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Suicidal.

Zeb

Hi,

I'm a 27 year old male recently diagnosed with autism, which has made a lot of sense of the great difficulties I have faced - my sensitivity both with senses and emotions, and my tendency to be obsessive.

I've struggled with anxiety, panic attacks and depression for many years now and feel my best days are far behind me.  I'm very isolated, and it's hard to break out due to my fear of going to new places and meeting new people.

I feel that I don't belong in this world, and I have been battling deep emotional pain that I can't cope with, and I have been feeling suicidal for a long time.  I am getting to the point now where I have made plans, but it's not at all easy to face dying.  It's a catch 22 between facing the pains of life and the terror of death.

I feel very little hope and battle every day through these feelings of pointlessness and dread, and I don't know how much longer I can go on for.

I've been through the mental health services and my only hope is to pursue support from autism services, to see if with any assistance, I can feel that life is worth living again.  Maybe if I could find some kind of community and build more routine and belonging into my life, there might be hope.  It's so hard to meet new people and make friends.

Parents

  • Hey Zeb, how’s it going? I’ve been thinking about this thread constantly and still hoping you’re doing alright. 

  • in reply to profdanger

    Hi, well I'm still here.  I haven't been alright for a long time now... still having awful meltdowns, still terrified of people and generally hating life. [content removed by Moderator due to breaches of the online community rules and guidelines]

    I wish either life weren't so difficult, or ending it weren't so difficult, but both are horrendous options so i guess for the time being, I'm stuck with the passive option.

    It's the absolute worst when I get in so much pain that I lose my temper and shout at my Dad who looks after me... I think most fathers would have thrown me out or put me in an asylum long ago.  I don't deserve him, and he doesn't deserve the pain of having to deal with me.  I long to be free, and for him to be free of me.

  • in reply to Zeb

    Hi Zeb, I understand what you’re  saying about your Dad’s love and care for you - but speaking as someone whose dad did not show much love and care for me I just want to say that anyone loving us is a very precious thing. If you feel that you’ve made your dad’s life so difficult then that shows all the more how much he loves and values your presence in his life. You do ‘deserve’ his love - all children deserve the love of their parents - even though relationships sometimes break down that fundamental bond is so strong and we all deserve to feel loved and valued. This too shall pass Zeb. Don’t throw it all away because it’s so very hard to wait for change. I know it’s hard. I know what it’s like to find life unbearable- but one day you won’t feel this way anymore. Try to wait. 

Reply
  • in reply to Zeb

    Hi Zeb, I understand what you’re  saying about your Dad’s love and care for you - but speaking as someone whose dad did not show much love and care for me I just want to say that anyone loving us is a very precious thing. If you feel that you’ve made your dad’s life so difficult then that shows all the more how much he loves and values your presence in his life. You do ‘deserve’ his love - all children deserve the love of their parents - even though relationships sometimes break down that fundamental bond is so strong and we all deserve to feel loved and valued. This too shall pass Zeb. Don’t throw it all away because it’s so very hard to wait for change. I know it’s hard. I know what it’s like to find life unbearable- but one day you won’t feel this way anymore. Try to wait. 

Children
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