Stuck, depressed, need to escape from this situation, uncontrollable binging

I have heard of Cichlid fish but know very little about them I'm afraid. My favourite module for my course was a Marine Biology one which involved two weeks on the Isle of Cumbrae in Scotland (perfect for me as I was living in London at the time). It was fascinating and I got to study Hermit Crabs which I loved. 

I also did a neurology module (zoology is such a broad topic that I got to 'dip in to' a wide range of things) which involved slicing into a human brain with a bread knife - I know! This was over 30 years ago I doubt it would be allowed now!

Nowadays I am interested in equal measure in medicine, environmental science and conservation and of course animals in general. I've never really been a numbers person, preferring to 'connect' with and understand the natural world.

It might be helpful to look up ways to change all or nothing thinking, or change perfectionism, if you're ready for those kinds of things. I mean, there's likely many articles discussing the issue, or any issues for that matter. The amount of accumulated knowledge we have in this day and age is astounding. 

Thanks! I'll look into the Growth mindset- it sounds like a much more positive and healthy mindset- I do struggle a lot with black and white / all or nothing thinking and in the long term that causes issues.. 

Thanks!! Yes I think there is probably a beauty in having a job which is not too mentally exhausting so that there is space for thinking and science as a hobby. Like you say there is not limit to curiosity :). It's so true that just because we can do something, doesn't mean we 'should' do it- I actually had an even crazier plan a few years ago- After my bachelor I wanted to get a job to get some savings so that I could train to become a hiking guide in France (I had actually done quite a lot of research about this...)- I love walking so much and was quite good at it and I wanted to explore this as a career at least for a while- unfortunately I was then injured and had to forget about my escape into the mountains :(. 

I've made up my mind to move back to Cambridge if I can. I am still stressed but I feel much calmer now that I have a purpose and I can try to focus my energy on working towards my escape plan :). I just sent off another application, again it was very rushed but it is very confidence boosting to feel like I am doing something that might actually get me where I want to be!!

I'm curious, do you have any favourite scientific interests? What aspects of Zoology do you like? I have a friend working on pattern formation in cichlid fish- have you heard of them? They are fascinating ;). I'm more of a developmental neurobiologist but I am interested in lots of things :) 

I think you should give yourself huge credit for all the things you have done over the past few years and also the fact you have had the drive to move abroad to a completely 'alien' environment and new job all at once.

I think we push ourselves to achieve often at the expense of our overall wellbeing. We focus on what we think we 'should' be doing rather than on what would make us happiest.

It sounds like you would be most happy in Cambridge and it doesn't matter what job you end up doing if you are in a place you love with people that make you feel good about yourself. Surely that is the most important thing in life?

I graduated with a Zoology degree and part of me felt I should have 'done something with it' but there is no limit to where a curious mind can go - it doesn't have to be work related. I'm very interested in the world and love finding things out (not always remembering them!) and using my sciency brain in my spare time. 

Hope you get where you want to be

I always envisioned moving to Canada. However, it never materialised. My modus operandi is to hide and not look after myself. I had brains to burn, but I couldn't cope with a work environment. 

Good luck trying to return to Cambridge. It's all about finding one's niche. 

That's amazing news Ann. At least you sent a cover letter indicating your interest in the job in Cambridge. I hope you get it, and if not, there's likely many more other job openings in Cambridge that would be better suited for you. I really think you should be in Cambridge, because you seem much more joyful and motivated to go back to Cambridge than any other option. I mean once you overcome the hurdle of finding a job and a place to live in Cambridge, then everything else will just fall into place.

I think it'll be good to do something less draining, because it would give you time to focus on yourself and your own needs, and to take better care of yourself. It would be good for you to heal and recover, and to do things that would work best for you, even if it does not work for others. 

