rather than worrying about them. 
It’s good that you’re feeling a bit more stable this week than last week. Take it day by day, focus on doing what brings you comfort and happiness, and lean on those loved ones who are able to support you as you work your way through this. You’re not alone, and many people have been through this too. Hopefully the side effects from your medication will improve soon - they generally do apparently. 

Hello Alien0n3arth 

Thank you for sharing how you've been feeling with the Community. I'm sorry that this has been a difficult time for you, with uncertainty around seeking an Autism diagnosis. Many people feel this way whilst waiting for a potential diagnosis, so you're not alone. You may find it useful to have a look at our information and advice on Assessment and diagnosis: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/diagnosis/assessment-and-diagnosis

You may also like to have a look on our services directory for alternative groups that may be suitable for you: https://www.autism.org.uk/autism-services-directory

I hope this helps,

Chloe Mod

Thank you for your kind words, yes I'm glad I made it till I saw the doctor.  I wrote on a paper what I had to say, but couldn't. He said it looks like autism and that I need an assessment and that the doctors would also help me with meds. He said its nothing bad I used meds from my previous prescription. He confirmed that I take them properly. 

Thank you, the groups here (eastern germany) all of them require formal diagnosis,  I know because I tried already,  contacted them and this us the answer. 

Will people know if you don't tell them?

If they don't know they can't bully you more or less. It is information for you. If someone notices you going to appointments you don't need to say what they are for, you can just say mental health.

You will have someone to talk to for a short period who is interested in you. They may be able to suggest things that could help. Even if they offer nothing, you will not be any worse off.

Instead of thinking about what is the worst that could happen, also think about what is the best that could happen. The truth will probably be somewhere in the middle.

Thank you, yes your response is absolutely objective and brings me back to the reality! I do need help with my mental health issues and I think it's better to get it now instead of waiting till it's too bad and too late.

Thank you, yes, it's morning here, I just woke up and red your response. It helps. For me it's not a failure, I'm scared of being even more bullied and isolated. I have some plans, but the diagnosis itself shouldn't destroy them, because I have a history of being employed and passing courses, so it should matter more than my issues.

Don't give up on the support group idea. Not all such groups require a formal assessment/diagnosis. For example, I have recently joined one run by DIFFERabled Scotland that is open to adults who have been diagnosed, are thinking about it, or simply self-identify as neurodivergent.

If you are autistic, a diagnosis is just a confirmation, nothing more. It has no effect on who you are. Nothing objectively scary.

Autistic people tend to be rather more understanding of problems and people's foibles than the average Joe. Nothing objectively scary.

Whether or not you are autistic, if you have mental health problems, you should receive appropriate medical help. Nothing objectively scary.

There is nothing objectively scary in any of the possibilities you describe.