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Solipsism

A

Like many (most?) autistic people I feel very disconnected from other people. I’ve often said I feel like an invisible ghost walking among the living.

But sitting in the dark in my house with the blinds closed, wondering if there is a real world outside or if I’m trapped in a bubble, has  reminded me of a thought that I seriously toyed with in my darkest period, in my late teens. 

Solipsism.

The idea that my mind is the only thing that exists. That other people aren’t real. A bit, I suppose, like I’m the only real player character trapped in a game full of NPCs and that’s why I can’t connect with anyone - they’re not real.

Ironically, of late, I’ve considered that it’s me who’s an NPC.

Have any of you ever felt this way?

  • in reply to Autonomistic

    The guy that says he’s done for the night has just logged out of a very realistic game and the  NPCs around him are desperately trying to do the same thing because they’ve just realised that their reality isn’t real… and neither are they 

  • in reply to A

    I don't get it Confused

  • i’ve tried this a few times. Hasn’t worked so far.

  • in reply to Autonomistic

    I have ALWAYS been a daydreamer.

  • in reply to Autonomistic

    We’re a complicated bunch, aren’t we 

  • in reply to Autonomistic

    I've just found an academic study on the link with autism and it concludes:

    "This research indicates that experiences of MD are common among adults with ASD and are associated with high degrees of loneliness and emotion regulation difficulties."

    https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2023-09759-001

  • in reply to Autonomistic

    When I was an adolescent, I couldn't wait to get to bed so that I could sleep.......and DREAM !  My dream worlds were as you describe above for your daydream world....but I would only ever remember them for the merest fraction of a moment when I awoke....but that was enough to make the concept of bed and sleeping a VERY attractive  one for me.

  • For many years, starting in childhood, I created my own imaginary world in my head. I could choose to go in and out of that world when I was alone, a way of dissociating and escaping from reality. In that world I could be myself without fear and had imaginary friends and partners. For me it was a better place to be than the real world.

    I was always aware it wasn't real but I suppose being in that imaginary world was both enjoyable and addictive. Strangely since I discovered that I'm autistic I've stopped doing this. Perhaps now that I can finally understand who I am and be myself there is no need. I have memories of the time I spent with those imaginary characters as if they were real people, except I know they were not. Hearing a specific music track can trigger a memory of the time I spent in that world.

    I believe this is known as maladaptive daydreaming. I believe there is a link with both autism and ADHD. Reading accounts online it is associated with movement very similar to stimming and the use of music to block out any external sounds.

    https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/consciousness-and-psychopathology/202205/why-we-should-take-maladaptive-daydreaming-seriously

    https://www.wondermind.com/article/maladaptive-daydreaming/

    https://www.theguardian.com/science/2022/aug/28/i-just-go-into-my-head-and-enjoy-it-the-people-who-cant-stop-daydreaming

  • I find myself in a near constant state of disassociatedness from what I perceive other humans are, and what they feel - full stop.

    On these pages, I have flashes and "beams" of connectedness that I didn't know could happen with such frequency within a cohort of other humans.  This is nice.

    The NPC's seem to view me as 'sad' and disconnected (and probably dangerous too.)

    I view the NPC's as 'sad' and disconnected (and probably dangerous too.)

  • Yes.  I felt like this.  I am glad to read your post.  In fact I wondered had I actually written it.  I’m 58 years of age but have never recovered from what felt like a breakdown at 14 when that solipsism hit me.  It was so scary: I had been a happy child, presuming that everything was as real as my senses told me.  Then came the ‘realisation’ as a teenager - in one horrifying moment - that it was all a dream(?) or ….?  I’m not sure what the word is but it was convincingly terrifying.  I was spontaneously ultimately infinitely isolated as if in spiritual suffocation.  I’ve never found my way back, but I have learned about the condition through the years.  Dissociation as protection is one way of looking at it.  Recently ASD and it’s isolating difficulties with a theory of mind: I don’t read people and as a result their reality seems diminished to me.   OCD: the more I tried to answer the suggestion in my mind the stronger the solipsism became.  
    I have to admit I’m powerless over the solipsism; only a power greater than me can restore me to sanity.  I can’t restore myself to presolipsistic state: therefore it has to be something more powerful than me and I have to define what the characteristics of that would be for me and ask it for help. 
    Mortality helps: the increasing conviction of my being mortal allows solipsism to dissolve in that reality.  Strange how death is a friend in that regard.  Basically I am grateful that I am powerless over Hope, real hope, real goodness which lies outside my understanding or conception.