Suicidal.

Dear Zeb,

Thank you for posting and telling the community what you are going through. We are sorry to hear that you are still going through a difficult time. It is good that you’ve let us know what’s happening and how you feel. Many people have similar thoughts when coping with so much and we hope you’re okay.  

If you are unable to cope with the distress or despair, it’s very important to tell someone about your feelings or thoughts of suicide. Call your GP and make an urgent appointment. Your GP can make sure you get appropriate help and support . 

The National Autistic Society does not currently operate a crisis or emergency service. We advise you to contact 999 or any of the mental health crisis lines listed on our Urgent Help Page if you are at risk of immediate harm: https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/help-and-support/urgent-help  

If you are not at immediate risk of harm, we would encourage you to speak to your GP or another health professional about this if you haven’t done so already. If it’s outside your GP hours call 111 to reach the NHS 111 service. In England, Wales and Scotland there is now an option to speak with mental health professionals by selecting ‘option 2’ when calling NHS 111: https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/urgent-and-emergency-care-services/when-to-use-111/  

We would like to remind you of the support services that Chloe Mod posted to this thread previously:  RE: Suicidal. 

I hope this is helpful to you.

Kind regards,

Rosie Mod 

Look at the bright side: at least people reply to your thread.

Hi Zeb, I understand what you’re  saying about your Dad’s love and care for you - but speaking as someone whose dad did not show much love and care for me I just want to say that anyone loving us is a very precious thing. If you feel that you’ve made your dad’s life so difficult then that shows all the more how much he loves and values your presence in his life. You do ‘deserve’ his love - all children deserve the love of their parents - even though relationships sometimes break down that fundamental bond is so strong and we all deserve to feel loved and valued. This too shall pass Zeb. Don’t throw it all away because it’s so very hard to wait for change. I know it’s hard. I know what it’s like to find life unbearable- but one day you won’t feel this way anymore. Try to wait. 

 Kitty_E and Zeb , I haven’t been to an Autistic adults meet up either, but I’ve read about them and they sound really awesome. People at these events often share your social phobias, and so communication at the events often result in soothing practices like lack of eye contact, parallel play, and etc. I think if you can get past the difficult parts of contacting the group and getting there, you might actually enjoy yourself there.

Hampshire definitely has them too: https://www.autismhampshire.org.uk/how-we-can-help/serendipity-social-groups/

I asked the Bedfordshire group leader to explain to me exactly what the venue looked like, how many people would be there and if the leaders would be on the look out for new members. She replied very positively to all of those points and I think if I can get someone to drive me there, I’ll probably be ok once my sound hypersensitivity has gone back to manageable levels. They also do online meet-ups but I’m even less comfortable with Zoom or Teams!

I'm in Hampshire.  And this is exactly the thing - many autistic people have strong social anxiety and phobias that make it hard to attend these groups!  I'm the same and have a very difficult time approaching new places and groups.

I also share your fear of phone calls, my Dad (who's far too good for me) handles the majority of my calls and I'm too scared to call any helplines.  I'm glad the samaritans email service has helped you... I'm still somewhat scared of emails too.  In crisis as I have been for quite some time now, I become uncommunicative and find it very hard to interact with others, especially strangers - I just simply can't do the whole smiling happy polite small talk thing because I'm in too much pain (hence I avoid my neighbours especially).

I wish I were free from this unconditional love, so I wouldn't be tethered into this existence.

I have no purpose, I'm no longer interested in anything.  I used to have interests but they've all gone.  I can't enjoy anything, I'm in too much crisis.  If there were things I enjoyed, I'd be doing them already!

And please I beg of everyone not to mention music - that was a very painful loss of interest for me and I quit everything related to that.

I've seen enough and done enough and I'm just tired - there's nothing I want but to cease to exist.

Where are you based? I know Bedfordshire and Hertfordshire have social events for autistic adults (I just haven’t been confident enough to go myself yet - someone needs to set up a service where they’ll meet me somewhere I know and we go together because there’s just no way I’m going to walk into somewhere unknown!) I found it online: https://www.autismbedfordshire.net/support-for-adults/social-groups/ Could be your area does something similar?

Someone else on this thread mentioned the Samaritans: I can’t phone because I have a kind of phobia about talking on the phone but I am in email contact with a named person (so I don’t have to cover the same ground time after time)  We exchange emails every two days or so. It makes me feel less isolated.

Have you not heard of unconditional love? On a much smaller scale, if you have a pet cat and it scratches you, or a dog and chews your shoes, do you stop loving it? Maybe sometimes you don't need to do anything to deserve or earn it. Maybe you should just accept it.

Instead of thinking what you can't do, think about what you could do, if you really wanted to. If you wanted something, what small steps could you take to get there.

If you have some special interests how could you do more of them.

You need a purpose. What are you good at, what would you like to be good at. What is stopping you, could you find a way around that.

Yes, he tells me that he loves me but I know I don't deserve it.

Have you told him that?

Hi, well I'm still here.  I haven't been alright for a long time now... still having awful meltdowns, still terrified of people and generally hating life. [content removed by Moderator due to breaches of the online community rules and guidelines]

I wish either life weren't so difficult, or ending it weren't so difficult, but both are horrendous options so i guess for the time being, I'm stuck with the passive option.

It's the absolute worst when I get in so much pain that I lose my temper and shout at my Dad who looks after me... I think most fathers would have thrown me out or put me in an asylum long ago.  I don't deserve him, and he doesn't deserve the pain of having to deal with me.  I long to be free, and for him to be free of me.

I'm sorry you're struggling badly too.  It seems the main reason we're still here is that it's too terrifying to face the necessary action to end our lives (not to mention the probability of failure too).  I've not yet had any police attention from my Internet activity, but in the autumn last year I was taken home by police because I was standing on a footbridge over a dual carriageway, watching the cars go by.  I told them the truth that I was suicidal, but wouldn't actually jump from the bridge because it probably wouldn't work and only result in horrendous injury.  I'm a very squeamish person and can't tolerate any level of blood - as you can imagine, that's very "helpful" for a suicidal person indeed!!!

I totally understand what you’re going through. I feel the same pointlessness but actually deciding to do anything about it would involve more effort than I could manage. I would just like to stop ‘being’. I had a cancer diagnosis earlier this year and was disappointed that it was caught early enough. I wanted to die without me having to be proactive. That’s pretty sick, right? I feel the need to say here that I am not a danger to myself or others (because there is likely to be someone reading these forums who is going to report you to the police ‘for your own safety’) 

Hey Zeb, how’s it going? I’ve been thinking about this thread constantly and still hoping you’re doing alright. 

Hi Zeb, sorry I'm a bit late to this thread but just wanted to extend my support too. 

Hi Zeb, and a belated welcome to the forum. I've been reading your posts and replies and I would not have been able to offer any further advice than others have, but just to say I empathise and wish you well.

Right back at you, Zeb. Keep on keeping on pal.

That’s so kind of you Zeb - wishing you lots of luck for the future :) 

I must thank everyone for their kind and thoughtful replies, and for being supportive during this difficult time. Sharing love to all.