Perhaps you can look up Fixed Mindset and Growth Mindset. I grew up in a household that had a very fixed and ridged way of thinking, very black and white, binary, right or wrong, success or failure, and if you failed, you were punished, so there was a lot of fear, judgement, and criticism. I had a harmful mindset towards myself, and I struggled to eat, and treat myself well. I would work non-stop to the point of burn out, starvation, and my body would just be in shambles. So I can relate to a lot of your personal struggles.

But you know the great thing about human beings, is that they're adaptable and can learn new things, acquire new habits, and so on. I eventually learned a different type of mindset. I mean I think you have an idea of how it's like, when you say that you want a place where you can learn, have a good mentor, and be mentally stimulated. The growth mindset basically just learning new things and growing, even when you make a mistake, it's not a detriment to your self-worth, but it's just something to get curious about and to learn from. I mean the fixed/perfectionistic mindset would just limit you (and everyone else) because it makes you feel flawed because you don't meet the standards or the expectations (which could be unrealistic). But the growth mindset is about just starting as you are now, and then adding one or two new things to your collective database of knowledge and skills, and those small things accumulate over time, and you end up knowing and able to do a ton of interesting things. 

That’s excellent news Ann - I’m so pleased you got the application in in time! It’s an important first step towards getting back in control of the situation and back to enjoying your life again.  Taking positive action when you’re feeling so fragile is a real achievement as it’s often the case that we freeze and do nothing when there are no obvious solutions. It’s great that you’ve made the application :) 

Putting a ‘dent’ in your perfectionism is probably a good thing too! You don’t need to be perfect - no one does. 

It really doesn’t seem right that you have worked for 6 months unpaid - is that normal in your area of work? That’s quite outrageous. 

Cambridge is such a wonderful place - I hope you manage to get back there and have a fresh start - I’m sure it would do you good. It has such a wonderful atmosphere. 
In the mean time take care and look after yourself - you’ve been under so much stress and so you are in need of whatever comfort you can find. It’s no wonder it’s affecting your eating - food is so associated with comfort. I’m sure that will settle down in time. Don’t feel bad about it - it’s really not surprising in the circumstances. 

Best wishes :) x

Thank you so much for your kind message- it makes me feel better. I did talk to my dietitian about the binging issue and she thinks it's a manifestation of the extreme stress and unhappiness I am experiencing- she basically suggested I look for a way to get out of my current situation, maybe just get a less stressful job for a while so that I can prioritise my mental health and recharge for a bit. I hope that as I destress a bit the binging issue will improve- I was in a similar state with binging whilst trying to finish my MPhil whilst being semi-incapacitated with brain-fog/ fatigue associated with Long Covid- I swore at the time I would never let myself get that stressed again... After I made it to the end of the MPhil, the binging stopped (it took a bit of effort for the first days but the urge was gone). 

It was so hard to make the decision to leave my current lab (and I still doubt it sometimes), but I hope that once I have a bit of a plan in place the stress levels will go down and I will start functioning a bit better again- because the state I am in right now is just not good or sustainable... and it is certainly not worth being in this state for a job/degree. 

Unfortunately I have no savings: my current work contract came through 3 months later than promised (with no back pay) so that I worked 6 months unpaid and I am now in debt with no savings. I am trying to be particularly careful with spending the next weeks/months. I will figure something out- I think I just got so desperate to have a plan that essentially I just panicked and ended up making myself incapable of doing anything... Thanks so much :) It's so nice to have a friend. 

Hi, I just wanted to thank you both- thanks to your very supportive messages I was able to calm down and I just did something a bit crazy that might have boosted my confidence and for sure gave my not so healthy perfectionism a dent. I saw a job in Cambridge that I liked but the deadline was just now but I managed to write a cover letter from scratch and update my cv in just over an hour and I just sent it off... I feel slightly boosted in my confidence, though I probably should not reread it tomorrow... I hope I didn't make too many typos :). 

