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Suicidal.

Zeb

Hi,

I'm a 27 year old male recently diagnosed with autism, which has made a lot of sense of the great difficulties I have faced - my sensitivity both with senses and emotions, and my tendency to be obsessive.

I've struggled with anxiety, panic attacks and depression for many years now and feel my best days are far behind me.  I'm very isolated, and it's hard to break out due to my fear of going to new places and meeting new people.

I feel that I don't belong in this world, and I have been battling deep emotional pain that I can't cope with, and I have been feeling suicidal for a long time.  I am getting to the point now where I have made plans, but it's not at all easy to face dying.  It's a catch 22 between facing the pains of life and the terror of death.

I feel very little hope and battle every day through these feelings of pointlessness and dread, and I don't know how much longer I can go on for.

I've been through the mental health services and my only hope is to pursue support from autism services, to see if with any assistance, I can feel that life is worth living again.  Maybe if I could find some kind of community and build more routine and belonging into my life, there might be hope.  It's so hard to meet new people and make friends.

Parents

  • Hey Zeb, how’s it going? I’ve been thinking about this thread constantly and still hoping you’re doing alright. 

  • in reply to profdanger

    Hi, well I'm still here.  I haven't been alright for a long time now... still having awful meltdowns, still terrified of people and generally hating life. [content removed by Moderator due to breaches of the online community rules and guidelines]

    I wish either life weren't so difficult, or ending it weren't so difficult, but both are horrendous options so i guess for the time being, I'm stuck with the passive option.

    It's the absolute worst when I get in so much pain that I lose my temper and shout at my Dad who looks after me... I think most fathers would have thrown me out or put me in an asylum long ago.  I don't deserve him, and he doesn't deserve the pain of having to deal with me.  I long to be free, and for him to be free of me.

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  • in reply to profdanger

    Hi, well I'm still here.  I haven't been alright for a long time now... still having awful meltdowns, still terrified of people and generally hating life. [content removed by Moderator due to breaches of the online community rules and guidelines]

    I wish either life weren't so difficult, or ending it weren't so difficult, but both are horrendous options so i guess for the time being, I'm stuck with the passive option.

    It's the absolute worst when I get in so much pain that I lose my temper and shout at my Dad who looks after me... I think most fathers would have thrown me out or put me in an asylum long ago.  I don't deserve him, and he doesn't deserve the pain of having to deal with me.  I long to be free, and for him to be free of me.

Children
  • in reply to Zeb

    Dear Zeb,

    Thank you for posting and telling the community what you are going through. We are sorry to hear that you are still going through a difficult time. It is good that you’ve let us know what’s happening and how you feel. Many people have similar thoughts when coping with so much and we hope you’re okay.  

    If you are unable to cope with the distress or despair, it’s very important to tell someone about your feelings or thoughts of suicide. Call your GP and make an urgent appointment. Your GP can make sure you get appropriate help and support . 

    The National Autistic Society does not currently operate a crisis or emergency service. We advise you to contact 999 or any of the mental health crisis lines listed on our Urgent Help Page if you are at risk of immediate harm: https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/help-and-support/urgent-help  

    If you are not at immediate risk of harm, we would encourage you to speak to your GP or another health professional about this if you haven’t done so already. If it’s outside your GP hours call 111 to reach the NHS 111 service. In England, Wales and Scotland there is now an option to speak with mental health professionals by selecting ‘option 2’ when calling NHS 111: https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/urgent-and-emergency-care-services/when-to-use-111/  

    We would like to remind you of the support services that Chloe Mod posted to this thread previously:  RE: Suicidal. 

    I hope this is helpful to you.

    Kind regards,

    Rosie Mod 

  • in reply to Zeb

    Hi Zeb, I understand what you’re  saying about your Dad’s love and care for you - but speaking as someone whose dad did not show much love and care for me I just want to say that anyone loving us is a very precious thing. If you feel that you’ve made your dad’s life so difficult then that shows all the more how much he loves and values your presence in his life. You do ‘deserve’ his love - all children deserve the love of their parents - even though relationships sometimes break down that fundamental bond is so strong and we all deserve to feel loved and valued. This too shall pass Zeb. Don’t throw it all away because it’s so very hard to wait for change. I know it’s hard. I know what it’s like to find life unbearable- but one day you won’t feel this way anymore. Try to wait. 

  • in reply to Stuart333

    I wish I were free from this unconditional love, so I wouldn't be tethered into this existence.

    I have no purpose, I'm no longer interested in anything.  I used to have interests but they've all gone.  I can't enjoy anything, I'm in too much crisis.  If there were things I enjoyed, I'd be doing them already!

    And please I beg of everyone not to mention music - that was a very painful loss of interest for me and I quit everything related to that.

    I've seen enough and done enough and I'm just tired - there's nothing I want but to cease to exist.

  • in reply to Zeb

    Have you not heard of unconditional love? On a much smaller scale, if you have a pet cat and it scratches you, or a dog and chews your shoes, do you stop loving it? Maybe sometimes you don't need to do anything to deserve or earn it. Maybe you should just accept it.

    Instead of thinking what you can't do, think about what you could do, if you really wanted to. If you wanted something, what small steps could you take to get there.

    If you have some special interests how could you do more of them.

    You need a purpose. What are you good at, what would you like to be good at. What is stopping you, could you find a way around that.

  • in reply to Stuart333

    Yes, he tells me that he loves me but I know I don't deserve it.