Published on 12, July, 2020
Like many (most?) autistic people I feel very disconnected from other people. I’ve often said I feel like an invisible ghost walking among the living.
But sitting in the dark in my house with the blinds closed, wondering if there is a real world outside or if I’m trapped in a bubble, has reminded me of a thought that I seriously toyed with in my darkest period, in my late teens.
Solipsism.
The idea that my mind is the only thing that exists. That other people aren’t real. A bit, I suppose, like I’m the only real player character trapped in a game full of NPCs and that’s why I can’t connect with anyone - they’re not real.
Ironically, of late, I’ve considered that it’s me who’s an NPC.
Have any of you ever felt this way?
Don't panic.....I'm not after a date!
Amerantin (former member) said:Star Trek reference - it was always the characters in red shirts that got killed off
Thank you for being my translator!
Any kind of references to 'common' culture go straight over my head.
It makes me realise how (willingly) cut off from the world I am.
Just going back into my cave.
Amerantin (former member) said:Have you seen Split,
I haven't but it has been recommended to me.
I haven't watched a film for several years but this year is the one where I'm trying to get back into doing so, so many thanks for that.
Star Trek reference - it was always the characters in red shirts that got killed off
Awe shucks ️
Pegg said:The ones wearing the red uniform!
Thanks but ugh?
It means nothing to me ... Vienna.
Not round here you're not ! You are in the named credits at the end AND you have your own trailer.
Pegg said:just there to serve a plot device.
This is why I sometimes feel like an NPC now. When I was younger I thought life was my own story but now I feel like a minor character in other peoples’ lives.
What Amerantin says - or like the characters in other media who are just there to serve a plot device.
The ones wearing the red uniform!
Have you seen Split, where James McAvoy plays someone with multiple personalities? He really earned his money in that film https://m.imdb.com/title/tt4972582/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1
Amerantin (former member) said:having multiple distinct identities
I saw a very good film once about this subject that has always haunted me.
What was then known as Multiple Personality Syndrome but is now known as Dissociative Identity Disorder.
Sybil:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sybil_(1976_film)
Based on this book:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sybil_(Schreiber_book)
That’s an interesting link.
This is what I was referring to in my previous post. I hadn’t realised it but the way I recovered from my late teenage / early 20s depression was to completely bury who I was and the traumatic memories associated with it and create a new me.
I think of this as a bit of a superpower . It allows me to be very calm in stressful situations.
Non Player Character.
The computer generated fake people that you interact with in video games.
Number said:NPC
What is that?
I find myself in a near constant state of disassociatedness from what I perceive other humans are, and what they feel - full stop.
On these pages, I have flashes and "beams" of connectedness that I didn't know could happen with such frequency within a cohort of other humans. This is nice.
The NPC's seem to view me as 'sad' and disconnected (and probably dangerous too.)
I view the NPC's as 'sad' and disconnected (and probably dangerous too.)
There is also depersonalisation/derealisation.
I think that these experiences including dissociation all come under one umbrella:
https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/dissociative-disorders/
I hadn’t heard of Alice in Wonderland syndrome before but I am very familiar with dissociation.
I regularly dissociate during stressful experiences. For example at the dentist, I basically depart my body. Similar when I have to fly somewhere. I can basically ignore pain during this too.
What I hadn’t realised or understood was dissociation in connection with past memories that were traumatic. This came out in discussion with my therapist last year.
Amerantin (former member) said:Have any of you ever felt this way
I haven't in quite the way you suggest, but I have in others.
So, the obvious one is what you 1st mention - social isolation.
However, I've also experienced 2 things that made me feel very detached from the world.
1. Alice in Wonderland Syndrome, quite often, as a child:
https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20230313-the-mystery-of-alice-in-wonderland-syndrome
2. Dissociation a few times in my life:
https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/dissociation-and-dissociative-disorders/about-dissociation/
Yes. I felt like this. I am glad to read your post. In fact I wondered had I actually written it. I’m 58 years of age but have never recovered from what felt like a breakdown at 14 when that solipsism hit me. It was so scary: I had been a happy child, presuming that everything was as real as my senses told me. Then came the ‘realisation’ as a teenager - in one horrifying moment - that it was all a dream(?) or ….? I’m not sure what the word is but it was convincingly terrifying. I was spontaneously ultimately infinitely isolated as if in spiritual suffocation. I’ve never found my way back, but I have learned about the condition through the years. Dissociation as protection is one way of looking at it. Recently ASD and it’s isolating difficulties with a theory of mind: I don’t read people and as a result their reality seems diminished to me. OCD: the more I tried to answer the suggestion in my mind the stronger the solipsism became. I have to admit I’m powerless over the solipsism; only a power greater than me can restore me to sanity. I can’t restore myself to presolipsistic state: therefore it has to be something more powerful than me and I have to define what the characteristics of that would be for me and ask it for help. Mortality helps: the increasing conviction of my being mortal allows solipsism to dissolve in that reality. Strange how death is a friend in that regard. Basically I am grateful that I am powerless over Hope, real hope, real goodness which lies outside my understanding or conception.