Can I just add to my last reply: the sense of panic (which is completely understandable) really comes across in what you’ve written. I want to make the point that you are young and you have lots of time - there is no need to rush this decision or any decision, you can take your time to find the right path for you. You actually have many years to build the life you want to have. I think most people find the first 2 or 3 years after Uni really challenging. University life is very familiar and predictable and quite well supported - and adjusting to the workplace can be so stressful. But you have time to figure these things out - even though I know it doesn’t feel like that at the moment. 
I know you’ll find your way eventually - in time. Meanwhile I would follow your instincts and try and go to the place you feel will make you most happy. x 

Oh Ann - I’m so sorry you are feeling like this - but it’s completely understandable. The first couple of years after leaving Uni are often very unsettling. It can be especially difficult difficult for autistic people for whom the workplace can have many extra challenges (eg the social side of things). 
It seems pretty clear that you’re not happy where you are. The good news is that you have very many strengths that are going to help you. You are highly intelligent and very skilled in your subject area. You also obviously have the ability to cope with moving from country to country to live and study or work - so that implies considerable coping and organisational skills.  You have so much going in your favour! 
You love Cambridge - that’s clear. You are fragile and going back to Cambridge would be a comfort to you I’m sure. I feel that you need to prioritise your mental health and well being. Your career can’t progress if you’re completely burnt out - so prioritising your mental health IS prioritising your career (in the long run). 
The good thing about the U.K. at the moment is that everywhere you go there are places trying to employ people - they are real shortages of staff in the U.K. at the moment - so you’ll definitely be able to find some sort of work here - even if it’s unskilled. It might even be nice for you to do a job like that for a while. Maybe anyway - it’s certainly true that lots of supposedly ‘unskilled’ jobs are actually hugely tiring and stressful. 
But either way - I’m sure you’d be able to find work in Cambridge. 
I’m so sorry about your issues with food and binging - that must be so upsetting - I’m sorry. I’m afraid I know very little about that - I really wish I could help. Hopefully your dietician that you’ve told me about can help you? I hope so. X 

Do you have any savings to help you with whatever move you decide on eventually? Obviously the practicalities of this must feel quite challenging. But you’ve done it before Ann - so I’m sure you’ll be able to do this again - it won’t be easy but it will be worth it to be somewhere where you feel you can be happier and feel more at home. 

Thank you, what you say is very true. I think what I really need right now is to be in a place where I can heal, recover and then work out a long term plan. I think if I can make it work financially, it would help me to move back to a place I love and where I have friends- I am not sure I could cope with moving to yet another new place for just a year. Part of me is also craving to do  a job which doesn't require a lot of thinking, for a while- that way I can mentally rest and then when I feel like it I can engage in science in my free time- in Cambridge there are so many scientific talks that are happening each day too so I doubt that I would feel under-stimulated. And I can still find a job in a lab later. Maybe I just need to slow down... I am putting myself under so much pressure to apply for science related jobs straight away. I need to recover now and then just bridge the gap between now and autumn 2023 when hopefully I will be able to start a PhD- for which I am also happy to move to a new place :) . Thank you so much for listening- I still have ten thousand things and doubts and options flying through my head but I feel like I have some more clarity. 

I know the you might be feeling overwhelmed and rushed right now. You want a stable place to stay, you want good people around you, you want a job that mentally stimulates you, and you want better habits for yourself. Keep these things in mind, because those are your desires, and let them be your guide. 

I think that you see all the options laid out before you. There are pros and cons with each of them, but which ever one feels right to you, is probably the best choice for you. I mean you might have fomo (fear of missing out) on a job opportunity, but to be honest, there's nothing quite like Cambridge for you. Everything is not as good as Cambridge, and you just miss it so much. But what is stopping you is the lack of preparation and planning, like how to earn money and have a stable source of income while liking the work that you do, but that would be the same thing as what you're doing right now (applying for lab jobs), except the difference is that you'll have friends and feel at home. Even if you find an average job, at least it'll fund the place that you love to reside in.