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Stuck and terrified

Alien0n3arth

After a mental breakdown and me going on meds, my therapist said I should be assessed for autism. And here I'm terrified of possibly receiving this diagnosis. I would like to join a support group,  for that I need the formal diagnosis. I'm also afraid of the group. I'm married, I have a child, a part time job, I'm seemingly too successful to be autistic.  I'm afraid of being hated by other members of the group for joining in, while I may seem, from someones perspective to not have any unusual struggles in life. I tried to find a trauma therapy,  but couldn't. My therapist said he doesn't think that the trauma therapy alone would help me. He said now the most important thing is the formal diagnosis.  I do need long term assistance from mental health professionals,  meds periodically, therapies etc. I'm lucky I didn't hurt myself over a week ago. Now im stable although I struggle with getting used to tge side effects. As someone here suggested,  I started writing a diary. Now im terrified of being possibly labeled autistic.  I'm also terrified of not receiving any help. Once I thought I would deserve a confirmation of my struggles, now my point if view evolved. Currently I'm waiting for information if the assessment would be done in our town or I have to find some other clinic outside. Or maybe give up all this... I don't know what to do. Has anyone felt this way before assessment?

Parents

  • this is an important thread which deals with disclosure. I don’t think the change from knowing with diagnosis is any more than your deep suspicion. We can’t be anyone but ourselves anyway.

    Sorry Alien I double posted then deleted both Scream @Moderator is there any way to get this and the reply back please?

  • in reply to pietro_21

    It's OK, thank you for your contribution anyway, it helps me. I remember you wrote, that higher achievements often go with sacrifice like meltdowns, mental breakdowns etc. In my case it is this way. I paid a lot with my health to achieve what I managed to.

  • in reply to Alien0n3arth
    Alien0n3arth said:
    lot

    Work is built around social functions, less to do with how well people perform individually sometimes just how they sit in a team. It can feel in retrospect like a lot of the over compensating on my part (often feeding into systems which don’t work anyway- who am I to say?). I’m a bit of a worrier although you might not know it I want everything/every part to work well, although I’m long beyond thinking everyone will get along. I do believe the world can be much better. I feel the workplace should be more inclusive - even if NTs only consider my diversity as a different working style (that is a start) I am still hopeful they can see why I am doing it that way. Because we are also usually reason driven, we don’t seek stimulation or gratification as the job is never done imo. Health is the reason I left the workplace as the job ( can’t be sure if it was the pep) was killing me. 

    as an aside I’ve been think a lot about how things develop, language technologies normalities. I felt and still feel a lot of things about the 20th century were missfires, phallic buildings and neurotypical designed workplaces built around the ego stifled creativity and human equality. The vocabulary we have now doesn’t need to be limited like this, we can alternate and diversity how we design and learn. There does not have to be one master plan, this seems to be a fundamental human flaw - to assume we were right about everything before because we have a monument. 

    I am constantly reminded again and again in my life and work and relationships of how people are making my life difficult, their thinking seems to be if I am not given work, I have no money, I'm not going to be here.  Neurodivergence is becoming more powerful, its own community. Someone said to me the other day its like this (although I'm not sure its how Id put it) we are like an army of struck down Obe-wans.Thinking

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  • in reply to Alien0n3arth
    Alien0n3arth said:
    lot

    Work is built around social functions, less to do with how well people perform individually sometimes just how they sit in a team. It can feel in retrospect like a lot of the over compensating on my part (often feeding into systems which don’t work anyway- who am I to say?). I’m a bit of a worrier although you might not know it I want everything/every part to work well, although I’m long beyond thinking everyone will get along. I do believe the world can be much better. I feel the workplace should be more inclusive - even if NTs only consider my diversity as a different working style (that is a start) I am still hopeful they can see why I am doing it that way. Because we are also usually reason driven, we don’t seek stimulation or gratification as the job is never done imo. Health is the reason I left the workplace as the job ( can’t be sure if it was the pep) was killing me. 

    as an aside I’ve been think a lot about how things develop, language technologies normalities. I felt and still feel a lot of things about the 20th century were missfires, phallic buildings and neurotypical designed workplaces built around the ego stifled creativity and human equality. The vocabulary we have now doesn’t need to be limited like this, we can alternate and diversity how we design and learn. There does not have to be one master plan, this seems to be a fundamental human flaw - to assume we were right about everything before because we have a monument. 

    I am constantly reminded again and again in my life and work and relationships of how people are making my life difficult, their thinking seems to be if I am not given work, I have no money, I'm not going to be here.  Neurodivergence is becoming more powerful, its own community. Someone said to me the other day its like this (although I'm not sure its how Id put it) we are like an army of struck down Obe-wans.Thinking

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