Published on 12, July, 2020
Like many (most?) autistic people I feel very disconnected from other people. I’ve often said I feel like an invisible ghost walking among the living.
But sitting in the dark in my house with the blinds closed, wondering if there is a real world outside or if I’m trapped in a bubble, has reminded me of a thought that I seriously toyed with in my darkest period, in my late teens.
Solipsism.
The idea that my mind is the only thing that exists. That other people aren’t real. A bit, I suppose, like I’m the only real player character trapped in a game full of NPCs and that’s why I can’t connect with anyone - they’re not real.
Ironically, of late, I’ve considered that it’s me who’s an NPC.
Have any of you ever felt this way?
Amerantin (former member) said:Have any of you ever felt this way
I haven't in quite the way you suggest, but I have in others.
So, the obvious one is what you 1st mention - social isolation.
However, I've also experienced 2 things that made me feel very detached from the world.
1. Alice in Wonderland Syndrome, quite often, as a child:
https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20230313-the-mystery-of-alice-in-wonderland-syndrome
2. Dissociation a few times in my life:
https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/dissociation-and-dissociative-disorders/about-dissociation/
I hadn’t heard of Alice in Wonderland syndrome before but I am very familiar with dissociation.
I regularly dissociate during stressful experiences. For example at the dentist, I basically depart my body. Similar when I have to fly somewhere. I can basically ignore pain during this too.
What I hadn’t realised or understood was dissociation in connection with past memories that were traumatic. This came out in discussion with my therapist last year.