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Suicidal.

Zeb

Hi,

I'm a 27 year old male recently diagnosed with autism, which has made a lot of sense of the great difficulties I have faced - my sensitivity both with senses and emotions, and my tendency to be obsessive.

I've struggled with anxiety, panic attacks and depression for many years now and feel my best days are far behind me.  I'm very isolated, and it's hard to break out due to my fear of going to new places and meeting new people.

I feel that I don't belong in this world, and I have been battling deep emotional pain that I can't cope with, and I have been feeling suicidal for a long time.  I am getting to the point now where I have made plans, but it's not at all easy to face dying.  It's a catch 22 between facing the pains of life and the terror of death.

I feel very little hope and battle every day through these feelings of pointlessness and dread, and I don't know how much longer I can go on for.

I've been through the mental health services and my only hope is to pursue support from autism services, to see if with any assistance, I can feel that life is worth living again.  Maybe if I could find some kind of community and build more routine and belonging into my life, there might be hope.  It's so hard to meet new people and make friends.

Parents

  • Where are you based? I know Bedfordshire and Hertfordshire have social events for autistic adults (I just haven’t been confident enough to go myself yet - someone needs to set up a service where they’ll meet me somewhere I know and we go together because there’s just no way I’m going to walk into somewhere unknown!) I found it online: https://www.autismbedfordshire.net/support-for-adults/social-groups/ Could be your area does something similar?

    Someone else on this thread mentioned the Samaritans: I can’t phone because I have a kind of phobia about talking on the phone but I am in email contact with a named person (so I don’t have to cover the same ground time after time)  We exchange emails every two days or so. It makes me feel less isolated.

  • in reply to Kitty_E

    I'm in Hampshire.  And this is exactly the thing - many autistic people have strong social anxiety and phobias that make it hard to attend these groups!  I'm the same and have a very difficult time approaching new places and groups.

    I also share your fear of phone calls, my Dad (who's far too good for me) handles the majority of my calls and I'm too scared to call any helplines.  I'm glad the samaritans email service has helped you... I'm still somewhat scared of emails too.  In crisis as I have been for quite some time now, I become uncommunicative and find it very hard to interact with others, especially strangers - I just simply can't do the whole smiling happy polite small talk thing because I'm in too much pain (hence I avoid my neighbours especially).

  • in reply to Zeb

      and  , I haven’t been to an Autistic adults meet up either, but I’ve read about them and they sound really awesome. People at these events often share your social phobias, and so communication at the events often result in soothing practices like lack of eye contact, parallel play, and etc. I think if you can get past the difficult parts of contacting the group and getting there, you might actually enjoy yourself there.

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  • in reply to Zeb

      and  , I haven’t been to an Autistic adults meet up either, but I’ve read about them and they sound really awesome. People at these events often share your social phobias, and so communication at the events often result in soothing practices like lack of eye contact, parallel play, and etc. I think if you can get past the difficult parts of contacting the group and getting there, you might actually enjoy yourself there.

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