Published on 12, July, 2020
Like many (most?) autistic people I feel very disconnected from other people. I’ve often said I feel like an invisible ghost walking among the living.
But sitting in the dark in my house with the blinds closed, wondering if there is a real world outside or if I’m trapped in a bubble, has reminded me of a thought that I seriously toyed with in my darkest period, in my late teens.
Solipsism.
The idea that my mind is the only thing that exists. That other people aren’t real. A bit, I suppose, like I’m the only real player character trapped in a game full of NPCs and that’s why I can’t connect with anyone - they’re not real.
Ironically, of late, I’ve considered that it’s me who’s an NPC.
Have any of you ever felt this way?
There is also depersonalisation/derealisation.
I think that these experiences including dissociation all come under one umbrella:
https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/dissociative-disorders/
That’s an interesting link.
This is what I was referring to in my previous post. I hadn’t realised it but the way I recovered from my late teenage / early 20s depression was to completely bury who I was and the traumatic memories associated with it and create a new me.
I think of this as a bit of a superpower . It allows me to be very calm in stressful situations.